Twistember
June 15th, 2011, 10:31 PM
*May be triggering in some parts. Don't read this if you're in a self harm mood.
Sorry if this is too long.
I'm the one who posted the thing about the butterfly project earlier. Well It worked until I couldn't take my anger out on anyone else. I tried to ignore the urge and made some nail polish art on a dried out make up wipe. That got my mind off the razor for an hour. After I hung it up on my closest door, The feeling hit me so hard. I scrubbed off my butterfly and made two cuts across my wrist. Then 3 down my arm. I sat there with blood running down my arm and tears running down my face feeling guilty and ashamed. I just wish there was a time machine so I could try something else to get my mind off it. The painting just wasn't enough. Maybe ignoring the urge made it worse. Now I have a band aid across my wrist, and 3 stuck together on my arm. I can't even look at myself.
This may be weird, but when I cut, all the memories of my dad calling me a confused little girl come back to me. No matter what made me want to cut in the first place. Then I think "I am just a confused little girl. I'll never be anything else." Then I just cut more. Then I start to wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. He does drugs and he's mostly drunk all the time. He never calls, and he told my mom to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. My mom always says, "If we were still married, you'd probably be one of those cutter emo girls." (This is the reason I can't tell her I cut.) I wonder if he even wanted me in the first place. He wasn't there when I was born. I feel like it's all my fault. But I know it's not. It just feels that way. My dad married my mom for the money, my mom married my dad out of insecurity and lonliness. The divorce was bound to happen sometime, but I just feel like it's my fault. The closest thing I had to a father died July 26, 2009. My grandpa. Now I'm seeing all my friend's dads teach them how to drive, scaring off boys, etc.,etc.....And mine isn't. Neither is my grandpa. All I have is my grandma (and she's slipping fast), my mom, aunt and uncle, a few cousins. I'm loosing my family way too fast. I want a whole family. Not a broken one. I don't have that many close friends. No one knows I cut. Sometimes I can't help wondering if life would be better in heaven. Or hell. Where ever I go. Sometimes I just want to die. When I cut, it's because I can't take my anger out on others so I take it out on myself, and to match the outside to the inside. Each 'mean' thing my dad has said to me has left a scar on the inside. Now, the outside of my body matches. I'm not good with people. I'm very anitsocial. I can't open up to people I know. Doing it on here is easier because I don't know any of you personally. If I didn't have trust issues, having a friend to talk to this about would be soooooooooo much easier. But I don't. So I can't. I wish the razor was sharp enough to cut out my heart and my brain so I couldn't feel these things.
I'm sorry this turned into a ramble/rant
Sorry if this is too long.
I'm the one who posted the thing about the butterfly project earlier. Well It worked until I couldn't take my anger out on anyone else. I tried to ignore the urge and made some nail polish art on a dried out make up wipe. That got my mind off the razor for an hour. After I hung it up on my closest door, The feeling hit me so hard. I scrubbed off my butterfly and made two cuts across my wrist. Then 3 down my arm. I sat there with blood running down my arm and tears running down my face feeling guilty and ashamed. I just wish there was a time machine so I could try something else to get my mind off it. The painting just wasn't enough. Maybe ignoring the urge made it worse. Now I have a band aid across my wrist, and 3 stuck together on my arm. I can't even look at myself.
This may be weird, but when I cut, all the memories of my dad calling me a confused little girl come back to me. No matter what made me want to cut in the first place. Then I think "I am just a confused little girl. I'll never be anything else." Then I just cut more. Then I start to wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. He does drugs and he's mostly drunk all the time. He never calls, and he told my mom to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. My mom always says, "If we were still married, you'd probably be one of those cutter emo girls." (This is the reason I can't tell her I cut.) I wonder if he even wanted me in the first place. He wasn't there when I was born. I feel like it's all my fault. But I know it's not. It just feels that way. My dad married my mom for the money, my mom married my dad out of insecurity and lonliness. The divorce was bound to happen sometime, but I just feel like it's my fault. The closest thing I had to a father died July 26, 2009. My grandpa. Now I'm seeing all my friend's dads teach them how to drive, scaring off boys, etc.,etc.....And mine isn't. Neither is my grandpa. All I have is my grandma (and she's slipping fast), my mom, aunt and uncle, a few cousins. I'm loosing my family way too fast. I want a whole family. Not a broken one. I don't have that many close friends. No one knows I cut. Sometimes I can't help wondering if life would be better in heaven. Or hell. Where ever I go. Sometimes I just want to die. When I cut, it's because I can't take my anger out on others so I take it out on myself, and to match the outside to the inside. Each 'mean' thing my dad has said to me has left a scar on the inside. Now, the outside of my body matches. I'm not good with people. I'm very anitsocial. I can't open up to people I know. Doing it on here is easier because I don't know any of you personally. If I didn't have trust issues, having a friend to talk to this about would be soooooooooo much easier. But I don't. So I can't. I wish the razor was sharp enough to cut out my heart and my brain so I couldn't feel these things.
I'm sorry this turned into a ramble/rant