Magenta
July 3rd, 2011, 03:28 PM
God, why do I always do this? There are times when I don't want to go a month without self-harm like a told myself I would. There are times when I think I should be dead. Then I'm selfish... and I don't want to die or cut. I want a reason to be proud of myself.
How can I do that when I hurt my mother everyday?
My mum was upstairs watching the movie The Lovely Bones. I never really watched it but I know what the story was about. I shrugged it off because it's just a movie.
Then my mum came downstairs.
At first, I thought she was just showing affection. She came over and hugged me. I hugged her back but she looked up at me and suddenly started sobbing. When my mum cries... I can't say anything. I freeze up. What do I do? I'm the one who breaks down and cries even if it's not often. I'm the one who needs the hugs. To me, even if I know she's human and I'm insensitive and selfish, she's my mother. She's invincible and hard and often kind of mean.
She told me how much the movie scared her and how much she loved me. I love my mother, I do, but I just seem to close off. She said something and I tried to make a joke. I joke when I'm uncomfortable... and I blew her off.
She got up with a sad look and said "Okay, I'll leave you alone now".
I always do this. I never want to spend time with her, I never want to go out or be in the same room. I love my mother from afar. We don't get on well enough to be close.
Just the other day, I had a go at her because I misunderstood her tone of voice. Why can I never do anything right for her? I never clean well enough, I never say the right things, I'm never a good enough daughter.
Giving up is the smart idea but I can't do it. I want to get better. I'm finally taking steps toward having a normal life but then there's all these little screw ups that prove how selfish I am.
/rant.
How can I do that when I hurt my mother everyday?
My mum was upstairs watching the movie The Lovely Bones. I never really watched it but I know what the story was about. I shrugged it off because it's just a movie.
Then my mum came downstairs.
At first, I thought she was just showing affection. She came over and hugged me. I hugged her back but she looked up at me and suddenly started sobbing. When my mum cries... I can't say anything. I freeze up. What do I do? I'm the one who breaks down and cries even if it's not often. I'm the one who needs the hugs. To me, even if I know she's human and I'm insensitive and selfish, she's my mother. She's invincible and hard and often kind of mean.
She told me how much the movie scared her and how much she loved me. I love my mother, I do, but I just seem to close off. She said something and I tried to make a joke. I joke when I'm uncomfortable... and I blew her off.
She got up with a sad look and said "Okay, I'll leave you alone now".
I always do this. I never want to spend time with her, I never want to go out or be in the same room. I love my mother from afar. We don't get on well enough to be close.
Just the other day, I had a go at her because I misunderstood her tone of voice. Why can I never do anything right for her? I never clean well enough, I never say the right things, I'm never a good enough daughter.
Giving up is the smart idea but I can't do it. I want to get better. I'm finally taking steps toward having a normal life but then there's all these little screw ups that prove how selfish I am.
/rant.