Magenta
June 9th, 2011, 04:47 PM
Today I had another therapist appointment. I told him clearly how I felt about being there. I told him that my first therapist, I talked in circles until she was completely tricked that I was fine. I told him how talking only helped me so much and no matter what he taught me, I wasn't going to take it into the real world because I don't like being instructed, I find out for myself. That's just how I am. Sometimes it gets me into trouble but I'd prefer that to never knowing the consequences...
But that's not the point.
I hate being forced to therapy. Last October, I asked my dad to find me a therapist and I went four or five times. It just wasn't for me and I stopped going. My parents were furious. They've held it over my head since (even my step-mum, saying I'd never get any better because I kept refusing therapy). I've seen four therapists and I just can't see myself gaining anything. I've stayed with several of them for awhile and that never changed even though I kept an open mind. I told my new one this and he understands- this type of therapy just isn't for some people.
My parents, however, are insistent. They try to dictate my "recovery". I'm being good and seeing my psychiatrist because I actually want to see her and am okay with that. But I'm not ready to see a therapist... it's not even being ready, I've just got nothing out of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want some "quick fix" and I know anything takes time and refusing therapist after therapist doesn't give me that time but I hate being forced to get help I don't want. My current therapist understands that.
I know people are going to say "give him a chance" or "keep trying until you find someone who clicks with you" but that's the thing- I don't want to. When I do, I want it to be on my own terms, not forced upon me. Put away your better judgement for a bit because I know you guys understand what I'm saying. :P
All my parents are doing is wasting their money, my time and being counterproductive. They say I'm being "resistant" and "hostile" and that they only want me to get better. Thing is, they're not letting me get better. They're trying to make things better for themselves by believing this is the best for me and it will solve things. It won't. Actually, it's making things worse. I don't feel I can talk to my parents and that they won't listen to me. I asked my dad today "Do I have any say in this at this point?" and his response was "Not at all". That's not fair. It's my life, my issues, not theirs. I get that they're trying to help but throwing me at therapist after therapist won't change a thing.
I know I could be totally honest with the therapist and I was told it might "get me out of there faster". My parents don't want me to get out of there. They want me to ALWAYS have someone to talk to. This is meant to be basically a long-term thing until I'm old enough to override what they say. That's NOT going to happen. There are certain things I'm not comfortable talking about even with a therapist like my last one whom I got to know very well and loved. I left because it seemed like we were basically only discussing the weather and politics and it didn't really matter.
I'm so frustrated. I had to hang up on my dad earlier because he was getting mad at me for telling him how I felt and I was about to start crying in the middle of the street. My therapist, Loren, said he'd phone my parents. It makes me feel terrible that they won't even listen to me, that Loren has to speak for me. That his word has more weight than their own daughter.
I don't know... I'm just ranting, I suppose. Heck, I'd rather be hospitalized for a third time than see this therapist. Obviously I don't really want that and it's not going to happen but at least at the hospital, I didn't have to talk. They knew I was uncomfortable expressing my feelings verbally and respected that. What else am I supposed to do in therapy? I suppose I could write a journal but we're not going to stare at each other for the rest of the time (and PLEASE don't tell me that we could work on my issue of not liking to talk).
I just don't want to go at all and I should have some say. I'm old enough to make most of my own decisions and it's not like I'm some major threat to myself even when I'm at my worst. I'm not irrational or erratic when discussing this 99% of the time. I don't know what my parents' problem is. Let me recover, don't dictate for me how I should get better.
/rant over.
But that's not the point.
I hate being forced to therapy. Last October, I asked my dad to find me a therapist and I went four or five times. It just wasn't for me and I stopped going. My parents were furious. They've held it over my head since (even my step-mum, saying I'd never get any better because I kept refusing therapy). I've seen four therapists and I just can't see myself gaining anything. I've stayed with several of them for awhile and that never changed even though I kept an open mind. I told my new one this and he understands- this type of therapy just isn't for some people.
My parents, however, are insistent. They try to dictate my "recovery". I'm being good and seeing my psychiatrist because I actually want to see her and am okay with that. But I'm not ready to see a therapist... it's not even being ready, I've just got nothing out of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want some "quick fix" and I know anything takes time and refusing therapist after therapist doesn't give me that time but I hate being forced to get help I don't want. My current therapist understands that.
I know people are going to say "give him a chance" or "keep trying until you find someone who clicks with you" but that's the thing- I don't want to. When I do, I want it to be on my own terms, not forced upon me. Put away your better judgement for a bit because I know you guys understand what I'm saying. :P
All my parents are doing is wasting their money, my time and being counterproductive. They say I'm being "resistant" and "hostile" and that they only want me to get better. Thing is, they're not letting me get better. They're trying to make things better for themselves by believing this is the best for me and it will solve things. It won't. Actually, it's making things worse. I don't feel I can talk to my parents and that they won't listen to me. I asked my dad today "Do I have any say in this at this point?" and his response was "Not at all". That's not fair. It's my life, my issues, not theirs. I get that they're trying to help but throwing me at therapist after therapist won't change a thing.
I know I could be totally honest with the therapist and I was told it might "get me out of there faster". My parents don't want me to get out of there. They want me to ALWAYS have someone to talk to. This is meant to be basically a long-term thing until I'm old enough to override what they say. That's NOT going to happen. There are certain things I'm not comfortable talking about even with a therapist like my last one whom I got to know very well and loved. I left because it seemed like we were basically only discussing the weather and politics and it didn't really matter.
I'm so frustrated. I had to hang up on my dad earlier because he was getting mad at me for telling him how I felt and I was about to start crying in the middle of the street. My therapist, Loren, said he'd phone my parents. It makes me feel terrible that they won't even listen to me, that Loren has to speak for me. That his word has more weight than their own daughter.
I don't know... I'm just ranting, I suppose. Heck, I'd rather be hospitalized for a third time than see this therapist. Obviously I don't really want that and it's not going to happen but at least at the hospital, I didn't have to talk. They knew I was uncomfortable expressing my feelings verbally and respected that. What else am I supposed to do in therapy? I suppose I could write a journal but we're not going to stare at each other for the rest of the time (and PLEASE don't tell me that we could work on my issue of not liking to talk).
I just don't want to go at all and I should have some say. I'm old enough to make most of my own decisions and it's not like I'm some major threat to myself even when I'm at my worst. I'm not irrational or erratic when discussing this 99% of the time. I don't know what my parents' problem is. Let me recover, don't dictate for me how I should get better.
/rant over.