equestrianlover890
June 14th, 2011, 05:15 PM
Im gonna rant, so I'll apoligize ahead of time for this most likely over emotional next couple of paragraphs.
So I'm fucked up. Trust me I know that. If we were to list the number of pyschological problems I have, the list would most likely be quite long. And its been that way for as long as I can remember.. (thanks to my abusive childhood along with other shit that I cant even begin to get into). But it only began to get unbearable last summer. I finally just broke in two last summer. My boyfriend had broken up with me and it tore me to shreads. I began to cut, at first never very much. But of course as we all knew, it got worse. And it got deeper and more frequent. My depression, and my pain level were almost untakable last summer and through a good portion of the school year. I've been with my new boyfriend for 10 months, and he's the love of my life. He makes me feel, he makes me happy. He's my reason for existence, I would give up everything for him - just to be with him. He's truly one in a million. But of course even the best of couples have their problems. His parents who are beyond crazy, went through his phone and found out we had sex. They now hate me even more then they did before, and hanging out and or seeing each other will be at a minimal for the rest of the summer.
If I was normal, with normal reactions and normal feelings this would probably be okay. Maybe not easy, but I'd get through it. And I still will. But I just hurt, and I hurt like hell. I'm about to break again, I'm about to cut. I've been clean for probably a month. But the pain I feel inside is overwhelming. During the school year I saw my boyfriend everyday, and that was fine. It was a constant reminder that I meant something to someone - and that I would be okay. But I dont have that anymore. Yes we can talk and stuff.. but I never thought my reaction to not seeing him would be this awful. I just miss him, I have no one. No one understands and I feel like no ones cares. Honestly I just want to give up and go to rehab .. I just want this pain to stop.I feel like its eating me up, little by little. It's been over a year in a half sense sense I've felt okay. I just want to be okay...
Sorry for this rant, i just needed to vent
So I'm fucked up. Trust me I know that. If we were to list the number of pyschological problems I have, the list would most likely be quite long. And its been that way for as long as I can remember.. (thanks to my abusive childhood along with other shit that I cant even begin to get into). But it only began to get unbearable last summer. I finally just broke in two last summer. My boyfriend had broken up with me and it tore me to shreads. I began to cut, at first never very much. But of course as we all knew, it got worse. And it got deeper and more frequent. My depression, and my pain level were almost untakable last summer and through a good portion of the school year. I've been with my new boyfriend for 10 months, and he's the love of my life. He makes me feel, he makes me happy. He's my reason for existence, I would give up everything for him - just to be with him. He's truly one in a million. But of course even the best of couples have their problems. His parents who are beyond crazy, went through his phone and found out we had sex. They now hate me even more then they did before, and hanging out and or seeing each other will be at a minimal for the rest of the summer.
If I was normal, with normal reactions and normal feelings this would probably be okay. Maybe not easy, but I'd get through it. And I still will. But I just hurt, and I hurt like hell. I'm about to break again, I'm about to cut. I've been clean for probably a month. But the pain I feel inside is overwhelming. During the school year I saw my boyfriend everyday, and that was fine. It was a constant reminder that I meant something to someone - and that I would be okay. But I dont have that anymore. Yes we can talk and stuff.. but I never thought my reaction to not seeing him would be this awful. I just miss him, I have no one. No one understands and I feel like no ones cares. Honestly I just want to give up and go to rehab .. I just want this pain to stop.I feel like its eating me up, little by little. It's been over a year in a half sense sense I've felt okay. I just want to be okay...
Sorry for this rant, i just needed to vent