Really need the support for this month...

[Magenta]

So a few of you know but for the rest: I've decided to aim for a month without self-harm.

I've managed two weeks before at my best and I figured doubling that was fairly realistic. I needed a smaller goal because just aiming to get as many days closer to stopping as possible just made my head spin...

However, it's day two and I'm already struggling.

I'm in a fairly normal and turbulent phase. I'm not particularly high or low which means I'm pretty open to whatever emotion feels like throwing itself at me. They're not that intense but they're driving me insane.

I could feel hopeful but then feel this disgust for myself rising up and now I'm craving it. I really need to get through this month. I need to be able to show myself I'm not a useless, broken girl. I need to get better.

I've finally summed up enough strength to tell my psychiatrist almost everything about me but that seems easy in comparison to this. This is like letting go of a huge part of me... even if it's a huge part I hate very much. I'm so worried I'm going to go back to self-harm. One part of me loves it and couldn't care less and wants to just bleed but...

I don't want more scars. I want nice, beautiful skin. I want the skin I was aiming for when working to get rid of my chronic acne. I want to feel pretty again and wear tshirts and tank tops and shorts. Sure, the scars I have won't go away but they will fade. I want them to be memories not itching urges. I really, really want to be able to look at myself and like what I see. I already have thousands of scars in such a short time (since last August) and such a bad addiction... I don't want more. I don't want this to be worse.

I'm sick of feeling older than I am. I'm tired of feeling sick and exhausted. Honestly, I am sick. I can say that and not be ashamed of it. However, I want to be able to say I'm healthy again. I want to be a better person. I don't want to feel like this is aging me somehow...

I want to feel free.
(And I don't feel lame and cliche saying that. I do want to be free of this monster I created for myself. So badly.)

/rant over.

I think I'm okay now. *exhales* Didn't realize how much I really needed to get all of that out.

[Alexithymia]

Jo, I'll -always- be here for you. I try and respond to all of your emails, as you probably already know, and I try and keep up to date with the forums. Sometimes, I love getting my insane high/low feelings, but other times I wish they would just stop. But when you get random emotions, it's always worse, at least in my opinion.

It's -great- that you're trying to stop cutting, and trust me, I'm trying to too. We can help each other out! ^_^ A month is great, and even if you fail, you can always pick yourself back up and try again. Because the great quote that has always stuck with me too is (you should feel so proud of yourself!) "You don't fail unless you give up". (Something along the lines of that. I can never quote; I always forget the specific words. Normally the basic gist of it too, but yours has stayed with me!)

I'm proud of you that you managed to tell your psychiatrist all of that. It's much, much braver than I am. Hopefully she/he can help, and hopefully they'll be one that connects well with you. I completely understand that it's hard to give away such a huge part about you; it's one of your secrets and thus makes it hard regardless of how much you want to let go of it. I'll be here if you need to rant about something, remember.

And finally, I want to feel younger too. I don't want to be immature, but I don't want to be stressed and depressed. I understand where you're coming from that, probably more than I want to. I really hope that you'll contact me when you need it. (Have I mentioned that yet? :P)

[Amaryllis]

You probably won't like to know this but I only stopped cutting when I fell into the deep, dark, dank and stupid depths of anorexia. This sounds crazy but food and starvation is my knife now.

I know how it hurts and you just want to let it out, when you just want to see what you feel inside and when you see the blood, you just feel better. At least, that's what it's like for me. I admit, I still bite, scratch, dig my nails into my flesh, cut, I still do all that. Sometimes. When it gets too much and I feel too alone. But you're not alone. If you ever need to rant, feel free to PM me or comment on my page. Anything :)

And Aethi's right. You don't fail till you give up. I'm trying really hard to stop using food as a reply to ana. The whole "Screw you. I'm eating this cake thing. Go away" but trust me, it'll get better. Sometimes it feels like it never will. Like maybe you'll just happier dead but you can do it. Hold on. We're here if you need us.

Faith And Trust

[PartyPoison]

A month is a good start. It will be hard but it will pay off in the long run. Stay strong. You can do it <3