Too exhausted...

[Magenta]

It's not even willpower. I'm just too tired. I can't be bothered to get the blade, roll my pants up... I won't do it. I wish I felt like this was a good thing. Sure, I'm not cutting. That's great, right? But it's... I want to. I would if my body didn't feel like it was being weighed down like lead. Instead, I'll just insult myself until I feel like I've crushed myself down enough.

I'm going to be alone. All my friends will be out of the country, across the country or without internet within the next little while. But I can't even bring myself to speak to them or see them. They hold the conversations. I feel useless and worthless and, usually, I'd cut. But the block is there. It's like I'm cutting... but I haven't really. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not getting better.

I don't know what's wrong with me... at least the Jo that could feel the pain was alive. A functioning human. This one can barely gather the energy to breathe.

[anonymous53]

Jo, it'll be okay. *hug* maybe it's time to go back, if it'll help?

[Magenta]

To the hospital or therapy, you mean? No. I refuse to go. I just barely managed to get out of them both. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I don't need the help. I'm a waste of their space.

[screamtobeheard]

I thought I was the only one who felt like that. Like, you want to cut, so badly. But to get the blade, it would take energy that you don't have...I completely understand. It's awful. It's a terrible feeling, and I don't know how to fix it, but if you want to talk about it, feel free to PM me.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I've felt that this so many times, and just tonight I managed to get the energy to get my blades. I can't say that I have any great advice to give you, cause I don't know how to help myself and I'm feeling pretty similar. If you need to talk though, please do PM me, and don't feel like you're pestering me or that your a waste of my time. I like talking to people who understand how I might be feeling, but I never have the courage to PM them, so I just sit and suffer in silence on my own. Please, don't feel like you need to do that. I'd be glad to talk to you whenever you need it.

[Magenta]

Well, I gained that energy now anyway. Still sort of hyperventilating. My mum came into my room and I had no real way to smoothly hide my wrist and I'm scared she saw... and I blush really easily when scared or humiliated.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I'm guessing that your mum doesn't know? How is your relationship with her? Is it possible that perhaps it'll be better if she knew?

[Magenta]

My mum knows... she just doesn't know I still do. She assumes I stopped and I refuse to talk to her about it. I won't even bring up my past two hospitalizations around her. It's not that we don't get along but because of... past events... I don't trust her enough.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Ah, well at least she knows that you used to. In any case, you don't know that she saw anything. Maybe its best if you try to forget that its possible that she saw anything. If she brings it up, be honest and don't deny that you did it, but if she doesn't bring it up, then try to forget and not stress about it?

[Magenta]

Well, a bit too late on the not stressing part... :/

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Yeah, and I know that's easier said than done, but try to relax. Do something to take your mind off it. Something that relaxes and calms you. Stressing out too much will just make you feel worse.

[Magenta]

Well, back to day 0... second time today. Not that it was day one or anything. Blah... sort of feel like a failure but I can't say I actually care too much. Maybe I'll just go troll the interwebs.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Trolling may help.
And you are not a failure, try not to think that of yourself. I've relapsed so many times, and its been about 3 times tonight. But I'm okay with that. I know that I'll try again. Relapses happen, and will continue to happen until you're able to stop completely. Don't feel too bad about it. It won't help.

[Magenta]

Thanks... I may just go to sleep. I got less than four hours of sleep last night and blah. Thanks again.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Yeah, I think sleep will help. Everything becomes a little bit more clear after some sleep. I should actually go and get some too. You're welcome, I like to help people. If you need anything in the future, give me a PM. I'll be glad to try and help, at the very least you can vent to me. :) I hope you feel better soon. x