Why did you start self harming?

[Ryukuuzi]

I know this is a hurtfull topic and most of the times dificult to talk about, but what made you harm yourself?

[CyanideGoodnight]

Sure, I'll share my story.

It all started march 19th, 2009. I... I started because I wanted to die. I started because I was sick of my aunt controlling my life, of her telling me i CAN do something then later taking it away saying she never said she never said I could do it. I was sick of her making it seem like I was crazy. Like I made it up, ext. I cut because I was sick of it all. That day... That day was when after my aunt "disrespecting me" or whatever it was my small stupid mind was thinking that day, was when I ran into my room, or bathroom, I can't quite remember, and clawed my wrists continuously, begging god to kill me.

Puny arse attempt at suicide, I know, but then, later, I attempted it again, and also started cutting regularly. I got addicted. I would go on "cutting sprees" where I would carve like 5-10 words into my leg at a time, just to relieve the pressure and stress.

Last year, a load more suicide attempts later, and a lot more cuts then that I started going to Group Therapy. Now, I'm recovering, but still relapse. This is my story.

[bambino]

I cut when I'd just turned 16, maybe I was even 15.
Because I'd just started college and was severely depressed, I thought about dying a lot so I wouldn't have to face another day, I felt so numb to everything- one day I just got home, picked up a pair of scissors and started cutting my arm
and after I just felt like a rush of relief- more alive.
And since then its been for many different reasons, but that was the first.

[Fiction]

I first self harmed when I was 14. August when i was 14 I think. It was very mild, just scratches.
I remember feeling numb, and suicidal, but not suicidal enough to actually do anything. I'd gone off the rails in every single way I could. Drinking, smoking, but it wasn't enough.
I'd managed to lose my three best friends in one summer, and I was getting hate texts off some of them. I'd also managed to get myself in a relationship that I really didn't want to be in, where things happened that I didn't want them to. Nothing major, but not nice. When I broke up with him I got people sending me hate messages, his older sister threatening me and some guy trying to get me to cam with him to "prove I was a slag". So yeah that was the first time I self harmed. There's been a million different reasons since but that was the first.

[FullyAlive]

I honestly do not remember exactly what happened or at least I've blocked it out. It was when I was 14, in February. I don't know how I got to that point but I came home from school I was upset someone had said something. And I just wanted to hurt, I was upset and feeling like I wanted pain. So I cut.

[georgiamay]

I self harmed for the first time when I was 12.

At the time, I had just told my mum that I didn't want to live with her anymore, and she didn't take it very well. She was having a go at my dad 24/7 for "taking me away from her." I'd been having some problems for the last few months anyway, and this just pushed me over the edge. I'm still not sure what problems I was having, I mean I was 12, what sort of problem can a 12 year old have? I don't know what it was, but it was bugging me. Me and my mum had been having a lot of problems anyway, and this just added to it. She's a recovering alcoholic, and she put alcohol before me on so many occassions, and I was just starting to get really angry with her, and I hated myself for it.

Anyways, I was up in my room at my dads, and my mum was downstairs basically shouting at my dad for god knows what reason, and I knocked over a glass frame and it smashed. I picked up a piece of glass and scatched my arm a few times. I was feeling pretty confused and angry at the same times, and I didn't know what else to do, and scratching myself just seemed like a good idea, and I was just curious about how it would feel.

I'd done everything else to try and make myself feel better. I was hanging out at the park every night with some older people and smoked a few times, and been drinking occassionally. But it didn't really do much for me.

It just happened.

[Twistember]

I first self harmed on June 18, 2010. I was 14. I was feeling too much stress and anxiety from my team and I wanted to get my mind off it. I tried lots of things, but nothing worked. No one was home, so I took a paper clip, sat on the kitchen counter, and scratched my ankle with the paperclip until it bled. The pain got my mind off of it all and for a short time, I was able to breathe. But the relief is only temporary, so I kept doing it. Soon the paperclip wasn't enough. Afer a while I used a razor. Then when that didn't work very well, I took the blades out of the razor and used those. Now I use razor blades and kitchen knives. Since the first time, there has been many more reasons.

