Venting/Rant instead of hitting

[ChaseThisLight]

So I woke up today knowing I had a bit of pressure on my self to achieve certain goals which I have right now. I have a week and a half ish to achieve these things, but they really did not start well this morning, I'm now a very long way from achieving what I need to. To make matters worse, my dad told me that I need to set up a system to work with him and regulate what I am doing, so that I do it in the right way. After how things have panned out already today, if this happens I am seriously screwed on about 9 different levels.

I can't stop shaking, there was no pressure to let anyone in on my activities of this nature before I moved back home. With what I do there are good days and bad days. But now the idea of him knowing my every move, my every up and down on this venture is fucking me up. He does not know the way that this stuff works. Right now I can not afford to let him in.

I need to hurt myself to level my self it calms me. im trying desperately not to. My head feel like a swarm of bees are buzzing around my brain getting angrier and angrier. why do i get like this? why am i here? is it too fucking much?

i failed while writing this. another day with harm in my life.

rant over.

[Iris]

It's a way to deal with bad things; it's not your fault or anything. Hurting yourself makes you feel better, it's completely understandable. Your mind is trying desperately to cope. It's not good of course, and if there's any way to stop (I know that's so much harder than it sounds) you'd be much better off and the fact that you're at least trying to fight the urges is really great :). Everyone has relapses-I don't think it's possible to just completely stop and never ever do it in the future but you have to pick yourself up and try again.