This isn't living... I'm just dying slowly.

[Magenta]

Everything is just a motion. I move through the day like it's just something that's happening. I get up, I go to school and get good grades, I come home, I pretend that everything I'm doing is actually worth something. I pretend that I'll get into university and become someone people can be proud of. I pretend I'm normal. I laugh when things are funny and frown when things are sad. When I come home... I'm just here.

I lurk around this website, post, hope for some confirmation from others... yet I don't know if I just don't believe what I'm told or I am not processing it.

More than once today, I've considered going and taking a few too many pills. I've considered cutting but even the pain doesn't feel real anymore. It's someone else holding the knife- another motion.

Over the years I've been sinking... and nothing is pulling me back up. I've had my unnatural highs where everything in the world is right and perfect and wonderful but they are few and far between.

As usual, I want to end it but can't even move to get the pills or the knife.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed all my friends away... or hurt the ones I still did have so that they won't talk to me anymore even though I try to apologize and make things right... maybe I shouldn't have lost others. All of this is my fault.

I stress my mother out while she goes to her own therapy, takes her own meds, has her own surgeries. I spent my whole life revolving the world around myself and even when I try not to now, I fail. I try to remove myself from the world and fail.

I upset my dad until he kicked me out. Enough said. My stepmother thought it was unhealthy for her kids to be around me. My sister says this is simply something I can get over if I stop making things worse for myself.

I scare friends because I'm slowly self-destructing behind self-harm and an eating disorder. I scare friends because I'm as unstable as nuclear waste. I'm socially inept, always say the wrong things, embarrass people and hurt them. I'm of no help to anyone else and a waste of miserable space. Meanwhile, kids are dying of cancer and I'm still here. If there was a God, why the hell would He do that? Why would He kill some wonderful, innocent child and leave me alive to ruin everything?

Why would He just subject me to being a disgrace to everyone when I finally one day get the courage to kill myself and just solve everyone's problems? "You have so much to live for and should be grateful you have a chance at life!" No. He made a mistake. If He were so all-knowing and planned for me to turn out this way and take my own life, why waste the space and just embarrass all my friends and family with my existence and eventual demise?

I'm not even fucking religious.
/rant.

[NED081]

it will be fine, this is just a tough time in your life and you will get through it. please stop cutting though, that doesn't solve anything and you're only further harming yourself. if you haven't already, talk to your parents, GP, someone you trust at school, or a doctor. it will get better, just try to stay happy, do things you enjoy, and stay healthy.

[Nicci]

I've felt that way, and still do sometimes. The only thing so far that I find that helps is opening up to people-even of it's random like on the internet. And to know that others also go through similar feelings and thoughts. It is important to know that you are not alone.

[boonsim]

Minus self-harm, I have felt like my life was monotonous nothing from time to time. I usually spend my whole day in front of the computer, but doing productive stuff really made me feel better. A lack of variety in one's life will make them feel like this.