I can't take this.

[screamtobeheard]

My mom saw a text from my best friend. Asking me not to purge. So she found out. Freaked out. Told me I was ruining our perfect family and the whole nine yards. Stupid me should have taken this opportunity to get my ass in therapy so I can learn not to hate myself. But no. Stupid me is too smart for my own good and lied my way out of it. So here I am. Pretending I'm okay with eating three times a day. Plus snacks. With varying amounts of exercise.
Oh my gosh, though. I'm about to fucking kill myself. I'm so fat. I can practically feel myself getting fatter. It's probably all in my head. But I don't care, I hate it. I just want to go throw up everything in my stomach right now. Pop a few diet pills and fast for a week. Eat a piece of fruit then fast some more. I want to live off of diet soda and gum. I want to starve myself and work myself until I'm so skinny I disappear. But I can't. I have to be normal. Well, I hate normal. I want to be thin. That's all.

[northskater110]

I would go see some therapy, or at least talk to someone about your problems (an adult, not a friend). Eating disorders can really mess one up, so I would suggest doing that asap. Also, no matter what you think of your self, everyone here will always think that you are amazing just the way you are, and there is no need to do that. I usually lurk here, so if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.

[Lethe]

You're lighter than me, from what your pictures show. It confuses me how skinny (thin) people always think they're fatter than someone like me, who has so much fat on my stomach and gut and legs that I look like cottage cheese.

Eating three meals a day won't make you fat. You get fat from eating over 2,000 calories a day, never exercising even a little bit, and eating all the wrong foods. Whole grains, light dairy, fruits and vegetables, and healthy fats (real fats, not processed) will keep you healthy, and when you're healthy you lose that unhealthy weight.

But it doesn't even look like you have any weight on you. I don't understand how you can ever feel fat. I don't want to seem rude or abrasive, but...I'd kill to be your weight. And it's kind of frustrating when I read these types of posts and see girls who aren't even fat thinking they need to be even skinnier than they are. I'd kill to be your weight. That should say something...

[screamtobeheard]

I know I need to go to therapy. Everyone keeps telling me. I just feel like there's not really anything wrong with me, that I'm just pretending or something. I don't even know.

And Dee, I know I'm not technically fat. I consciously know that. It's just the fact that I see myself and my body is so distorted by my mind that I hate myself. I mean, everyone tells me I'm skinny. Today, I was told I was one of the skinniest people my friend knows. But I just don't see it in myself. And in my eyes, I will never be good enough until I am thin as air. Other people aren't the same, though. Other people matter. They should be healthy and happy and judged upon personality. I don't know, it's weird. I'm sorry if I frustrate or offend you, I really don't try to.

[Amaryllis]

I told this to Dee and I'll tell it to you. I was 50lbs. 50 friggin pounds and miserable. M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. I went months without sleep. At 2am in the morning, I was doing starjumps. Everyday I was walking up and down the corridor, burning calories. My body ached all over, I was in so much pain but I still exercised and I stood 24 hours a day, I refused to sit because I wanted to be skinnier, skinnier, skinnier. But how skinny do you need to be? How skinny do you need to be until you're happy? And will being skinny instantly fix all your problems? Will being skinny make people love you? If so, why did I have friends when I was heavier, why was I alone when I was skin and bones?

I know it's hard. I know you hate yourself. But why this? Why anorexia? I wanted to die before ana but now? Now I feel like death is a blessing, I'm in a living hell. You'll end up even heavier than you are now, trust me. If starving is a way of punishing yourself, it will never work. You'll end up hating yourself even more. Your hands can write, draw, hold, love, touch, feel. Your legs run, jump, walk, carry you to places. Your eyes see, show, care. So what if you're fat? What happened to the chubby baby you were when you were brought into this world? She's still there. Don't keep her locked up. I'm struggling with loving myself too but hey, why do your friends love you? Why did your friend tell you not to purge? Your friends love you, not because you're skinny but because you are you. You're obsessed with food and your weight. Is this how you want to live? Imagine yourself 20 years from now. What will you be teaching your children? Be skinny. Be thin. Don't eat. Imagine yourself 40 years from now. Do you still wanna be where you are? Do you think fat people don't deserve to live?

And this is to Dee: Comparing yourself to someone else will never lead to a happy ending. I became anorexic because I kept thinking my friends were skinnier than me but even when I became 10x skinnier than them, I still didn't get it. And even when I did, I couldn't stop. I wanted to. I knew I looked horrible but I couldn't stop.

Anorexia does not give you control, it takes it from you.

[Triceratops]

Being drastically skinnier will make you uglier, not prettier, despite what society tells you. Photoshop exists for a reason.

It's not right to want to live off diet soda and sugar free gum so stop denying yourself proper help.

[screamtobeheard]

I don't know. I don't know why I'm doing this. But my mom's not letting me act upon my impulses anymore. She thinks she's making it better by not letting me starve even though she didn't know I starved before and not letting me purge. Even though I can still sometimes purge without her knowing. But she's making me hate myself more and more. And I can't stand her either. And honestly, she's making my self harm come back and I just hate this so fucking much. I want to die. That's what I need. Not help. Death.

[Amaryllis]

I know where you are but don't do this to yourself. My mom did that to me too, she would scream, hit, cry, threaten to kill us both but I knew she did that because she loved me, because she didn't want to see me as a walking skeleton, alive but not living. Your mom's trying to help, she loves you, she knows you can still starve and purge behind her back but she's doing what she can, what she knows how to do.

I wanted to die too. It was so hard. Even after she took me to the nutritionist, the psychologist, after I said I would gain weight, I was so scared of getting fat and it was so habitual, I just couldn't stop. I just wanted to be skinny. I hid my food, pretended to eat, cried when she made me. It was horrid. Food was my life. I lost everything else. My friends all left me and I could hear my mom cry every night. Even when I realised at 50lbs I was not happy, not beautiful, I couldn't stop. The longer you do it for, the harder it is. You need to put on weight. Trust me. When you're underweight, you're more likely to wanna starve and you actually need to have a BMI of 20 and above. I'm not saying you HAVE to but you can't live like this. Do you really want to live your life fighting with your body? With food? You'll end up heavier than you ever were. I say this from experience.

I want to die too. So much. I eat so much and food has become my life. I just want it all to end but I can't. I, WE have come so far. You've stood through so much. There are people you have to pass on this message to, 8 year olds are starving themselves, SHOW THEM, you don't have to be skinny to be perfect. You are okay. It's okay. Trust me. It'll get better. I promise. Fight that voice. Fight that voice saying you're not good enough, not skinny enough, not perfect enough, that you will never be enough. That voice is a monster. It's not you. Beat it. You're strong. Your mom loves you. I hated my mom at so many points of my life. I even said it to her face. You're her daughter, you're the baby girl she held and loved. You still are her.

Don't let it win. You will never be happy. You can be as skinny as you want but you will never be beautiful. Not to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW4K-6HSdMc

Just a video and a song. Listen to lyrics. Look at the pictures.

Faith And Trust