[Ambrosia]

I first self harm in June of 2007. I was 13 (I turned 14 in August, a few days before 9th grade started). I was in our family owned shop sitting behind the counter with my mother. I was scared to death of starting high school and had just endured three years that I could probably count as the worst years of my young life. There was something terribly wrong with my parents, something I didn't directly realize but I could kind of feel. I was a bit upset, and I didn't really understand it. I didn't know much about being depressed, or sad, or anything, at the time. There was a box cutter on the counter and I remember turning so my mother couldn't see me and scratching at my arm with it until it bled only a bit. It was barely an inch in length but I ran outside and cried.

I didn't see it as self-harm for several years. I eventually started cutting my shoulders, when I got access to a long sharp pocket knife. Later that year, before christmas, our family went bankrupt and we had to close down ALL of our stores. My parents were fighting like cats and dogs and I began cutting my legs.

About three years later I began cutting my arms up, and leaving scars that are never going to go away.

[Weeping]

The first time I ever self-harmed was just a few weeks after I turned 12. I was going to sleep on the sofa for some reason I don't remember, and I was the only one awake. I had honestly never heard of SH in my whole life and I just felt like a huge urge to hurt myself. I got a pair of scissors, though they didn't work so I started biting my arm etc until it bled.

[whereismymind]

I first did it when I was 13, I just felt angry and sad at myself. I'd wanted to cut for ages but never had the guts to do it, but I just did it. I picked up a blunt knife and didn't stop till I bled then I licked up all the blood.

[Bath]

It was November/December of 2010. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to release how I felt in a different way.

[Syvelocin]

Two months before my fourteenth birthday. I had this huge fight with my parents the day before my mum was leaving on an extended trip. I don't remember what it was about, actual fighting isn't very common in my family. We sometimes push each other's buttons, but nothing like this. I ran up the stairs and to my room in an angst-induced rage and sat up on my bed, with the usual thoughts coming to my head. When I'm upset, I don't just think of what I'm upset about, so it's usually worse than it would be. I think about everything wrong with me and bad that has happened in my life. And I guess that fight was enough, piled with the outer family conflict between my aunt and my mum at the time and the depression that was starting to pop up in me. Took a pair of scissors and just swiped at my arm. Looked like ten sewer rats attacked me just on my right forearm.

My stepdad was sharp enough to notice something was up with how I was acting and the one arm warmer I wore over them. Phoned my mum in London the next day and secured myself a ticket into therapy again.

[Bougainvillea]

I was about 13.
I think after my dad died I started breaking down. Having fits, and started acting up. And I would end up taking my anger out on myself. After a while I felt.. numb. And that's when the cutting started. I never cut my arms, but I did on my thighs. And I scratched a lot. I felt like a bad person. I blamed myself for everything. I reached my peak at 15. I started scratching my face a lot, and the stress was causing my hair to fall out. So, it got to the point to where I had a tantrum and cut my own hair. I went to therapy for a little while, and slowed on the cutting until I stopped completely, which I'm grateful for. I still scratch some, but that's slowed too. Usually once I'm really stressed, or nervous I scratch my thigh or my back some.

I feel I've improved so much. Thanks to Cathy, and people on here. I don't think I would be where I am today without the motivation I've received.

[starbrite5]

I think it was a bit before I turned 13. I don't really remember the first time clearly. I'd been sort of obsessing over it for the better part of a year. Seventh grade had been a really hard school year because I was being bullied so much. A lot of the bullying was people saying I cut myself which, at that point, I didn't. I thought I'd tried every coping mechanism out there, and I thought I might as well do it if people were going to say I did anyway. Ironically, people stopped bullying me about that in eighth grade when I was actually hurting myself. The reasons have changed over the years.

[RakshaMalayka]

I believe i was 11 when i first self harmed. My family had alot of messed up stuff goin on and there were scissors there in my room. I didnt really think about it, i just grabbed the scissors and cut a chunk out of my wrist. I finally wasnt being eaten by the things around me, or my feelings. I didnt even feel the need to cry over it anymore. Since i have done it in many situations and i didnt stick with the scissors. Ive burned, beaten myself, and used razors. I got better for a short time, but things caught up with me and i gave back in..... Well thats basicly my story......

