Getting frustrated.

[Magenta]

First off, in the past day, somehow I lost four pounds. Not really complaining, that's what I wanted, wasn't it? Something at the back of my mind, though, is nagging me. Telling me that I'm crazy... It's saying "You're five foot six and 125lbs, how could you possibly be fat?" and then I look in the mirror and... yep, still fat when I know I'm not really. It's horribly confusing and incredibly annoying.

When was there a time when I wasn't counting calories or obsessing over whether or not certain types of foods would make me gain weight? My mum goes grocery shopping then wonders why I don't eat any of my favourites. I want to eat them... but then I'll gain back the weight like I did before. That, to me, is scary.

I still have another ten pounds to lose to be back at where I want to be.

Also, I hate posting here. I really do. I keep telling myself "Jo, deal with your own fucking problems and help others with theirs". I mean, I don't want anyone else to have to deal with this. Lately, I've also seen a ton of rants about people saying how they get so mad when a skinny person says they're fat. It makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid. Just because they're irrational doesn't mean they don't exist. Just because they don't make much sense doesn't mean I can just get over it and see myself as pretty or skinny. If it helps, I'll rephrase it: I'm thin but I'm not thin enough. It's not like I get up in the morning and think to myself: how much weight can I lose today to make someone else feel bad about themselves? It's not like that.

I feel like a fake. I feel like this isn't real, not a disorder and I'm just whining. I'm just as insecure and angry at myself as always and, in spite of wanting to get better, I still find ways to torture myself a bit. I guess, on one hand, I want to be normal and not piss people off because of how I feel all the time yet, on the other hand, I sort of want to say screw it, I'm not normal and just resume not eating. I was going to bring this up with my psychiatrist but I figured there's no point. It's not like anyone can force me to eat or there's some medication to fix my thinking. If I tell, I'll gain weight. It's not like I want to be anorexic, I just want to get back to where I was- where I was comfortable at- and this is the only way that seems to work.

/rant.

Er, yeah. Well, that was sort of pointless.

[screamtobeheard]

I understand exactly how you feel with feeling like you're just burdening other people or being fake or something. It sucks. But I think it's real. It's not your fault you feel like this, and you can't really help if it offends other people. So you shouldn't feel bad about that. But, you should try to make yourself happy. Try to learn to love yourself how you are. You wouldn't judge other people on their weight, would you? So don't judge yourself by it. You're worth more than that, and what really counts is that your a great person. And for what it's worth, I think you're gorgeous. I don't know if this is much help, but feel free to PM me if you need to vent anymore.

[Magenta]

No, that did help. I suppose I was just ranting.

Obviously, like any of my problems, they aren't going to just go away. I wish they would. I'm trying to eat and accept that if my weight goes up, that's okay because that's what my body wants and I shouldn't try to force it to do otherwise. However, it's hard. After I eat, I feel sick.

I'm trying though.