Willpower is gone

[Alexithymia]

I'm done with fighting against what ED I have. Whether it's anorexia nervosa, a forming of bulimia, or an EDNOS, I'm done fighting against it. It's... horrendous. I'm 123lbs now. I just want to fucking puke at how heavy. Food is disgusting to me. I avoid it with all costs. I find myself so embarrassed that I'm eating. Dinner is becoming a chore for me. But I have to eat, or else they'll notice it. Fuck fuck fuck. If I don't eat, they notice. If I do eat, I become fat. I don't know... I don't know.

[Thanatos]

123 lbs is no wheres near fat, brah. How tall are you btw, not to pry. I'm not going to say anything else until I get my facts straight.

[Alexithymia]

5'7", maybe 5'7" and half. I'm on the upper range of the BMI scale.

[Mynameisconner]

You seem to be great the way you are! Supplement yourself with food! I promise you; You are no where near fat; not even close to obesity. You seem great to me!

[Alexithymia]

No. I can feel it. People tell me I'm wrong, but they're wrong. I may not be -fat-, but I know I'm overweight. Maybe the BMI scale lies, maybe I'm just odd. But I can feel that I need to lose at least 5-10 pounds.

[Mynameisconner]

I understand your thinking! I've gone through that before too. I can assure you that 120 poundish on anyone is not overweight. Not even nearly close.

[Alexithymia]

*sigh* I guess. I'll take the arguing to PMing, but I mean. I just feel overweight. And I feel horrible when I eat. I just want to lose weight. I want to do so many things, but I can't.

[Magenta]

:( Mark, you know this is a problem. I know it's a constant fight but you have to fight this. I know you have more strength for this. You lend me your strength constantly and help me through my worst. Take that strength and apply it to yourself this time.

:hug:

We can both get better.

[Amaryllis]

I was 50lbs. I still thought I was the fattest thing in the world. I was miserable. I didn't sleep for months. You can't sleep when you're underweight and I was too busy thinking about food. You don't want this. You don't want to be fighting this your whole life. I isolated myself because I didn't want to have to eat and I was so tired. Too tired to talk, too tired to fight, too tired to study, too tired to eat, too tired to live. Yet I still made myself walk up and down the corridoor every night, when the world was asleep and my mom was bawling her eyes out. A birthday exercising non-stop for eating half a slice of cake is no birthday at all.

When you're skinny, will you be happy? Will your problems be fixed? Will everyone love you all the more? will this world be better? Will you finally think you're good enough? If you lose 10 pounds you will want to lose more. Believe me. It's an obsession. You can fight it. I know it's hard, I know you're tired, I know you want to give up, I know sometimes you want to die but you've come too far to let it all go. You're running up an escalator while it's running down. You have to keep going. Reach the door at the top, step in and you're free. Step in and I'll grab your hand and pull you up. Don't let it win. It's dark down there. Keep running up. Don't let it take you down. You don't have to be alone.

Is the sun fat and ugly? Are daisies more beautiful than roses? Is a big car uglier than a toy car? Is a skinny tree more loved than a strong, big, 100 year old tree?

You will NEVER be happy. Not if you learn to love you for you. No one STAYS anorexic/bulimic/whatever and truly lives. You choose. Death or recovery. I look back at pictures of me when I was getting thinner and thinner. I didn't realise it then but i was disgusting. No wonder all my friends left me. I truly wanted to die then. And when I laid there puking my guts out I knew I was going to die. Before anorexia, I was beautiful. Wavy long hair, a black so pure it was almost blue and eyes the colour of the earth :) then the other pictures of this walking corpse... My eyes were dead and my hair was gone. The things I loved most and what I cared about became nothing. All I cared about was food. It was my worst enemy and best friend.

How skinny is skinny? What number on the scale will finally be not fat? When will you finally realise you can't live like this. Your eating disorder is not your friend. Skinny is not worth the consequences.

The voices telling you "you're fat. You're ugly. You're not good enough. You suck. Go kill yourself. Give up. Starve. Vomit it all up. Don't eat that. You have no self control. Nobody loves you. You see all that fat? You're disgusting. Disappear. Skinnier. Skinnier. Skinnier." that's not you. That's the demons inyour head. You don't need them.

This is my voice to you and you know this. Somewhere inside. "you're strong. You're perfect the way you are. You can beat this. You choose. You made your parents proud. You are amazing. You will be free. You are enough. You're not alone. You don't have to fight this on your own. You are stronger, better, wiser than what your eating disorder makes you out to be. What anyone makes you out to be. You have a life. You are not your eating disorder."

Im far from 50lbs now but i'm so much happier. I have friends. And im starting to learn how to crawl again. Baby steps. I'm rebuilding the skeleton ana left me with. PM me. Talk to me. It's okay. You're going to be okay.

