Life.

[foxflyer]

My life so far has been not so great.

The difference in my life probably began when I was 8 and my parents divorced and my mother and my two sisters moved across the state leaving what little friends I had and a large portion of my family behind. After about a year, we moved again, but this time within the city that we were in, but because of the move we all had to change schools, which forced me to break ties again. Finally about 5 years ago, we moved to where we are now. I have had very few friends in nearly all places that I have been, for a large portion of my life after the divorce, my mother as a single parent was struggling to keep us kids afloat.
When my mother met my now step-dad, I pushed him out of my mind entirely as a person that would only do harm to this already fractured family. So from about 8-12 I didn't really have much of a father figure in my life except for our bi-weekly visits with my father. To this day, I can't really feel myself building a stable relationship with my step-dad, for reasons I really can't understand at the moment.

After we finally settled where we are today, I began to try and build friendships with others that had similar interests as me, but as a new kid on the block, that was a little harder than I could imagine at that point in time. I had a few friends here and there who I have had at least a little contact with, to this day, whether it be on Facebook, Twitter or other means, and more that I couldn't maintain most likely due to my anti-social/shy nature and other factors. Throughout high school, I had more developments of friendship than I had probably ever in my life, except with family.

My anti-sociablity (word?) was probably in part of myself questioning my sexuality, which, at least to some of my online friends, and now to all that read this, is most definitely gay. I never felt strong enough to come out with it with anyone that I met in person and even to my family, for fear of negative reprocussions whatever they may be. Even to this day no one knows my true feelings to those of my same gender. This was especially hard in high school, with my developing friendships, I felt this barrier that was between me and this one person who I felt was awesome and nothing like I have ever felt before in my life, but was afraid to act on it again for fear of it getting out and me getting ridiculed by my whole society that I had contact with. So I glided through high school with sadly no really memorable moments except my first days and my last day, and to this day I regret that the most, as I will never get to experience the days of high school again.

Another factor in my social problems would have to be my addiction to video games and tv. Oh the hours that I have spent and the money that I have wasted on petty things such as those, if I could meet myself years ago, I would have beat myself up for even using these as a crutch in life. But, the silver lining that I would have to put with this would be that I have met others online that I would not normally have met, and learned that there are others out there like me and that I am not totally alone in this world. And those friends that I have met have pointed me to this great community and the fight that gays are still fighting against all the ignorance of the world on our shoulders. Getting back to the point, because of the time wasted and my attention-span going out over Xbox Live, I never took the time to develop a work background for my future, and have been running on gift money alone. Looking back I feel ashamed of myself in not taking the iniative that I should have done, and all the weight that I have put on my family because of this. Another setback due to my addiction would definitely be my lack of exercise. Other than my walk to and from school, around school and before my senior year, 50 minutes of mediocre attempts at phys. ed. I have done almost nothing to counter my intake.

After high school, I applied to a local college and was accepted. Later that fall I began my college career, still living where I am today, with my mother and step-father, mostly due to financial reasons. Due to my laziness and my lack of forwardness with my parents here, I dropped out in my second semester, with almost nothing to show for it.

I don't know why I am telling this to you, but I feel like this needs to get out. In nearly all parts of me typing this out, I have been near to crying my eyes out over the keyboard. I feel like my life has no purpose and no direction, except as an exception on my family's taxes, another mouth to feed, and a body in my bed. I am 19 years old, about 6 feet (183cm) and 260 lbs. (118kg) with no job, no savings, no experience in the workplace except for one job moving stuff. The only thing that is really worth living for is my family and the few friends that I have both online and in the physical world. Other than that, I don't see my life as having much meaning. I am a worthless, fat leech on my parents and I have no drive in life to even advance myself from that level. As for the coming days, I have no idea what I am going to do. I feel like the point of no return is closing in quickly and I have no idea how to face it.

To those of you that care enough to have even read this far, I want to personally thank you for taking what little time you no doubt have in your lives to even want to read about something so depressing and meager as my life has been. I want there to be a light at the end of this tunnel that I am facing, but I just don't know if I even have the strength for that.

Thank You.

And the one from my high school days if you are somehow reading this...my initials are KO and I hope you remember homecoming day in choir, when I lifted you to pose for a picture. I hope we can talk more.

[CaliKid24]

Well, what you need are goals in your life.

[Scarface]

Well hun first of all I think this is definitely needed :hug3:

Secondly I am very glad that you have reached out to Virtual Teen for help as much as it has made you cry to type this and hard as it might have been for you to type all of this. I definitely am proud of you for doing so because even though it is online, it is still out there and you have it off of your chest which I'm sure to the smallest degree you feel better.

