Feeling the urge once again

[schrei jess]

Okay so Ive been doing better. Ive made maybe two cuts since I last posted here, no big deal, left light purple scars and there was a lot of blood, but it was only two. One on my knee in a line with the previous three I had there, and one on my shoulder, which actually is just scabbed over, no scar.

Anyway, Im feeling the urge to do it again. Im having that sense of hopelessness that I always get. It feels stronger this time. Ive told many of you, but Im in love now, I pretty much know it for sure. But this feeling of love isnt nice like it should be, it's causing me a lot of pain. Im in love with a girl, my best friend to be exact. And I cant tell her how I feel, I know she doesnt feel it back. And all of the love I have for her just sits inside, tearing my heart apart. It's becoming too much to handle. I find myself imagining cutting her name on my leg, watching it bleed, and feeling satisfied. Im curious to try it, and see if it will make me feel any better. I know I must sound crazy, but Im getting desperate here, I wish I didnt love her so much, it's killing me. And I wouldnt mind having her name scarred upon my body forever...

Someone tell me how crazy Im being, I dont know what to do, Im literally going insane and the only thing I know to turn to is the blade!

[thesphinx]

Ok you haven't cut in awhile thats goood!
i know its hard having someone that your in love with so close but yet so far away, its hard but you have to move one if she doesn't love you back its hard but you have to do it.
as for cutting her name into you skin. please dont do that you will regret it.
but you not going crazy you just in a hard spot.
please hang in there!! :)
if you want to talk pm me

[Sapphire]

Unrequited love is, in my opinion, the most painful aspect of the emotion of love. It is not madness you are experiencing, just the trials of those in love.
The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself busy with things. Now, whether that is doing things with friends or diving into hobbies or school it doesn't matter. But they will take your mind off of it, if only for a little while. I won't tell you that it will go away or that you'll wake up one day and not love or miss her. But given time it won't hurt as bad. You will even get to a point when the two of you can be good friends and the pain won't interfere with your friendship. I know it's not a quick fix, but it pains me to say that there is no other way.
Hang on in there, take things day by day. I found that when the urge to cut approached taking every five minutes at a time helped me. Do this if you need to. x

[Bobby]

Jess. I know your love. I know that feeling. But you have to move on. If she doesn't feel the same, then she doesn't, and you can't change that.

As for cutting: Find something else to do. Watch some of your anime, or some Bill Videos. Any BUT self-harm. Throw out the blades, or anything you use to cut yourself. It's just not worth it.

[The Resurrected One]

Don't do SELF HARM! It is not worth it. When I am really, really, really, really, really depressed, I just cry and cry and cry and cry. The worst I probably do to myself is punch myself. lol

[Sapphire]

Don't do SELF HARM! It is not worth it. When I am really, really, really, really, really depressed, I just cry and cry and cry and cry. The worst I probably do to myself is punch myself. lol

Do you not realise that punching yourself IS self harm?

[The Resurrected One]

Well...I punch myself "weakly"...

[football]

well jus look at this from ur point of view


Take Some Time and actually Read this

this is GUY TALKING...

IT'S 7TH GRADE...


I stared at the girl next to me...She was my so called "best friend"... I stared at her... Long, silky hair... And I wished she was mine... But she didn't notice me like that... I knew it... After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before... And I handed them to her... She said "thanks"... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I want her to know that I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't know why...





IT'S JUNIOR YEAR...


My phone rang... On the other end it was her... She was in tears... Mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart... She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone... So I did... As I sat next to her on the sofa... I stared at her soft eyes... Wishing she was mine... After 2 hours... A Drew Barrymore movie... And 3 bags of chips... She decided to go to sleep... She looked at me.. Said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I want her to know... That I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't know why...





IT'S SENIOR YEAR...


The day before prom... She walked to my locker... "My date is sick" she said... He's not going to go... Well... I didn't have a date and in 7th grade... We made a promise that if neiter of us had dates... We'd go together just as "best friends"... And so we did...





IT'S PROM NIGHT...


After everything was over with... I was standing at her front door step... I stared at her ... She smiled at me... I wanted her to be mine... But she doesn't think of me like that... And I know it... Then she said "I had the best time... Thanks!"... And she gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to telll her... I wanted her to know that I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why...





IT'S GRADUATION DAY...


A day passed... And then a week... And then a month... Before I could blink... It was graduation day... I watched her... Perfect body... Floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma... I wanted her to be mine... But she doesn't think of me that way... And I know it... Before everyone went home... She came to me in her smock and hat... And cried as I hugged her... Then she lifted her head from my shoulders and said "you're my best friend"... "Thanks!"... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her.. I wanted to know that I wanted to be more than "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy... And I don't know why...





IT'S A FEW YEARS LATER...


Now I sit in the pews of the church... A church that she is getting married in now... I watched her say "I do" an drive off to her new life... Married to another man... I wanted her to be mine... But she didn't see me like that... And I knew it... But before she drove away... She came to me and said "You came!... Thanks!"... And she kissed me on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I wantd her to know that I didn't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why...





YEARS PASSED...


I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend"... At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years... This is what it said... "I stare at him... Wishing he was mine... But he doesn't notice me like that... And I know it... I wanted to tell him... I wanted him to know... That I don't want to be "just friends"... I love him but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why... I wish he would tell me he loved me"... I wish I did too... I thought to myself and I cried...

[schrei jess]

Ive read that before, kind of sad. But it's different with me, we're both girls, and she has told me she only likes guys. I dont want to risk losing her because I was foolish enough to risk our friendship because I love her more than just that, if I lost her - life would definetly not be worth living.

And just to let everyone know, I didnt cut, and I wont now. It's just sometimes I get those strong urges, and sometimes I cant fight them off...but I did this time, Im glad I didnt. Maybe I can resist it next time too.