[kacibaybay]

I was thirteen the first time I did it. I'm not sure if I exactly remember the very first time. I think I might, vaguely. I've had depression for seems like forever now and I don't know, I just did it. It wasn't bad at first, but over the last three years it has gotten ridiculously bad. I'm in recovery now. 2 weeks cut free. :D

[xktx]

Complicated ... But basically I lied to the one person who made my life bareable. Mum and dad are fighting. Mums in hospital and one of my best mates just died. Xxx

[morbidmonkey]

I have a fucked up past with my family. Lots of things were hidden from me and i just found out like a year ago. I live with my mom, my aunt, my grandmother and my grandfather. My grandmother channels all her hate at me, and when she does that my aunt also does that so its like i'm being picked on when my mother is not around. When I was still figuring out things from my past, my mom left to go to canada and live with my sister there. I was left with my grandparents and aunt for a good 5 months. It was hell for me. I wasn't allowed to say what i wanted to say and i just felt trapped. I started cutting because i was angry, angry they didnt tell me anything. I just started remembering things that i really didnt want to.

My mom finally returned after the shit i had to go through. Our relationship wasn't as close as it used to be. I stopped cutting. After that, everything just seems like a big blur. My mom got a job that had more hours so i was left alone with THEM again. I wasn't as weak as i was before. I learned to just stop caring. I just recently resumed cutting. Things from the past started confronting me again and i just felt really unwanted again.

[The Dudeh]

My first time was in December 2010 and it was really a combination of things. I felt really lonely, I hated the fact I was attracted to guys and I just had extremely low self-esteem and confidence. It started off as only scratches but it got a lot worse. I don't know why it was self harm and not something else, but it seemed like a good option. I know it's said a lot but the physical pain was better than the emotional pain.

[ShadowGirl]

I broke up with my boyfriend and he took it really hard. He started cutting and tried to kill himself. I felt guilty and thought it was all my fault so I started cutting to punish myself.

[Skyhawk]

I really dislike repeating myself, since I've told my story a few times, so I'll summarize.

I have had a history of being sad and lonely since my parents divorced when I was six, I claimed I had depression for years, who knows if it was true.

It was in March, 2011. I was really stressed over schoolwork, my grades were plummeting, I couldn't think happy, couldn't do anything, and I wanted to die. It was before I left for the school bus and went into the kitchen, grabbed one of the sharper steak knives and tried as hard as I could to make a cut (we didn't have sharp knives I guess) and made mostly a scratch. It didn't bleed much at all, and I was disappointed.

Later that day, my best friend saw the "cut" she called me "emo" playfully, since she think "cutting is cool". It isn't.. When her sister saw it she was sad about it, but numb.

After this I resulted to more physical harm instead of cutting, like punching myself, even threw myself down the stairs a few times when I got mad.

[Malcolm Tucker]

I either don't know or I can't remember. I was 14 anyway. I think things I didn't understand got too much.

[xdancing_for_rainx]

The first time I actually started cutting was when I was 12. I had done some minor things before that, to damage myself, but this was when it really got bad.

I started mainly because of issues with my mother. My dad is in the military, and had gotten an assignment to move to another state. At that time, my grandfather (mother's dad) was terminally ill and dying... so my mother wanted to stay and take care of him. It ended up that my dad moved out, while my sister and I stayed with my mother.

From there, everything just went downhill. There have always been problems in my family... it's really screwed up. But it just all got worse after my dad moved out. My mother became my worst enemy... I hated coming home after school. She would lecture me about what a horrible person I am, and I was never good enough for her. She'd have periods of time where she wouldn't have anything to do with me, for over a month. She wouldn't look at me, talk to me, do anything for me, etc. My sister got it all easy- she's the favorite. It didn't help that people were constantly picking on me at school, though that wasn't nearly as bad as what I had going on at home. I hated myself so much, and felt that I needed punishment, or at least a way to prevent me from destroying myself.

So I basically started self-harming to escape from all the pain I was feeling, and get away from the stress caused by my mother. Nobody seemed to understand, and this was the comfort I found to relieve everything.

