Alexithymia
June 15th, 2011, 04:42 AM
WARNING: Potentially triggering content later on in the post.
The pain I experience; the stress I experience. It's the wrong kind. Emotional. I want physical pain. I've relapsed onto the razor. I'm a mess. I don't want to die... I just want to find a way out of this. Becoming numb is the easiest way I'm finding. Is that right? Shouldn't I want to feel something instead? However, I want to be numb. I want to let the world disappear, so I don't have to deal with it. I'm such a failure. The cutting has only been held back due to the nature of me having nothing to cut with. Once I'm home, that's going to change. But how do I control myself? My arms are my favorite. But long sleeves in summer won't work. Thighs... mmm. The feeling isn't the same. It's not this satisfaction I get. Oh, what I would do just to be able to cut myself once on the arm without getting caught. It feels amazing to me. The sensation of pain that slowly trickles into the arm. The rush of adrenaline as the body prepares for an attack. The skin splitting apart and the veins and arteries splitting open to spill their blood. It is peaceful to me whenever the blood pools up. You can see where you cut a bit deeper as the little dots of blood form there. It slowly drips down the arm.
With the thighs, it's different. I have two different styles. Deep and shallow. Shallow is just when I barely break the surface. The sensations are different. I know it isn't dangerous; it isn't life threatening. The bloods stops quickly, and I get much less pain from it. But it stings later on. It's like life. The deep cuts are different. Quick and sharp. The skin breaks open, and the body is sent into overdrive. It quickly goes to work repairing the damage, but the blood pools out. It rushes down the skin, and starts to form a drop at the knees. It falls to the ground, but no sound is made. As another drop falls, I close my eyes and the feelings surround me. What have I done?
That is how I cut. That is what I feel. I'm sorry for the graphic details. I had to get it out, and for some reason I could describe it very well right now.
The pain I experience; the stress I experience. It's the wrong kind. Emotional. I want physical pain. I've relapsed onto the razor. I'm a mess. I don't want to die... I just want to find a way out of this. Becoming numb is the easiest way I'm finding. Is that right? Shouldn't I want to feel something instead? However, I want to be numb. I want to let the world disappear, so I don't have to deal with it. I'm such a failure. The cutting has only been held back due to the nature of me having nothing to cut with. Once I'm home, that's going to change. But how do I control myself? My arms are my favorite. But long sleeves in summer won't work. Thighs... mmm. The feeling isn't the same. It's not this satisfaction I get. Oh, what I would do just to be able to cut myself once on the arm without getting caught. It feels amazing to me. The sensation of pain that slowly trickles into the arm. The rush of adrenaline as the body prepares for an attack. The skin splitting apart and the veins and arteries splitting open to spill their blood. It is peaceful to me whenever the blood pools up. You can see where you cut a bit deeper as the little dots of blood form there. It slowly drips down the arm.
With the thighs, it's different. I have two different styles. Deep and shallow. Shallow is just when I barely break the surface. The sensations are different. I know it isn't dangerous; it isn't life threatening. The bloods stops quickly, and I get much less pain from it. But it stings later on. It's like life. The deep cuts are different. Quick and sharp. The skin breaks open, and the body is sent into overdrive. It quickly goes to work repairing the damage, but the blood pools out. It rushes down the skin, and starts to form a drop at the knees. It falls to the ground, but no sound is made. As another drop falls, I close my eyes and the feelings surround me. What have I done?
That is how I cut. That is what I feel. I'm sorry for the graphic details. I had to get it out, and for some reason I could describe it very well right now.