Faith And Trust

[Alexithymia]

Faith (I'm calling you that because Z is... weird), that was perhaps the best explanation I've heard of what anorexia is. And how you need to stop now. I hate to say this, but... it probably won't help me. I don't hear that voice "You're amazing. Perfect. Wonderful. Beautiful." I hear that voice that says "Skinnier. Longer pants -- scars will show. Try the arms again. Puke that dinner up. Die. Die. Die." I don't like that voice. But it's the only voice I hear. It's either that or numbness, and I learned that being numb is far worse than this. But I have to stay away from death. Ugh.

Ugh.

I don't know what (or how) to do anything without worrying. I'm already on that road. I wonder if I should die; it would be easier. I feel as if I just need to give up now. I ate a shit ton of calories today. (Probably what I -should- eat.) I fucking didn't do anything to lose weight. And I know that people won't see a boy who's starving himself, has scars, and lies to keep everything hidden. They'll see a boy, slightly overweight, anti-social, pissy. It's how I let myself be seen. Because I can't be seen how I am. I'll be a freak.

Sorry for the wall of text.

[Amaryllis]

Mark. Can I call you mark? Okay, mark. You know what I see? A lonely, helpless, frustrated, dying boy with more pain than he alone can handle. But I also see a strong, kind, stubborn boy who really just wants to be accepted. You're not a freak to me. You're not a freak to anyone here. And anyone who thinks you are, they're just ignorant and ignorance is arrogance.

You can be skinny but there will still be people who will never accept you but that doesn't matter because as long as you do, or even if at least ONE person cares and accepts you, you are worth recovery and life. Okay, this might seem like a useless question but it's not but are you gay? If you don't mind me asking. And I have nothing against the LGBT community. I think prejudice is stupid. But this is a valid question.

If you die, I'm going to cry. I hardly know you but I'm gonna cry. And so are a lot of people. When people look at me, they see a bubbly, slightly chubby, understanding girl who doesn't need to study to get all her As. I feel miserable. Everyone thinks I don't have a single problem but I do. I'm caught between wanting to jump off a cliff and die to thinking if I jump of a cliff I'll fly. We all have our secrets, we all have our problems. Don't keep it all inside. It will just morph into cutting and starving or whatever else.

Scars are scars. Once they heal, once the wound closes, that's it. If that person is a person with at least one ounce of empathy, they will know you are not your eating disorder, that your scars are not you. Because they are not. You are Mark. Not anorexia. Not Blade. Not Pain.

When you're skinny, what will they see? A walking corpse. Have faith. Trust that it gets better. Trust me. Try ranting. Just spill all the years of anger, hate, pain, tears, misery, hopelessness, all the horrid things that anyone has ever done, all the scars that never seemed to fade and how you got to where you are. Just type it all out, pretend you're talking to the voices in your head. All the things they ever did to you. You don't want to live like this, you don't have to. Send the rant to someone you trust, if you want, send it to me. You have 2 choices. Death or recovery. Why pick death when you could pick the latter and for once, you could be happy? Give yourself the chance.

Faith And Trust

[Alexithymia]

Faith. Thank you. I am gay. (Hence the signature.) First of all, Z -isn't- weird, I would just feel odd calling you Z. Sorry for the semi-diss. Anyway, I... I can't really cry. I try to. I shake at night. I sob, but tears don't fall down. They merely suffer in my body. (I should stop writing like that.) You shouldn't cry if I die. I'm useless. I have a bit of brains, but many others have much more. I'm not kind. Well, not anymore. I'm not strong; I'm overweight. And no, I don't want sympathy. Please, if I need/want people telling me something, then I'll PM you. I try and keep the forums separate. I smile at people, and say hi, but I never want -- I never should make any bonds. Because in a week, I'm going to become anti-social towards them. If not to drive them away, then to protect my secrets.

I see myself as a freak. And others probably do too. A boy who rarely opens his mouth, never smiles, glares, talks back, and then goes and pouts in his room. People see an immature boy. A boy who spoiled. But... why can't I show them who I am? Who I really am? Depressed, tired, anorexic/bulimic, friendly (on certain days). I only show them who I think they should see. I only show them who I feel they should know. I only show them a lie. And why? Because like I said, I shouldn't be seen as who I am. I might be stubborn, but I'm only stubborn in the things I shouldn't be.

I feel like I'm going to pass out. Not because I'm tired (I've done nothing today), but because I haven't eaten. I haven't expressed myself. I'm tired of being here, of being with my family. Please, please give me a week where I know no one. Where they don't report to my family. I just need a week where I can learn to be me again. Because I can't fake myself anymore. I'm just going to break. I'm just going to end up falling apart.

