Kill me.

[screamtobeheard]

So, I haven't posted on here in forever. And a lot has gone on, but I'm not going to ramble on about that. I realized I should've kept posting, and I don't know why I haven't been, but anyway.

My eating issues got better for a bit, but about three days ago it went downhill. I've started restricting a lot again. And I've set a new goal weight of 115 pounds (and I'm 6'1). I've been hardly eating and compulsively exercising. Today was my first binge since my new outburst of my ed and I can't handle it. I was going to purge, (I actually have been purging a lot) but I didn't. I'm probably going to cut soon, though. I feel the urges coming. It's awful, but I can't help it.

I've just been feeling like I want to lose more and more and more weight. And I want to stop eating, forever. And just wither away into nothing. Until there is nothing to me but bone and skin, and my legs don't come close to touching. And my stomach is concave. I know it's unhealthy and I know it's not pretty, but I want it. I don't know why. It's scaring me a little, but it's scaring me more that I want this. That I am embracing this disorder, and that I'm more comfortable with it than I am without it. I don't know what to do.

[Fiction]

I know exactly how you feel, I felt exactly the same and it is scary, and it's something you can't do alone.

My boyfriend and my friend both persuaded me to get help for my ED. I wasn't happy about it at the time, but i've realised now that it's for the best. I'm in the process of being referred to counselling. I know getting help can seem scary, but really your parents won't react that badly. Although it's worse at first, for the first few days after that it kind of gives you some kind of hope that you're getting help.

I think you should try and get help for this, you've been posting here for a while and I think you really need help.

[SWMG]

You should try to get help and get better! You can do it, never loose the faith and keep fighting :)

[screamtobeheard]

My closest friend thinks I should get help too. But the thing is, sometimes I eat normally (purge periodically, but still) even though I hate it and it makes me hate myself even more. So it just kind of makes me feel like it's not a real disorder.

[User Deleted]

I hope your eating issues get better, just keep on fighting em! :D

[Fiction]

I eat normally sometimes too. Mine comes in phases and I felt exactly the same as you. In the end I was forced to go to the doctor and my doctor basically told me I need help and that I can't fight it alone, so I guess it is real.

Disordered eating is any eating that isn't normal. Is starving and purging normal?

[Lethe]

Any reluctance to eat, or a reluctance to moderate (not restrict) eating is absolutely an eating disorder. Before you can heal, you need to come to terms with the fact that you do have a problem. Your friends and family worrying for your health is a good sign that you do have a problem as well. Take it for what it's worth!

You cannot expect to heal by yourself. You need to contact a professional, who can help you maintain a healthy diet that will bring you to a healthy weight. Eating very little is extremely dangerous and is very destructive. You will not only hurt yourself but the people who love you.

I hope that you can get the help that you need for your disorder :).

[screamtobeheard]

I hadn't really thought about it like that. I suppose it's not normal. It just doesn't feel like it's a disorder.

[Amaryllis]

I know how you feel. I weighed 50lbs once and I still wanted to lose more. It's sort of an obsession that we just can't seem to let go of. Our ED is like a drug or a cigarette, we're hooked but we CAN break it. I haven't restricted in a long, long time. Sometimes I still feel the urge to but it does get better, it gets easier to listen to ME and not that stupid voice that nearly killed me.

How much do you weigh right now? Cause if you haven't put on the weight you're supposed to, it can be pretty hard to stop it too. Beating your eating disorder is like climbing up an escalator that's going down. You just keep running and running and sometimes you're so tired you just wanna give up. Sometimes you stumble but get back up because there's nothing for you here. It's dark. You're alone. Up there is where everyone else is, it's where your family is, your friends, your LIFE. Once you read the door at the top and step it, you can let go, you're free, you can rest. But for now, keep on fighting. Skinny does not equate to happiness. I was skin and bones but I was miserable. My friends had left me and I was in so much pain, I was so tired, I couldn't do anything.

Don't let it beat you now. A stumble is a stumble. Things are in colours, they're not black and white, even black and white pictures aren't black and white, there are grays in between. Pick yourself up, keep on trying, have faith and trust and you can do anything. You are not your eating disorder.

<3 Z

[screamtobeheard]

I did put all my weight back on, and then some. Which is what makes me hate myself so much lately. I think I'm about 150 right now. I don't have a scale, and I haven't been eating much, so it may be slightly less than that. I am 6'1", but I used to weigh around 130, so I really hate this...

