Please Help Me Get My Thoughts Straight

[Jawbreaker]

Hello, before I begin this thread I want to just say that this will be a long post. That out of the way, let me just begin by giving some background information about myself:

I'm 17 years old. Until 3 weeks ago (or thereabout) I thought of myself as a heterosexual with some inclination to the other sex. Honestly, this didn't really bother me since phrases like "everyone is a little gay" were going about. Sure, I liked a guy or two, but that was just a phase, a little lapse in my sexuality, right?

Well, that changed completely after I had this dream. But before I get into that, I had, for two years or so, found this guy (I was a junior when I met him, he was a sophomore) extremely attractive. At first my thoughts were only about how handsome (and beautiful and...well you get the idea) he was. After a while, it began getting more and more vivid. Suddenly I wanted to kiss him. Then I wanted him to embrace me. This kind of continued until I wound up realizing...I wouldn't mind giving him a blowjob.

I began discussing this development with a homosexual friend of mine. At this point in time, I was still in the "I am a heterosexual; penises MUST be yucky" phase and I neglected to tell him the last part. He laughed at the suggestion that I was bisexual. After all it was one guy and I merely liked him. Admiring one person of the oppostie sex wasn't that much, right?

There have been other incidents. One time in particular, I saw this guy I really liked in a restroom and had this nearly uncontrollable urge to try and seduce him. It seriously freaked me out. But as I began to question whether I was gay, I went outside and this cute girl was waiting for her mom. I did a double-take.

Still, after my friend had laughed at the idea of me being bisexual, I took the thought out of my mind. Yet...

Okay, so back to that dream I mentioned earlier. Without getting too graphic, the dream pretty much made me aware that I found the idea of getting "pegged" by a girl to be attractive. In fact, female dominance during intercourse (not BDSM stuff, mind you) was pretty attractive to me. I guess admitting to myself this made it easier to accept the fact that hey...I wouldn't mind having anal (receiving, for those wondering) with the sophomore guy I liked (okay, he is a junior now. w/e).

This time, I let my mind go wild without restriction. What I found surprised me. I want to cuddle with him. I want him to touch me gently. Etc, etc. After discussing this with another friend of mine, I--somewhat reluctantly--came to the conclusion that I'm bisexual. Honestly, so far I've been pretty comfortable with the label. A number of experiences make so much more sense now.

However...I still have so much doubt about what my sexuality is. For example, as much as I thought I liked girls, the moment I began to let myself fantasize about men--and even began to watch gay porn--I've been losing a lot of interest in them. It's really surprising to me, even if it isn't without precedent. For example, one time I thought I had a serious crush on a girl friend of mine until I realized I found her very "feminine" physique to be a turn off. Oh, and I completely dislike vaginas. I find them very appalling and it has been a long-running fear of mine that if I ever do have sex with a woman, I wont be able to because of my dislike of the vagina...

On the other hand, I can't say I feel quite so comfortable with males. For the most part, I just like few guys and don't severely think about them or going far with them unless they are REALLY REALLY good looking. Of course, even this simple perception is challenged as today, during a car trip with all guys...I was pretty turned on by a few, even if they don't quite meet my specifications.

All in all, I am not sure whether I'm forcing my like of guys (I've been focusing more on them lately, mostly out of curioisty to see how I really perceive the same sex), if I'm just homosexual (I doubt it. A look at heterosexual and lesbian porn is keeping me sane about my previous love of women) or if my dislike of women only stems from what I see in porn, which is forced dominance (as implied earlier, I prefer to see some female dominance), a lot of superficiality, no focus on emotions (a big part of my sexuality) and big breasts (which, most of the time, I don't like). I don't know and I feel sick thinking about it. I keep hearing that it's good to experiment but I have no idea how to even go about this. I mean seriously, how does that even work? Ask around to see if someone is willing to see how much I like males/females? (I hope this part isn't against the rules...!)

I may also be disillusioned about my lack of success with the opposite sex. I've been rejected 8 times. Not once has anyone ever said yes to a date. I stutter when talking to girls I like. Worst of all, I tried befriending this girl (and had even planned to ask her out or something) but, after spending a lunch together (during the most part, I had to force myself into the convo) she completely ignored me later. Then, later, I see her being a good friend with another male friend of mine...after talking to him for just a week! I felt like such a loser and maybe this feeling of betrayal by her (justified or not...) may be affecting my current sexuality....