[Hopegirl]

As silly as it sounds i started after i thought i feel inlove and then he messed me around..then dumped me..i cut..just felt like ther was no point in my existance..after that i became good friend with a guy in the year above me..really liked him nothing came of it..he started ignoring me ..giving me reason again to cut..then my worst downfall was a few years lter when that same guy tried and very nearly suceeded in sexually abusing me..leaving me paranoid and started suffering from what i think was depression...paranoia has carried on..this happened 3 years ago..Thats my story..very few people know..feel privalaged :/ Still very few people understand it though...it was sexual abuse but the attempt of it left me forever scared :/

[Love.Hate]

Because nobody liked me, i hated myself and i was being bullied really badly. I just needed to get everything out. I dont really know why i turned to cutting, but i did. I think i was around 13, i stopped for ages.. well over a year. Then almost as soon as i hit 15 i started again, this time i became addicted. Everything got too much and it seemed like my only solution at the time.. looking back a realise it was a stupid thing to start doing.. but i never knew how much it would control me.

[Hopegirl]

As silly as it sounds i started after i thought i feel inlove and then he messed me around..then dumped me..i cut..just felt like ther was no point in my existance..after that i became good friend with a guy in the year above me..really liked him nothing came of it..he started ignoring me ..giving me reason again to cut..then my worst downfall was a few years lter when that same guy tried and very nearly suceeded in sexually abusing me..leaving me paranoid and started suffering from what i think was depression...paranoia has carried on..this happened 3 years ago..Thats my story..very few people know..feel privalaged :/ Still very few people understand it though...it was sexual abuse but the attempt of it left me forever scared :/

[Hopegirl]

Sorry for the double post :(

[dontcare97]

I start to self harm when I was 11. I would stab myself with safety pins then twist them to pop the veins underneath my skin. Back then, I was suicidal. I started because everyone would pick on me. I was fat and ugly, no one was there to help me. I felt so alone at home. My father died and my mom got diagnosed with cancer. I didn't want anyone to worry, so i never talked about it. I felt alone because I was.

Now I'm paranoid. I think everyone hates me, even my closest friends. I have such paralyzing fear when people start making fun of me. I break down, everything shuts off. I tremble and I can't talk. I feel like everyone is looking at me, judging me. I hate my body and have the lowest of low esteem. So even when I smile or laugh, deep down I looking around thinking of someone is laughing at me or teasing me.

All this time I never cut because I wear short sleeves all the time and someone would notice until I learned that I could do it on my thigh. So I tried it and enjoyed it.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

I was 12,maybe 13. And my older friend was cutting her bfs name into her arm,she told it numbed her and she got a high off it. So...That night when my mother started screaming at me,I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the knife. The first few cuts where shallow. Then after that,they got really deep...I regret that I even met her,because she stopped afew weeks later (Which im happy about) but here I am,four years later,covered in cuts and burns.

[Graham-x]

I first harmed my self from the age of 11 i got so stressed out so the first thing that cane into my head was thinking if ways to retrieve pain so I Bethan clawing my self then using sharp head bands then I got to a serious point of using scissors and now at the age of 15 I still hav scars I kinda regret it all but talking to my friends about it helped me alot !!

[Bath]

I wasn't happy with my life or my mind, and I knew some people hurt themselves to make them feel better. I wanted to see the blood, you know, see for myself. I did and unfortunately, it worked, it made me feel better. & it always does.

[Charlotte93]

Well, i was 12 and my bro was in a lot of trouble with drugs and crap like that. I knew a couple of my friends that did it and the idea kept rolling around in my mind that maybe i could sh. My bro went away to rehabe and i was a big part in his drug use not that he wouldn't have done it anyway i just knew about all his crap and didn't do shit so when he went away i finaly started sh. It was amazing to me of how easaly it was to just push my emotins into somthing like that. Thats prity much how i started sh.

[Amaryllis]

I don't really know when was the first time I cut. Just feels like it's been a part of me since forever. I remember the first time I REALLY cut though was yes, over a boy. I won't go into detail what he did but basically I just bawled my eyes out, grabbed my scissor or whatever thingies they are from my jewelry making kit and just yeah... But uh... No... I've done bad cuts before that too...

I really don't know. It feels like forever.

[NobodysCupOf Tea]

It was all a blur, i cant really pin point it. It was weeks and months of depression. I'd had these kinda 'episodes' before but this time it was different, it was worse.

I just sat alone in my room, in the dark, listening to depressing songs.

