so alone....

[Iris]

i cut myself a lot today, because something happened that changed the way i think of things and myself-i feel like a horrible monster-and NO ONE understands. i told my best friend and she said its not a big deal. i told my psychologist and she was just sitting there confused. I wont bother saying what happened cuz none of you will understand either. It made me realize how alone I am in the world. No one understands me, no one can really be there for me and it sucks. It's like this invisible wall between me and the world. :( im so lonely

[equestrianlover890]

I to my friend am lonely. But someday we will find somebody who understands us. I know because even I have met someone who somewhat understands me, and has saved me from myself. It may be far off, or it may not be. But just hang in there.. its hard to feel socially secluded. We're not supposed to feel this way, humans aren't supposed to be alone. The mere fact that we can survive like this is a miracle. Stay strong.

[User Deleted]

Please, I know you don't think we will understand, but explain. I guarantee someone will understand :D

[Iris]

no one here knows about repressive ultra orthodox religious societies that dont even let you wear short sleeves or pants. No one would understand.

[User Deleted]

There are more than 1000 people here, someone has at least experienced something similar. Anyways feel free to VM me if you want to talk about it in a more personal environment than here.

[Magenta]

I actually might understand. I try to look at things from other people's perspective to understand if not be able to at least grasp it? Give it a try. I'd like to help.

[Iris]

k sorry if it makes no sense-
i live in a ridiculously religious jewish community where EVRYTHING you do has rules (from what foods you can eat and how, to which shoe you put on first) wich is fine if u believe in all that stuff. And i dont anymore, so my life is a giant miserable lie, because if anyone finds out i will be kicked out of school (I go to a religious private school-i've never been to public school in my entire life) and shunned by everyone. You cant imagine how hard that is. My psychologist said that evry day of this life is traumatizing me :(
Anyway where I come from if you leave the religion, its practicly like you're dead (no seriously some families will have funerals for a child that goes off the religion) so its pretty much the worst thing you can possibly do. My mother therefore isnt taking my decision well and once she said i'm "the fulfillment of hitler's plan" which is beyond the awefullest thing you can ever tell anyone, especially where I'm from. Hitler brutally murdered 6 million Jews. My own grandmother lost her grandparents, parents, a sister, three brothers and loads of cousins in the holocaust. And while it broke me to be compared to hitler by my own mother i knew it wasnt tru-i WASNT like hitler so i got through it
But today i was watching x-men, with the concentration camp scenes and in the middle wen eric remembered lighting the menorah on chanuka and i realized my mother is right. I am doing what hitler wanted by not being Jewish anymore. It just hit me that i AM like hitler :( and i cant deal with that. I'm so messed up and i cut so much :( :( :( and i hate myself and wish i was dead. I try really hard not to think about suicide, after a few months of planning mine in the winter and then deciding it would hurt too many, but i cant stand existing :( im not gonna do it until my grandmother dies though. I could never make her lose another person she loves after losing so much

[Pancakes]

You gotta try to climb that wall if you fall try agian until you reach the other side :)

[Magenta]

Okay, first. You are NOT Hitler. He was a brilliant, smart man but he was terrible. He could have turned his intelligence and used it for something great but what he did was terrible. No one should he compared to that. I don't believe anyone CAN be truly compared to him. So you are NOT anything like Hitler.

I am not religious but I understand religion. But I also understand people to the best of my ability. I know how much this will tear you apart. But if this faith is not something you believe, you are not obliged to traumatize yourself. Your family... well, obviously you love them. Everyone does even those with the worse experiences. But if they are not accepting of a decision for your well-being and happiness, they are just your blood family. You will grow and meet people who will become the family that will help you later in life.

I know how confusing this must be for you. I can only wish for the best for you. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Suicide is not the answer and I think you know this.

If you ever need anything, please PM me.

[Iris]

I am like hitler in that I'm taking part in ending a people :( I wish so much I was one of the many blind little sheep in my community that follow evey rule without questioning, I wish I could force myself to believe in Judaism. But I don't. I know its wrong
Also I'm not trying to traumatized myself but right now I don't really have a choice..my life wud be so much worse if I got kicked out of school and wasn't able to escape to a college far far away (which is my plan right now)
Everyone always says suicide isn't the answer but it really is. I mean once youre dead there's no pain and no lies or anything. I just want to stop existing. I don't believe in heaven/hell so I wouldn't have a consciousness after I'd die. I would simply not be there anymore. That seems like a pretty good solution to me

[Magenta]

No it's not. And you are not ending a people. One person leaving or dying is equalized by another Jewish child being born. So maybe you don't believe. That's okay. It's your life. I know you have plans but do you really want to be miserable in order to get to that point? And if you commit suicide, you won't get there anyway. You need a fresh start but no one here can force you. You need to take that leap of faith and hope things work out for the better.

[Iris]

Yeah leaps of faith were never one of my strengths...and I kno I don't make much sense and it all sounds irrational or wtvr but it's really just the way I feel and I don't really know how to change that. I feel like a monster, like I don't deserve to live :(
Oh and trust me the utter misery and my depression now when I'm hiding everything is nothing compared to the horribleness of everyone knowing the truth about me. You have to remember where I live-I'm a complete embarrassment to my parents. Their dirty little secret.

[Magenta]

I do understand but sometimes we're faced with these choices and hanging in limbo is the worst part and the choice you make will be challenging but will eventually come out okay. Leaps of faith are no one's strength. I'm trying to make my own and it's so hard. But you deserve better. Remember what I said about family. They will always be yours but they have their lives and you have yours. You are not a monster.

[Iris]

You're so much more optimistic about about my future than I am... everything looks so bleak right now...