I don't want to eat.

[FullyAlive]

I'm not really sure what this is for to be honest but I know somethings wrong. I started restricting again probably around Christmas time. I skip breakfast, usually lunch, then have to eat dinner. The max I let myself eat each day is probably 800 calories. But then I also end with binges, I usually purge after in an attempt not to have the calories. Anyway recently I wasn't losing anything at all presumably because my body was in "starvation mode". But almost a week ago, I ate like a "normal person", 1700 calories and idk but apparently this could have started my metabolism again because I've lost weight, quite a bit considering I haven't lost any for a while so I'm quite happy.

But since this "binge" day I eat even less, 500 calories is an achievement and i haven't binged yet either. I planned on not eating for the next three days then having a "binge" day and not eating again. I'm positive it'll work. Except my mum told me if I don't eat all day I can't skip dinner. So i had to eat half approximately 300 calories. I know this isn't a lot but I hate it I feel horrible. I came upstairs and cried afterwards. Cried because i had to eat that. I feel sick. I don't want to eat. I was being so good 21 hours without anything but that's all fucked up now.

I know I can get away with only eating 200-300 calories tomorrow and the next day too but that wasn't what I wanted I was aiming for 0 calories. Then with exercise I'd be in minus figures. But now it's messed up. I don't want to eat.

Sorry this was more a pointless rant than anything in particular :/

[Love.Hate]

louise this isnt healthy, and you know it isnt. The binges make you feel awful.. You dont need to do this. Why dont you eat consistantly to avoid these binges.. because non stop eating then not eating is confusing your metabolism.. so it will slow right down.

Im glad your mum is making you eat, you need food to survive. How are you going to get through your exams with no energy? Come on Louise.. try to eat a bit more.. it will increase your energy levels and therefore it will lead you to feeling more positive.

:hug:

[FullyAlive]

I haven't binged in a while now excepting that one day and that wasnt a binge for most people just me. That's the point though binging apparently starts it again. I can't help it if I confuse my metabolism I lose weight.

I hadn't lost anything for ages even though I was restricting to 800 a day. And now I'm losing again I can't stop. Today I've eaten nothing, I know it's not good, being hungry and hungover in my exams today really didn't help but it doesn't mean I want to eat. I can't do it Fran. I'm sorry. Today my max is 300 I'm pretty sure I can do it too.

[Love.Hate]

Well im glad your at least eating something.. but after a while this will take its toll on your body and you will become so tired. You know this isnt healthy.. and its becoming a really really bad obsession. Maybe you should go get help for this? I will probably see you there :P

300 should be a bare minimum not maximum.

[FullyAlive]

Im fine it's not as if it's unhealthy. I don't care what toll it takes if I'm losing weight I should be happy. I don't need help.

But I ate over 300 it was 400, I couldn't bare knowing I'd eaten 300, 400 makes me hate myself that bit more. I feel horrible now.

But I lost over 4lbs in a day today that's the most I've ever lost in a day, it's usually only one or two pounds. I didn't think I could lose 4 but I've checked and checked. This should make me happy but I still feel like I need to eat less. :/

[Love.Hate]

because its becoming an obsession. The positive is when you read those scales, you realise you have lost weight.. the high after that.

But its destroying your body.. your metabolism will be incredibly slow..

You really need to be careful. You do need help.. deep down inside you know you do, but you cant bring yourself to say "i have an eating disorder" because your scared. You dont want someone to stop this cycle now its in full swing.. you want to loose more and more weight.. then worry about it then. Its not going to stop unless you make it stop.

Your beautiful Louise, and i honestly mean that. You dont need this.

[FullyAlive]

You really need to be careful. You do need help.. deep down inside you know you do, but you cant bring yourself to say "i have an eating disorder" because your scared. You dont want someone to stop this cycle now its in full swing.. you want to loose more and more weight.. then worry about it then. Its not going to stop unless you make it stop.

It's not an eating disorder, it can't be, it's a habit be it a bad one. If I really needed to I'm sure I could stop, but I don't want to that's why I can't stop. No other reason.

Your beautiful Louise, and i honestly mean that. You dont need this.

I'm not and I won't be unless I lose more. I need to Fran, I really need to.

[Love.Hate]

you really dont, i promise you.
Fine its "disordered eating", we both know your not going to stop.
I said that about self harm.. now look at me i cant stop. Please be careful <3

[FullyAlive]

I thought that about self harm too. But this is different it's not an addiction I won't let it control me. I'll be fine, I promise. <3

[Love.Hate]

Well dont let it control you, make sure your still controlling it. <3