PoisonedRazorBlades
June 10th, 2011, 08:12 PM
This is mainly taken from my blog update since I can't be bothered typing out the same problem, so it may be a bit scattered:
My main issue is that I have this...I don't even know. It's not love. Infatuation? Whatever. I have intensely strong feelings about this guy I know, Callum. I've had these feelings for about two years and have sought out advice on this site. The problem then was that he had a girlfriend, and was my boyfriend's friend. The problem now is that despite that fact that he still has a girlfriend, but he now also has a son, who is a week old. I thought that I was moving on. I hadn't thought about him in ages and whenever he would try to flirt with me I just got annoyed at him instead of happy and flustered like before. These were all good signs as far as I knew and I thought that maybe I was moving on. However, I saw him in person today for the first time in months. He was with a few of his friends and was rocking a baby pram. His baby's. When I first saw him, I wasn't even sure if it was him from the distance I was from him, but something in me screamed that it was. I suddenly found it hard to breathe and I even faltered in my step. I know how cliché that sounds, and I hate it because its true. My heart skips beats and then pounds against my ribs in a desperate attempt to break through them when I see him and I felt like my lungs had simply given up on me and just stopped working. Everything that my two friends had been talking about seemed to fade into the background until it became a low buzzing. And now, hours later, I keep replaying it over in my head, and I regret that I didn't talk to him. I keep picturing me going up to him, engaging him in some excellent conversation or just grabbing him and kissing him there and then. It's not healthy and it kills me. I adore him and there is nothing I can do about these feelings. They are destroying me and I'm trapped in them. I'm drowning in them and there is times - moments of utter weakness - in which I enjoy the suffocation of them. Times where I ask myself "What's the worst that could happen if you submitted to him?" or times where I tell myself that I will only live once and that I should seize the moment and enjoy my life while I have it. Live it with no regrets, "Don't regret the things you've done, regret the things you haven't done" and what I haven't done is been with him. I can lose myself in his company and in his voice. I could be content in just staring at him for hours. But I can't. I have to watch from the background as he loves another girl, and this other girl gets to have the things I long for. I can only watch as their bond grows with the birth of a son.
I don't know how I can cope with this. I've tried to avoid him, but I usually just think about him more. I've tried to talk to him a lot as friends, and I always want him more. I've tried just talking when he talks to me. Nothing works and time doesn't seem to help. Reality hurts too much, its like my heart is being torn from my chest, but I can't live in denial or in some fantasy that will never come true. I'm living in a dream as it is, and I just feel so lost without him, despite never actually having him to call my own.
My main issue is that I have this...I don't even know. It's not love. Infatuation? Whatever. I have intensely strong feelings about this guy I know, Callum. I've had these feelings for about two years and have sought out advice on this site. The problem then was that he had a girlfriend, and was my boyfriend's friend. The problem now is that despite that fact that he still has a girlfriend, but he now also has a son, who is a week old. I thought that I was moving on. I hadn't thought about him in ages and whenever he would try to flirt with me I just got annoyed at him instead of happy and flustered like before. These were all good signs as far as I knew and I thought that maybe I was moving on. However, I saw him in person today for the first time in months. He was with a few of his friends and was rocking a baby pram. His baby's. When I first saw him, I wasn't even sure if it was him from the distance I was from him, but something in me screamed that it was. I suddenly found it hard to breathe and I even faltered in my step. I know how cliché that sounds, and I hate it because its true. My heart skips beats and then pounds against my ribs in a desperate attempt to break through them when I see him and I felt like my lungs had simply given up on me and just stopped working. Everything that my two friends had been talking about seemed to fade into the background until it became a low buzzing. And now, hours later, I keep replaying it over in my head, and I regret that I didn't talk to him. I keep picturing me going up to him, engaging him in some excellent conversation or just grabbing him and kissing him there and then. It's not healthy and it kills me. I adore him and there is nothing I can do about these feelings. They are destroying me and I'm trapped in them. I'm drowning in them and there is times - moments of utter weakness - in which I enjoy the suffocation of them. Times where I ask myself "What's the worst that could happen if you submitted to him?" or times where I tell myself that I will only live once and that I should seize the moment and enjoy my life while I have it. Live it with no regrets, "Don't regret the things you've done, regret the things you haven't done" and what I haven't done is been with him. I can lose myself in his company and in his voice. I could be content in just staring at him for hours. But I can't. I have to watch from the background as he loves another girl, and this other girl gets to have the things I long for. I can only watch as their bond grows with the birth of a son.
I don't know how I can cope with this. I've tried to avoid him, but I usually just think about him more. I've tried to talk to him a lot as friends, and I always want him more. I've tried just talking when he talks to me. Nothing works and time doesn't seem to help. Reality hurts too much, its like my heart is being torn from my chest, but I can't live in denial or in some fantasy that will never come true. I'm living in a dream as it is, and I just feel so lost without him, despite never actually having him to call my own.