kidkizzet
June 12th, 2011, 06:11 PM
I haven't cut for about 7 weeks, but it feels like so much longer than that. I think part of the reason that it feels so much longer is because it wasn't really what I'd consider self harm. I didn't use what I'd usually use, and I didn't go as deep as I normally would. I didn't get the release like I normally would, and that's why it feels like so much longer. I think I hadn't cut for a while before then, at the very least a month.
Everything felt wrong last time. Maybe that is helping to stop me doing anything now. If it has to be done, it has to be done right. But it doesn't have to be done. I don't have to cut. I don't want to cut. I have urges, but I know that if I cut right now, at this very moment in time, it would feel completely wrong. Normally when I relapse, the urges are much stronger, and I only end up cutting because it's too much, where it's at the point where I can't function whatsoever. In the last few weeks there have been times where I've struggled and cutting wouldn't feel wrong, but I managed to stop myself even though the urges were strong.
Why? That's a question I keep asking myself because if I can't find a reason then I can't cut, right? It doesn't quite work that way though. I could pick up all the small things, all the insignificant details in life, anything negative that exists in the back of my brain. I could unlock that cage up there where them voices and terrible thoughts are located. If I was sure that it would lead to me cutting and getting that release then I probably already would have, but doing that is just dangerous. Cutting is too risky. All of the shit that used to constantly stay on my mind 24/7, all that shit that stopped me sleeping, absolutely everything that used to be there that is now locked away somewhere, none of it can come back. I can't unlock shit, or switch some damn switch, not just so I can cut and get the release I seem to be desperate for. No. If I cut, I create chaos. No reason that I have right now justifies me cutting. Why cut? What reasons do I have to cut? There are no justifiable reasons whatsoever.
I can't afford to cut. Too much is at stake. I know this, and I've known this for a long time, and in my mind I've had so many reasons to cut, and the only thing that's held me back is knowing that the consequences of such an action would be so damaging and create so much chaos, it could lead to a downward spiral that could potentially be nearly impossible to stop. I'm not going to risk everything just for that release that I supposedly need.
I have urges, but it doesn't matter whether I have them or not.
The bottom line is this: I cannot cut.
It doesn't get simpler than that.
Everything felt wrong last time. Maybe that is helping to stop me doing anything now. If it has to be done, it has to be done right. But it doesn't have to be done. I don't have to cut. I don't want to cut. I have urges, but I know that if I cut right now, at this very moment in time, it would feel completely wrong. Normally when I relapse, the urges are much stronger, and I only end up cutting because it's too much, where it's at the point where I can't function whatsoever. In the last few weeks there have been times where I've struggled and cutting wouldn't feel wrong, but I managed to stop myself even though the urges were strong.
Why? That's a question I keep asking myself because if I can't find a reason then I can't cut, right? It doesn't quite work that way though. I could pick up all the small things, all the insignificant details in life, anything negative that exists in the back of my brain. I could unlock that cage up there where them voices and terrible thoughts are located. If I was sure that it would lead to me cutting and getting that release then I probably already would have, but doing that is just dangerous. Cutting is too risky. All of the shit that used to constantly stay on my mind 24/7, all that shit that stopped me sleeping, absolutely everything that used to be there that is now locked away somewhere, none of it can come back. I can't unlock shit, or switch some damn switch, not just so I can cut and get the release I seem to be desperate for. No. If I cut, I create chaos. No reason that I have right now justifies me cutting. Why cut? What reasons do I have to cut? There are no justifiable reasons whatsoever.
I can't afford to cut. Too much is at stake. I know this, and I've known this for a long time, and in my mind I've had so many reasons to cut, and the only thing that's held me back is knowing that the consequences of such an action would be so damaging and create so much chaos, it could lead to a downward spiral that could potentially be nearly impossible to stop. I'm not going to risk everything just for that release that I supposedly need.
I have urges, but it doesn't matter whether I have them or not.
The bottom line is this: I cannot cut.
It doesn't get simpler than that.