Divorced parents as I can really level with you on, is really a horrible way to go through life because there is a barrier on the "step" figure and the biological son / daughter. I will and never will have a bond with any of my parents. My mother used to be there for me as a child, but as I got older became addicted to prescription pain pills and is a hypochondriac and my father and my step father are both raging abusive alcoholics, in which I can honestly and not pitifully say that I have no parents as I had no guidance as a child. So I learned the hard way in many, many things from the streets. I have been working jobs from the age of 15 which forced me out of the high school world. I was a bit larger myself, no confidence, made fun of a lot, not many friends, but I had enough friends if that makes sense, but I could never relate or talk with many if not any of them because of sexuality issues, which only came to the conclusion of with my ex boyfriend that I had from 14 until almost 17. I am in no way trying to compete with you, I am trying to let you in on a tid bit of my life so that you may feel a little more comfortable.

Moving geographically is something I am also very familiar with. I was born in San Diego California, which I had an abundance of friends, then moved out to bum fuck egypt Ohio with absolutely nothing.. The loneliness and the pity and depression on myself only grew. I have missed out on High School. I had to drop out Mid 10th grade to work because my father lost his job.... As he collected unemployment I had to pay the bills. I had to basically step up and be the man because I saw not a dime of help from him. Today that is one of my largest regrets as I can almost concur with you. But let me tell you this, even though the TV and Video Games may have been a slight problem, when you were in school, as in most teens our age and a lot younger do not wish to be in school, but yet they wish they were our age and could work and do things that adults do. Yet when they actually get there and the responsibility slaps them in the face like reality actually does like a semi truck, it makes us want to back track and re-do some of our fuck ups or correct our mistakes and maybe re-live and do over everything as if we could... Which unfortunately we cannot. I have so many regrets as a youngin' that I wish that I could relive everything to a certain point as a warning of what not to do, because the friends that I lost, the people that abandon me, the pain I had to undergo, and everything that I have learned up to this point, turned out to be very valuable.

Let me tell you a little bit about college; It's Not For Everyone. That I want to make perfectly clear, so whether you dropped out or completed it, don't beat yourself up over it because not everyone is meant to be scholar and a A+ student. As I know I never will be.

Let me put it to you this way and I speak for myself in this as well because you're definitely not on this boat alone in the slightest as I too need to work on it, but there is so much more to life and we both have any opportunities that we want in this life, we have to take them now. We're in the prime of our life. We have the age to take the world by the balls or sit back and let us pass it by.Which I don't know about you, but I know you don't like living at your family's house. Sometimes even if it's just the smallest step towards the right thing, then it's been a good day. We cannot dwell on what's happened because also let me tell you something. There's only a point of no return is you make it there with you mind. Otherwise there is nothing holding you back except for yourself. You're only 19, think about that. We have at least 65+ years to do anything that we set our mind to. Yeah of course we jam ourselves up with the fears of reality and bills and other nonsense that are essentially a necessity is what a transition into adult hood. It's pretty typical to have /some/ of the feelings you have. But in reality, you /can/ fix your current situation.

Jobs aren't really that easy to find, but the are out there. You just have to throw yourself out into the world and just take a ride, Because the TV and Video Games are still there and you could be thinking back years from now saying the same thing and you don't want that do you? So don't do it. Try filling out applications everywhere, build yourself up almost something like a resume, but just an explanation of why you would like the job and what qualifications or things of know-how that could assist you in the job. So just sell yourself for a job. Dude, at our age we can get jobs, we have youth on our side, it doesn't matter what we look like fat, average, tiny, whatever it maybe, we have Youth. Which doesn't last forever, so take advantage of it all right now :) Trust me man, you'll get your life together, just write yourself out a plan even start off with daily goals like #1. Walk to ____ and back 2#. Put job applications at ____ #3. Talk to parents about ___. Remember your parents are there to help you, if you don't feel comfortable talking to your step dad then go to your mom or biological dad. They love you unconditionally and they support you, try not to shun them. Friends come with time and the slightest bit of confidence, just don't worry about it so much and just try to remain in the moment. The things that happened, are done and over with. You cannot change them, it's over, now redeem yourself with a better future. I know you won't regret it. You have the possibilities just like everyone else does, sometimes you just need a helping hand. We're here to support you as well. Good luck with things and if you need someone to talk to my PM box is open to you.

~Ron