And I've decided this

[Twistember]

After 3 hours of thinking, I've decided to stop trying. I'm under pressure with my team, and my 'little sis' keeps putting more and more stress on me. I've had to run a lot of laps because of her, and my body is getting too tired to handle this. I'm also in the process of a psychiatric evaluation. I've become mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. Trying to 'open up' with my teamates did not go well, so I'm trying to figure out a way to fix my relationships with them. (all 15 of them) Putting on a different personality when I'm around my family and friends has really taken a toll on me. It's getting harder, and everyday I don't self harm, it all gets even more harder. I've decided that, to take some pressure and stress off of me, to stop trying to stop. The other things that I've mentioned above will go away soon. Then after that is all delt with, I will handle my family, friends, and self harming. I just need to eliminate what is making me want to self harm the most. I will allow myself a few slips, because the addiction didn't happen overnight, and neither will the healing. I have just started day 7 and whatever happens today, atleast I tried.

Even though this doesn't concern any of you and you probably don't even care, I hope everyone accepts my decision because I believe this is what's best for me right now.

[Ambrosia]

Honestly, I hate that you say it doesn't concern us and we "probably don't care" because you know damned well we do care! It concerns us just as much as it concerns you, because a lot of us have been there, and we really really care.

If you think this is what's best, and this is what you have to do to keep yourself from losing it then so be it. But you have to know it's not the only thing you can do. And it all just takes time. Nothing happens over night, as you said, and nothing will fix itself over night. Life takes time, everything in life takes time. And we all have to learn that.

Perhaps your little sister simply doesn't understand. You can try telling her how you feel? What's going on and what not, and asking her to back off. Your teammates...well, I'm not sure how to handle that...

We are all here for you, and I'm sorry I can't be of any more help. I'm so sorry you feel so broken right now.Remember, we're all always here to talk...

[Twistember]

I'm just used to people not caring.

[Alexithymia]

Cat. I know exactly what you're talking about. And persevering right now.. why would I? I need the help. But you have to realize -this-: this is not the only way to get help. But if this is what you feel is necessary, you should do it. You just can't let it get out of control. And you have to train your body to stop. Because this is not going to be something that you'll be able to stop easily. Once you start, it'll just go downhill. And when you stop, this hell is going to look a lot better.

That's just my two cents.

[Thanatos]

I first saw your posts in your thread about a butterfly tattoo and I took the time to sit and read your blog. Your fighting against self harm really did inspire me. I wish I could tell you I know how you feel, but the truth is I can't, I've never been there so I don't fully understand it. I have however helped some of my friends through similar instances in life.

Honestly its good to give up in some instance, but not others. This is one of those things that is worth the struggle, even though it doesn't seem it now. I could lie to you and say this will get easier, but the truth is that it wont. Everyday is a struggle against it, as my closest friends will tell you. But the fact of the matter is that the fight is worth the reward.

You should, in my opinion at least, give up on putting up a facade. Let those closest to you know how you really feel. Don't try and act like what you aren't just to hide from them. Tell them that you are struggling to get through it, your plans, and how you have set a new record for not cutting. Hopefully they will encourage you along, and if they go to far just warn them to back off a little.

Don't give up on your butterfly.

[Magenta]

Cat, we do care. Otherwise we wouldn't be here reading your posts. :hug:

If you need to give up, we understand. I think we all feel a little bit of disappointment because we want to see you succeed and get better. At the same time, I know I feel almost a disappointment in myself for sympathizing because I'm in my own stage of "giving up".

But remember, seven days is amazing! I've never made it past fourteen, personally. Next time, you'll do eight days. Then nine and then you'll pass my fourteen. And the next time doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. It can be in a month or whatever as long as there is a next time. You don't fail until you give up- entirely.

:hug:

[Twistember]

You don't fail until you give up- entirely.

I haven't given up entirely. It's just on my mind constantly. It's near impossible to think about everything else with it there. I will still be trying, just not as hard. When everything else is fixed, I'll start to fully try again.