[Amaryllis]

You might think 150 is fat but it isn't. 130 is way too skinny for for your height. 150 is NORMAL. In fact, a few more pounds won't kill you. I'm putting on weight too. I know how it feels to hate yourself, to wish you were back to what you were before but do you really think you'll be happy if you lost weight? Would all your problems be fixed? Our bodies are amazing. Look at your hands. You wrote, held the hands of others, touched, felt, with those hands. Your body has done amazing things, sung, read, smiled, talked, it survived even when you starved it. You deserve more. I know it's hard but you can do it. Your weight does not define who you are

[Zeh Crazy]

I've always been chubby and teased for it since I was a kid. The earliest recollection of getting bullied for being overweight was when I was 6 years old from a boy in my class. The boys in my class continued to ridicule me up until I had enough of it. I was about 13, and I stopped eating. I dropped over 40 pounds, all from starving, not from exercise. I lost so much muscle. Simple tasks were difficult for me and I was always tired. People told me I looked dead. Which made me feel even uglier. My self-esteem is torn to shreds from family or people at school commenting on how overweight I am.

I avoided eating in front of people or eating in general at all costs, and sometimes I find myself doing so now. In company, the thought of food makes me want to vomit, and I have actually vomited anything I try to eat in front of people. I can't do it. The smell of food sometimes, how it looks...I hate myself when I eat, especially if I overeat. I try so hard, not eating for days. But my metabolism is so slowed down by all of the overeating and then starving. I walk around a lot more and I've tried diet pills, but they didn't work.

I gained all of my weight back, and a lot more. I recently lost 20 pounds of it, but I can't tell. Which makes me feel horrible. I wish I was skinnier like I used to be about two years ago when I was at my lowest weight. I hate the feeling of being full. The hunger pains would strengthen me somehow, make me feel good. When I could see my ribs, I felt empowered. I knew I had accomplished something. I knew I was in control of at least one part of my life...

I plan on losing more weight. I'm still classified as overweight. I miss who I was back then and I want to be that girl again.

[screamtobeheard]

You might think 150 is fat but it isn't. 130 is way too skinny for for your height. 150 is NORMAL. In fact, a few more pounds won't kill you. I'm putting on weight too. I know how it feels to hate yourself, to wish you were back to what you were before but do you really think you'll be happy if you lost weight? Would all your problems be fixed? Our bodies are amazing. Look at your hands. You wrote, held the hands of others, touched, felt, with those hands. Your body has done amazing things, sung, read, smiled, talked, it survived even when you starved it. You deserve more. I know it's hard but you can do it. Your weight does not define who you are

I know it't technically not fat. But there's just still so much fat on my body. I miss my ribs, and my hipbones. But you're right. I won't be happy once I get back down. I wasn't before. I still thought I was fat. I target any fat that's on my body and won't rest until it's gone. That's my problem. And no, it won't be fixed. You're completely right. And I know that. It's just a matter of convincing that voice inside my head to listen...

And Zeh Crazy: I'm really sorry to hear about your story. My experiences are different from yours, but I know how unpleasant that can be. I'm terribly sorry you ever had to feel like that and experience those terrible things. You're beautiful the way you are. You should never change yourself because of others.

[Amaryllis]

I'm struggling with it too. I know I'm not "technically" fat either but sometimes I just look in the mirror and I think I look so fat. Sometimes I just sit and I feel my tummy and I FEEL fat. But we're all different. Some people are just skinny. Some people are meant to be 150lbs, some are meant to be 99, some are meant to be muscular, some cutely plum, some curvy. I'm trying to see the beauty in everyone because would you look at a chubby 3 year old and tell them to go on a diet? Would you say a panda's too fat or a grasshopper's too skinny? If you just disconnect yourself from the human perception of beauty. Just stop thinking of humans as humans but as blobs, you'll see. Bacteria's all in different shapes and sizes. And so are flowers :) Who are the people that you truly admire? And what do you admire about them? Being fat doesn't make you a bad person, being fat does make you a person with no self-control who eats too much, just as being skinny doesn't make you a strong and confident person or someone who's got a lot of willpower and is hardworking. It doesn't. You can be skinny and still feel bad about yourself, you can be fat and feel like the happiest person on earth. You can be normal and miserable, wishing you were something else or you could just look at things in a different way. I am me, you are you, she's her, he's him, that's it. There are no ugly fat flowers or pretty skinny flowers. Are rosebuds skinny? Is the sun fat and ugly? Are skinny trees prettier than big, strong 100 year old trees? Is one leaf more beautiful than the other because it's slimmer? Is this bacteria older than this because it's less chubby?

I know it's hard. I'm fighting it too. But you are the master of your life. You CHOOSE.

[screamtobeheard]

That's such a beautiful way to put it. I need to be able to think that way. Thank you so much.

[Amaryllis]

You're welcome. Feel free to PM whenever, okay? :) I'm here for you