That's not all that's been bothering me. I have done some research into female sexuality and well--a lot of what females seem to like and enjoy is what I like and enjoy too. I mean, don't get me wrong, thinking about penetration is a turn-on (though not as much as before...why is that?) but I love the idea of having someone there to protect me, to share my emotions with, and I really do think I view post-sex and the emotions involved to be the best parts about sex. I love thinking about penetration and some submission to a "stronger" partner. Okay....so...assuming I do go about and I find a girl I think I can have a relationship with...how am I supposed to explain all that to her? That I have a different sexuality than what she probably expects...

It seems pretty embarrassing to a degree. I mean...I would be asking her to take what is commonly perceived as some masculine roles. I'm also afraid that some of the things I want (namely, tattoos for girls, like hummingbirds, dragonflies, even flowers; cute shoes; and a necklace for "women) are not exactly "manly." I mean...I guess I'm just dead afraid that if I show some aspects of myself, women won't want to date me.

I suppose that, seeing how long my post is already, I may as well add that I have started a kind of relationship with a girl I met online. We've hit it off well and we both admit that we have a real strong attraction. We're going to different colleges and honestly, I have no idea how she (the girl of my dreams) and I can have a good relationship. I'm even more scared of loosing her if I tell her about this--ah--more feminine side of me. I mean, I never really let on since I myself was denying it. I already told her I was bisexual and she didn't mind but this feels different...

Anyway, thank you for reading this and to recap the points that I need help on:

1. Would you really consider me bisexual? Is liking a few guys here or there enough?
2. Am I forcing the same-sex upon myself?
3. What to make of my sudden lack of interest on the opposite sex?
4. How to go about explaining my sexuality to a potential partner?
5. What to do about my current "relationship"?

Thanks a lot, any suggestions kindly appreciated!

[Quick_Sylver]

1. Its highly possible you're bisexual. Many bisexuals vary on which sex is more attractive, and most of the time its a sliding scale of which is MORE attractive... Females or males.
2. Most likely. Back off of liking ANYONE on purpose. Just let go of that "want" to be attracted to something.
3. You could be entering a platonic stage of attraction to them. It happens.
4. Tell them in the beginning you're not a 100% and use a lot of maybes.
5. Open up communication channels and be honest that you're curious.

I'd "label" you bisexual curious. Most women go for the feminine men nowadays honestly. Ever hear the saying; "A real man doesn't go around fighting his woman's battles, she fights his"? This is kinda what you're looking for. You want a naturally dominant woman who's not afraid that you want to be feminine. Its alright. All of it is natural and specific to what YOU personally are attracted to.

[Jawbreaker]

1. Its highly possible you're bisexual. Many bisexuals vary on which sex is more attractive, and most of the time its a sliding scale of which is MORE attractive... Females or males.
2. Most likely. Back off of liking ANYONE on purpose. Just let go of that "want" to be attracted to something.
3. You could be entering a platonic stage of attraction to them. It happens.
4. Tell them in the beginning you're not a 100% and use a lot of maybes.
5. Open up communication channels and be honest that you're curious.

I'd "label" you bisexual curious. Most women go for the feminine men nowadays honestly. Ever hear the saying; "A real man doesn't go around fighting his woman's battles, she fights his"? This is kinda what you're looking for. You want a naturally dominant woman who's not afraid that you want to be feminine. Its alright. All of it is natural and specific to what YOU personally are attracted to.

I just realized...I overstated how "feminine" my sexuality is. I find the idea of protecting and being there for a female partner to be one of the greatest joys in life. I'm not sure if you've read Morrison's book Beloved, but if you have, when Paul D holds Sethe's breasts, symbolically relieving her from her troubles and emotional burdens, but also physically a sensual act, was one of the things that has made me look forward to an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. So, all in all, I really am all over the place with sexuality.

That aside, thank you so much for your input. I didn't know you could flip-flop from which sex you find more attractive, so that puts my mind more at ease. It's been rather uncomfortable not knowing what exactly was going on, though I'm definitely identifying with a lot of stuff I read on bisexuality...And huh. A platonic stage with the opposite sex. That's interesting, never considered it.

