33 days.

[Magenta]

Sorry for another post, since I wrote one last night. I was going to edit my reply on my other one but while this is sort of related... it's not entirely.

33 days. August 2nd, I see a new psychiatrist. He'll have my file, he'll have anything other three psychs have noted... but I need answers now.

Last night was my third, maybe fourth, "episode" that I can really remember this year. The high points scare me. The not being able to get words out- even while typing- because I'm thinking too quickly and can't focus, the thinking suddenly I can do great things when it's very unrealistic and wanting to run around and laugh and thinking things are hilarious when they're NOT. It's not normal and I can see this. But because I know self-diagnosing is bad, I am reluctant to Google anything like this.

I hated last night. I went from wanting to die to thinking I was able to change people's lives. Those who saw my other post may have noticed that it was NOT like me to write like that or be that energetic. I'm usually very calm and quiet.

I feel normal now. Like... content. I'm not depressed. I'm a bit worried and irritable but it's a normal day, my mum has made me laugh and I'm enjoying the relaxation of summer.

But how long am I going to last? I go into these severe lows for no reason. Even with medication and two hospitalizations, I get better for a period of time where I'm normal before suddenly, for no reason at all, life is over.

I never feel like I'll get better like a regular person because as soon as I think I do, it's back to insanity. I honestly feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I've always been crazy. I had mood swings as a kid... I was DEPRESSED as a kid. That doesn't feel normal. Other times people said I was this happy, hyper kid... but I can't remember any of it anyway.

How am I going to get through the next month and a bit?
/rant.

EDIT: I wrote a three-paged "letter" to my psych... well, whichever one I'll eventually see. Considering asking to have my appointment moved up. Thing is, I don't want to give it to my current one because she's leaving the country at the end of the month to deal with a family crisis and she wouldn't be able to help, I don't think.

[ChaseThisLight]

hey, again.
one of my problems is that I think. but I think and I don't stop thinking. 5 minute ups of wow yea this is going to be amazing to other eventualities to the worst possible outcomes! honestly it feels like my forehead skin is being stretched from my eyes up to my hair line so so tightly that i actually feel like my skull and skin is going to snap and my brain explode out of it!

i hate it.

[Magenta]

Mine aren't five minutes though. They can be uncontrollable for up to three days... maybe more, not sure because I'm usually focusing on coming down.

And my appointment was changed to Monday! o_____o Ohgod.

[Alexithymia]

This'll be good, though, right? A month isn't what you wanted, -now- is what you wanted. Seeing a new psych is extremely hard at first, but it'll be okay. I promise.

[Amaryllis]

It's going to be okay. You'll get better. Really. When I was a kid, I had these periods when I would literally become someone else. Well, at least that's what it felt like. Sometimes I felt like I could jump off the 19th story and fly. And then I would have these rapid thoughts. I would think SO FAST and I felt so wild, I didn't feel like I was in control AT ALL. I knew it, I knew how I was thinking, I knew what I was doing but I just couldn't stop it.

Then there were days when I just felt horrid, I wanted to die and sleep and never wake up which means the same thing. I just wanted to disappear.

Anyway, my point is, it got better. I still have periods when I truly feel OFF. The worst is when it's during an important exam. I write SO rapidly. I think so quick, I can't keep up with my thinking. Does that make sense? I'm sure you know what I mean right? You know something's wrong but at the moment, you feel like God but you just can't keep up with your Godliness. Lol. That sounded all whacked. You just can't type or talk coherently because you're thinking so fast and it's like your entire system is on fast forward.

Sometimes my periods last for seconds, at least, it felt like seconds. I really don't know. Sometimes they go on for what feels like forever. This euphoria and then.... Die.

What I do find helps is just sitting STILL. Like absolutely still. I know it seems impossible when you're so high up but try your best. Sit still. Breathe. It's hard at the start but trust me. It works. Then count back from 100. Your mind will do it reealllyyy rapidly but just try. 100. Breathe in. 99. Breathe out. 98. Breathe in. 97. Breathe out. Just keep doing it. It seems impossible but trust me. Try. You can do it.

PM me if you ever need me :)

Faith And Trust

[Fiction]

Jo, try and be as open and honest with your new psych. Tell her about these mood swings. I don't know how honest you've been before, but if you haven't been entirely honest with them then you should start now. It's the only way you'll get the help you need.

[Magenta]

Thanks, Kathy. It's not that I haven't been honest, it's just that I don't talk. On here, I doubt I come off as overly quiet but I'm almost silent in real life. I go into those appointments and freeze up. I'll tell them though.

Z, I know EXACTLY what you mean. You know something's wrong but when you feel so euphoric, you figure what the hell? You're happy right? You're above it all even if something is telling you that there's something seriously off. I can barely keep up with myself in times like those. Thank you for describing that. I thought I was nuts.

[Amaryllis]

Haha don't worry. If you're nuts, so am I. So if we're all nuts, we're probably the best nuts on the tree, right? We are kinda like nuts. Nuts are full of energy but before they crack, they're perfectly smooth and then when you do eat them, they just crack.

Good luck with your psych. Tell him everything. He can't help you unless he knows what you're dealing with. Good luck!

[Magenta]

I don't think I've ever been compared to an actual edible nut. Thanks for making me laugh. xD

[Amaryllis]

Yay! I made you laugh. Your laugh made my day xD

So what kinda nuts do you like? I like pistachios. Lol