When I'm skinny, what will they not see? A spoiled, evil, teenage boy. They'll see a boy who tries. Not a boy who gives up. Who eats non-stop. But a boy who wanted something, and so he got it. I should listen to what you say because I know you're right. But... I can't. I can't go over to the kitchen and grab a cracker. I've eaten a shit ton (as I've said before) today. And I feel like shit.

I'm so sorry for making you read this. Really.

[Amaryllis]

It's okay, mark. I write a lot more than you do. You can write 3 pages about each emotion and I wouldn't mind. You're gay. That's a part of you. But does that mean that's ALL you are? If you're here talking about your eating disorder, then there's more to you. You are more than what shape you are.

I know what it's like to push people away but we're both stupid to be doing that. You hide what you truly are because you don't want to be hurt. You are afraid people will reject the real you. So you piss them off and push them away. But by doing so you're hurting yourself anyway. So what's the point?

You push people away because a part of you thinks you won't live that much longer anyway. There are people who care.

When I first stepped on the scale on the doctor's office, she told me to drink full fat milk, eat avocado and eat red meat. I cried. I kept saying over and over "I can't! I can't!" I really couldn't. I couldn't even bring myself to drink a bottle of Gatorade to save my life. But I got better. I promise you it will. Trust me. And most of all, trust yourself. You don't deserve any of this.

I know it's hard but make friends. I isolated myself, my friends left, I felt like i was all alone with Ana. Running up an escalator than was running down while her hideous, bony hands clung onto me. Don't take her hand. Keep going. Keep going. No matter what you do, never give in. Never give up. I'm here for you. Hell, I'm practically dragging you up the stairs but you have to work with me here, kick her hand, his hand, whatever, keep climbing up. Don't turn around. You'll stumble but I promise you will never fall right to the bottom as long as you keep trying.

I was there. I wanted to die. Death was better than a stupid eating disorder. It still is. I'll speak the truth, I'm not fully recovered. I still hear a voice telling me that I'm not good enough, that I should never have been born, that nobody needs me, that I'm fat and ugly. But the difference is now, when it tells me not to eat that cookie, I can spit in it's face and tell it "screw you. I don't need you. I'm eating and I don't care what you say".

I wanted to give up too but I didn't. A part of me still wishes I was dead but now I know I can't. I have to live for all the people I need to help, for you. If you die, I die. Im grabbing on to your hand, you fall, we both do so keep holding on. Work with me. Try. Don't push me away. I can help you

[disassociation2016]

I'm sorry if I skipped out on anything skimming above this post, but I think you should eat healthy if you can't enjoy any food at all. If it's going to be a chore for you to eat then make it worth while ;) In my opinion your absolutely not overweight.

[SosbanFach]

You're my about height, and also about my weight (123lb = approx 57 kg?). That's not overweight. Here's a screenshot of that in a BMI calculator.
3062
See, not overweight. You're not fat, so don't think that you are!

[Amaryllis]

I'm not even gonna say eat healthy. Eat whatever the hell you want. Calorie counting does not work. If you want a piece of cake and you eat a piece of lettuce instead, you'll end up eating all sorts of "low-cal" things and it'll turn into a major binge and in the end, you'll probably have the cake anyway.

You don't want to live the rest of your life fighting between eating what you want, hating what you eat, eating what you think you should and eating and hating yourself afterwards.

[Alexithymia]

Thanks. I mean, I feel fat still. I fucking binged today, and I felt like shit. But... I don't want to care, but I have to. I can look at myself and know that I'm fatter than hell, but all the BMI stuff tells me I'm "healthy" and everyone says I'm "skinny". I just know that I'm not.

[Amaryllis]

Okay let's say you really aren't skinny. If you stopped eating and became skinny, what would change? Would you become a better person? Would you have more people loving you? Would you instantly love yourself and stop cutting?

[Alexithymia]

No, but I'd be happy with myself. I'd be able to actually swim (which I have to do frequently, and coming in fall, five days a weeks) and take my shirt off. I'd be able to walk around the world, unembarrassed.

[Amaryllis]

I was like that when I was skinny. I would feel like I beat everyone. But I still wanted to die more than ever. What I cared about before, I no longer did. I only cared about food. Exercise. Me. I was the most self obsessed person I knew. I didn't help anyone. I didn't help myself. It'll be so hard to stop once you start. A couple of pounds turned into 50 pounds. You can't survive, Mark. Then swimming will be nothing. Boys will be nothing. Living will be nothing.

So what's the point?

[Alexithymia]

I don't know what the point is. I guess I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being told I'm fat. I'm afraid of being told I suck. I'm just afraid. And I don't know how to get over this fear. Losing weight would help though... It would be better. Easier.

[Amaryllis]

It won't, Mark. It'll just make it worse. You're not fat. You don't suck. You have friends. People who care. We like you for you. Not your eating disorder. Not your skin and bones.