Its kinda weird (and slightly off topic) but i remember dressing up as an 'emo'. All those kinda clothes i had, i put on, and poured black make up over my eyes. I don't even know why i did it, but i did.

I was that moment, i was looking in the mirror, hated what i was and saw my razor on the window sill. I just broke it apart and cut, very mild i may add. Barely bled but it stung like a mother fucker and i loved it.

I think everything just got on top of me.

[LittlePaperStars]

I started about one or two months ago.
Everyone was gone one vacation, and I had no one to talk to. I was really upset- I felt like I was useless, and my parents kept arguing with me. I felt llike they'd never see my side.
I asked my mom how she'd react if I cut myself. She said, "My daughter wouldn't cut." (This was before it all happened) The next day, I'm waiting for her in the car, totally bored, so I start looking through her stuff. I found a brand new razor, with the cardboard on it and everything. I so took it and put it in my purse. Before I hurt myself, I went a week.
One morning I woke up, and felt really crappy. I remembered I hid my razor in one of my books on my bookshelf, so I took it out and stared at it for a long time. The first cut I made was on my left index finger. It didn't hurt. I cut my fingers for a week. Then, things got worse and I started cutting my thumb. Little tiny nicks, that's all.
I was thinking about myself and my life and all the bad things I've done in the past. I started to cut all over my thumb and eventually I had to stop for a bit because mom was getting suspicious...I told her my cat did it.
I get triggered easily, so it's hard...but it's also my way of coping; at least for now..

[Hatsune Miku]

I was depressed. It was Middle School and I was the outcast, I was different from everybody else. I got bullied alot. It was stupid but at the time I didn't know what to do. I've heard of self harm, but I was very naive and didn't know a thing about it.

[love is louder]

i was about 11 and i was playing in the street with my friend that lived over the road. there was always glass on the floor from bottles of wine and stuff from teenagers drinking. i remember picking up some glass and hiding it in my pocket. then i went home later that night and cut all the bottom of my legs. to this day I have no idea why and it has just escalated from there.

[loveless420]

i started back in the eighth grade, which is going on seven years ago now. i used to get made fun of alot for being ugly, fat, disgusting, you name it, that's what they callled me. there was this girl who i thought was my friend, & she ended up stabbing me in the back & talking about me behind my back to everyone & making me look like a complete loser.

one night i was laying in my bed after a fight with my mom. i went into the kitchen & saw my dad asleep on the couch. so i went back into my room & took out a screwdriver with a pointed tip. i stabbed my arm with it until it bled. & then i proceeded to take out my box of thumbtacks & make a bunch of cuts up my arm.

this wasn't enough to calm me down.

i then went into the bathroom & grabbed a bottle of some sort of cold medicine gels or something. i don't remember. i poured the whole bottle in my hand, ready to take all of them. i looked in the mirror & stared at myself for a long time & then i asked myself, what are you doing? something made me stop & think about it. so i put the pills back, went back into my room, & cried myself to sleep.

since then i've struggled with cutting & suicidal thoughts. i've planned on killing myself several times & i was cutting on a regular basis for awhile. i quit & started back up again many times. i am still struggling with self mutilation & feelings of hopelessness & depression. i've never really talked to anyone about how i feel. i just wish i could feeel like i actually have a purpose in life. i wish i could feel normal & not have to deal with the fear that i'm going to hurt myself. & by hurting myself i'm hurting the ones around me because they're afraid for me. i just wish there was a way to feel okay, & a way to explain why i feel so numb all of the time. i just wish i was anyone else but me.

[bambino]

I just felt numb and like I was dead...but still walking

[Pretty eyed baby]

Well my first time a friend told me it would help me get over my break up... It helped at the moment but now I have scars on my arms!

[alley]

A mixture of parents, friends, and expectations I could never possibly live up too. The hate for myself was overwhelming, and the desperation too be someone else was too much too bear. I didn't like who I was.
The thing is, I didn't even want too hurt myself too start with. I had read and heard from others that self harm released emotional pain. I tried it, and it worked, thus I continued, lying too myself that it was what I wanted. Now I realise, it's not what I want. It's what I need.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

I was tired of the painful memories,i was so sick of being screamed at,feeling useless,like a waste of space,forgettable. So,I walked in a trance,to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.