just so tired

[Iris]

i feel like every second of every day is a fight. A fight i'm losing. I want to be ok so so bad and i try so so hard but its so EXHAUSTING. for a few months in the winter i began planning my suicide. I figured out the details and was going to set a date until i made myself stop. I just couldn't do that to the people around me-my family, friends. Even though they played a big part in my depression i just couldn't stand someone hurting because of me. I've been hurt too many times myself to be able to stand hurting others. I suppressed all my thoughts about suicide, though every now and then it would sneak up when I had my guard down. But by now I can barely control all these thoughts. I'm so tired of living, of forcing on a smile every day. Doing the simplest things is so hard for me. Every little thing hurts me so much too. My only way to cope is by cutting but lately thats just not enough...I was contemplating slitting my wrists 2 days ago before i made myself not think about it, which by now is a really hard thing. I'm just so so so tired of trying, of the misery constantly weighing me down...whats the point...?

[Lethe]

First off, let me tell you I am so happy that you did not decide to go through with your plan of suicide. You are very brave not to succumb to your sadness.

Being thoughtful of the people around you that care for you is the first step to recovery. When you think of the people who love you grieving for you, it makes you think doesn't it? Once you understand that although you want to take your own life you do not want to hurt anyone, it proves that you are ready to change whether or not you feel that you can.

Have you been diagnosed with depression? If not, I would recommend going to a doctor and having yourself checked out. Although going to the doctor is scary, you need outside help. Do not suffer alone!

Cutting is an outlet for sadness because it draws away from the mental and emotional pain. Physical pain is so much more bearable than emotional. But you can receive that relief in other ways, without doing harm to your body. What do you enjoy doing? Do you like to read? Write? Do you play and sports? When you distract yourself with things you enjoy, you can help yourself emotionally. You need to allow yourself to feel pleasure and happiness. When you allow yourself to be happy, you are helping yourself to heal.

Don't feel like there is no way out. The fact that there are people in your life that would be sad because of your death proves you aren't alone. Don't suffer by yourself! Ask for help. You need it, for yourself and for your family and friends :).

[Iris]

its not so much the grieving-im afraid killing myself would ruin ppl's lives. like grandmother who lost her entire family in the holocaust would be so hurt. My mothers who was depressed throughout my childhood but is sorta recovering would fall back in again. My dad who rarely comes home before 1 am cuz theres nothing to come home to except me and my mom (who he pretty much hates) wouldnt come home at all. My brother whos life is looking really good right now might be messed up....
my principal forced me to go to a psychologist, who diagnosed me. But talking hasnt helped much. My problems arent solvable. The only frend who knows the truth about me is depressed and cuts too, but shes doing so much better than me and it makes me feel like a pathetic piece of crap :( so technicaly im not alone but it feels like i am...
there is nothing that takes the place of cutting. I'm addicted. Plus usually i dont have the time to distract myself-especially lately with finals and evrything (i go to a really hard private school)...theres just no time to paint or do anything really. And im depressed. I dont even remember the last time i was happy. distractions would make me irritated cuz it wont stop the urge to cut and not at all happy

[Lethe]

Knowing that it would ruin someone's life is just as substantial and important as knowing that it would cause them to grieve. The idea is the same! You are a good person and you are suffering. But knowing that ending your life would cause more suffering proves that you are willing and able to change.

It sounds like you have a hard life. Your family isn't as supportive as they should be. And your friends as well do not seem to be offering you much comfort. If you cannot find comfort in these people, you need to look for it with others who can not only provide you with this comfort but can also help you with your feelings. Talking to a school counselor may be helpful. Or, join a club where you can share your interests and goals with others, or better yet, join a youth help group, perhaps one at your own school. Once you find others who you can relate to, you can surround yourself with understanding people who may be able to help you heal.

Your case is not hopeless or unsolvable! Every person can be helped. You just need to know where to look. When you find even one person who can relate to you completely and share your feelings with, you will be shocked at how much it can help.

Don't give up! :)

[Iris]

i already go to a shrink. talking doesnt really help much...just makes me cut myself more cuz she makes me talk about things that are better left repressed. there is no youth help group in my school. the one depressed frend who understood me is better now (at least thats what she said) and it seems like she forgot wat its like to be depressed, so im alone....
im alive. that means i havent given up. but its hard...