hate myself

[Iris]

i didnt cut for three days-the most since i started. but i just got back home from my second shrink-i go to two-and it was so bad in there and i was so messed up and i hate myself so much so i cut. i feel so much better but i wish i had a different way to get relief :( now my hand is dripping with blood and i'm only typing with my right hand becauae i dont want to get blood on my laptop and i feel like such a weak pathetic loser. wish i was dead :'(

[MadManWithaBox]

Why do you hate yourself?

[Iris]

because I'm destroying myself :( im never gonna be ok. never gonna be happy

[MadManWithaBox]

Well if you know you're destroying yourself, why do it? You're just in a nasty cycle.

[Iris]

not the cutting. that's not what's destroying me. My mind is messed up and I'm so closed off to others, it turns out. This new shrink is supposed to connect my conscious and subconscious and its supposed to take away the psychological reasons behind me not being able to lose weight. But he said my subconscious is too powerful and its destroying me :( and it's pushing him away and i don't know what to do about it...
Cutting just made me numb to all the hate and anger i felt at myself

[MadManWithaBox]

That doesn't really sound like any psychiatrist I've been to :/ But, try and get a new one? A normal one/ I hated all my psychiatrists till I found the one I have now. And opening up.. isn't nearly as hard as you make yourself perceive it is.

[Iris]

I go to a regular psychologist too. But this new one is for specific problems-in my case, weight. And he's right though. My subconscious is very protective and it holds me back from saying things and letting people get to the root of the problem because I'll fall apart if it lets go because I repress everything bad that happens to me. This is probably making no sense to you :/

[MadManWithaBox]

No it makes sense. Repressing things doesn't help. If anything it makes things worse.

[Iris]

yeah but its the only way i knew how to deal with all the shit in my life and by now there's such a buildup that i can never let go, even for a second

[MadManWithaBox]

Well you have to. At some point. Or you'll crack. So badly. I did.

[Iris]

I cracked a few times already. Worst moments of my life. But cutting keeps me from cracking. it helps me push stuff away and keep it down

[MadManWithaBox]

But you can't carry on with that indefinitely.

[Iris]

i know :( i dont know what to do and even f i did i cant change anything for another year. I need to get out of my environment first or else I'll be in even worse shape... Just thinking about it makes me so much more depressed than i already am...

[MadManWithaBox]

Then don't think about it. Do something fun to distract yourself for once!

[Iris]

Yeah my friends coming over later and we're going to stay up all night and get drunk. Im waiting for the numbness i got from the cutting to leave so i can do that