Numb... I guess

[Fiction]

I have a feeling this is going to be more of a rant than anything so i'm sorry.

I don't even really know what i'm feeling anymore. I feel numb, empty I guess, but not like i've felt numb before. Before when I was numb i'd cut to make it go away but I don't even seem to want to do that anymore. I try to do it but the release isn't the same as it once was... I can't get from it what I used to get and it's bothering me, because I need something. I just don't know what.

I have no motivation anymore. I've hardly revised for any of my exams, it's like I don't even care anymore.

I've stopped sleeping again. I used to be really bad at sleeping, i'd lie awake for horus before I slept but i kind of solved this by not going to bed until 1 or 2am. Now I can stay up until 3 or 4am, and still not avoid lying awake for hours and I have no idea why. This started about a week ago, the same time as my weird moods. People have noticed the weird moods though. That i'm not acting how I usually do, but I can't work out whether lack of sleep is causing the mood, or the mood is causing the lack of sleep.

I don't feel nearly as bad as I have in the past and I guess within that I feel slightly lost. Especially because things going on around me I feel like they should be bringing me down, and they're not. Although they are... slightly. I don't know that makes no sense. I feel detatched from everything but the fact that I know I should be upset is making me feel somewhat... upset. It's hard to explain.

My suicidal thoughts have been back but I don't really want to do it. I feel like I need to do it. I know I won't, because I know that it isn't worth it and there's people i need to stay for but it's just such a weird feeling. I feel like I need to do it to end this, and I don't know, stop it. It's like by making myself think of suicide I can bring myself back out of this weird feeling. I feel lost in this because I have no idea what this emotion is. I feel so distant and detatched from everyone and everything.

I don't know i'm confused. I'm losing it...I can't feel anything, and I can't even use cutting anymore to make it go away.

[FullyAlive]

Kathy, :hug:

I don't really know what to say, but it's good that cutting isn't giving you the release anymore maybe urges will be easier, if you keep telling yourself it doesn't help anyway maybe you can ignore the urges better.

The sleeping, well I don't know how you are with your mum at the moment but tell her, being a doctor and all maybe she'll know something you can do? Or could you do something really exhausting before sleeping, tire your body out so much it has to sleep?

I don't really know what else to say which could help :/

Love you :hug3:

[Fiction]

It doesn't make the urges easier, just means I can't make them go away :/

I've tried talking to my mum before about not being able to sleep, her theories always involve it being my fault. ¬¬ Last time we talked about it she asked if I was on drugs...

Love you too :hug:

[FullyAlive]

Ah, do you think there is anything else (safe) which could work?

Some of the things your mum says worry me :P
Try again? Or maybe it's your diet, do you drink excessive caffeine? Does all your tea have caffeine in it?
Or maybe it's the stress, exams and everything else you've got going on, do you feel particularly stressed? So you edited and kind of answered that with the you feel nothing.
I'm sorry I just really don't know, although I'm always here kay?

And the going back to counseling I know it's for a different thing but it could help? :/

[Fiction]

Nope I can't which is the problem :P

Yes all my tea does have caffiene :P But i've managed to sleep before drinking this amount of caffiene! I'm practically immune to it anyway.

I'm not stressed about exams at all because well... I just don't care any more :|

[FullyAlive]

:hug:

I don't know not caring isn't good, but I don't what you can do to change that. I'm sorry. I wish I could help.

[Love.Hate]

:cuddle:

Kathy, the thoughts will always be in the back of your mind unless you get yourself out of this mood. If that makes any sense..? I think it could be cause by your lack of sleep.

Have you thought about sleeping tablets? I know they are pretty drastic ways of getting to sleep.. but i used them for about two weeks.. then i stopped taking them and my sleeping patterns got back to normal- ish.

I wish i was stessed about my exams too.. but i have lost all interest.. i think it could be to do with not liking the subjects.. or just loosing the interest i once had. Im sure when you go to sixth form/college your interest will come back because your studying less so.. its less stress? Im not sure, thats what i have convinced myself anyway.

I hope things get better, dont act upon your suicidal thoughts.. remember they are thoughts and you can change them.

Take care lovely :heart:

[Fiction]

Thanks Fran :hug:

I've tried asking my mum for them before but I know what she's like, she'd think I was trying to kill myself with them or something. I've asked before. Not sure if I can buy them myself though?

I guess. I'm hoping after a long summer holiday i'll be my old self again and have more interest. A new start might help with that too...

[Love.Hate]

I think you can buy them when your 16.. which isnt long for you now as your a june baby i think :P

Your mum is just being overly protective, as mums do. Maybe just sit her down and talk about it?

Yeah new start, nice long holiday. Just what you need :)

[Fiction]

Yes I am a June baby :P

Thanks Fran :hug:

[Love.Hate]

June babies are the best.. Just saying ;)

I hope you feel better soon :hug: