whereismymind
June 19th, 2011, 03:34 PM
Lately I can't explain how I'm feeling. When I'm around friends I feel like I'm a pass time, like I'm not needed and that they'd all ditch me in an instant. It doesn't even matter if they tell me I mean a lot to them I can't fully believe them. I keep letting them all down though, and not being able to give good advice. I wouldn't blame them if they all went off and forgot about me.
I sleep but wake up at 3 every single night, I haven't had a full night's sleep in ages. When I do sleep better I have nightmares and flashbacks. They both stick in my head. I have flashbacks to kids calling me a freak, them all laughing at me and running away from me. My mum going away after the whole divorce, I miss her like hell. I dream about my friends leaving me and laughing at me, and then I commit suicide but either drinking bleach or cutting too deep and hitting an artery. I don't wake up till I die in the dream. I always have a bit of sick in my mouth after waking up though. I haven't cut in a few months since I last slipped up, and I keep wanting to. But I never let myself because I refuse to let my friends down even more. The ones who'll probably leave me.
I don't even know what to call how I'm feeling to be honest. I just needed to say how I feel honestly somewhere instead of acting happy around friends half the time.
I sleep but wake up at 3 every single night, I haven't had a full night's sleep in ages. When I do sleep better I have nightmares and flashbacks. They both stick in my head. I have flashbacks to kids calling me a freak, them all laughing at me and running away from me. My mum going away after the whole divorce, I miss her like hell. I dream about my friends leaving me and laughing at me, and then I commit suicide but either drinking bleach or cutting too deep and hitting an artery. I don't wake up till I die in the dream. I always have a bit of sick in my mouth after waking up though. I haven't cut in a few months since I last slipped up, and I keep wanting to. But I never let myself because I refuse to let my friends down even more. The ones who'll probably leave me.
I don't even know what to call how I'm feeling to be honest. I just needed to say how I feel honestly somewhere instead of acting happy around friends half the time.