Feeling much more at ease already :)

[Quick_Sylver]

I just realized...I overstated how "feminine" my sexuality is. I find the idea of protecting and being there for a female partner to be one of the greatest joys in life. I'm not sure if you've read Morrison's book Beloved, but if you have, when Paul D holds Sethe's breasts, symbolically relieving her from her troubles and emotional burdens, but also physically a sensual act, was one of the things that has made me look forward to an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. So, all in all, I really am all over the place with sexuality.

That aside, thank you so much for your input. I didn't know you could flip-flop from which sex you find more attractive, so that puts my mind more at ease. It's been rather uncomfortable not knowing what exactly was going on, though I'm definitely identifying with a lot of stuff I read on bisexuality...And huh. A platonic stage with the opposite sex. That's interesting, never considered it.

Feeling much more at ease already :)

Woot! :D

When it comes to flipping from dominant to submissive[Not just used in BDSM!] in a relationship, that label is called "versatile" and it means you'll switch between being on the bottom to being on the top very easily. You're pretty "normal" when it comes to alternating between the roles. If you want a woman to take a more dominant role, ask her about it and talk about it. I can't emphasize that enough. Talk.

[Jawbreaker]

Hah, thanks again. I'll just have to overcome my shyness and talk to a girl about it then. Also feels good to know it's normal wanting to alternate between roles. Thanks for your time and effort, I can't thank you enough :D

[Mewp]

First, I want to congratulate you on an articulate, interesting and complete post: good to see >:D

1. Would you really consider me bisexual? Is liking a few guys here or there enough?

I'd guess you're bi-sexual. You seem to honestly be both emotionally and attracted to other men; don't stress about it.

2. Am I forcing the same-sex upon myself?

It seems that way to me; personally, I considered myself for quite some time, before coming to the conclusion I simply prefer being sexually and emotionally involved with other men. I mean, I see the odd cute girl and the like; but a given a choice... I label myself as gay for the sake of simplicity; when you're bi-sexual, people are always asking so many damn questions.

3. What to make of my sudden lack of interest on the opposite sex?

I got this too, after being happily hetrosexual until the age of 17. Don't worry too much, honestly. I'd encourage some good, old fashioned physical experimentation; you'll soon work out what you dis/like: some stuff is better in fantasy than reality.

4. How to go about explaining my sexuality to a potential partner?

There's no real need too, honestly. I'd stick with a simple 'bi-sexual' if you feel it's absolutely necessary to do so.

5. What to do about my current "relationship"?

I'd say long distance is pretty impossible unless you're heavily involved prior to the split.

Also:

I'm also afraid that some of the things I want (namely, tattoos for girls, like hummingbirds, dragonflies, even flowers; cute shoes; and a necklace for "women) are not exactly "manly." I mean...I guess I'm just dead afraid that if I show some aspects of myself, women won't want to date me

I like all those things too; but with the rise in metrosexuality (cockteases >_>), none of those aspect are too remarkable. As someone who has a navel piercing (among others), butterfly tattoos, necklaces and rings and dresses in virulent shades of colours (up to and including 3 pairs of purple jeans), I don't get called out in the street or the like. In fact, most people are really surprised when I tell them.

[Jawbreaker]

First, I want to congratulate you on an articulate, interesting and complete post: good to see >:D

1. Would you really consider me bisexual? Is liking a few guys here or there enough?

I'd guess you're bi-sexual. You seem to honestly be both emotionally and attracted to other men; don't stress about it.

2. Am I forcing the same-sex upon myself?

It seems that way to me; personally, I considered myself for quite some time, before coming to the conclusion I simply prefer being sexually and emotionally involved with other men. I mean, I see the odd cute girl and the like; but a given a choice... I label myself as gay for the sake of simplicity; when you're bi-sexual, people are always asking so many damn questions.

3. What to make of my sudden lack of interest on the opposite sex?

I got this too, after being happily hetrosexual until the age of 17. Don't worry too much, honestly. I'd encourage some good, old fashioned physical experimentation; you'll soon work out what you dis/like: some stuff is better in fantasy than reality.

4. How to go about explaining my sexuality to a potential partner?

There's no real need too, honestly. I'd stick with a simple 'bi-sexual' if you feel it's absolutely necessary to do so.

5. What to do about my current "relationship"?

I'd say long distance is pretty impossible unless you're heavily involved prior to the split.

Also:



I like all those things too; but with the rise in metrosexuality (cockteases >_>), none of those aspect are too remarkable. As someone who has a navel piercing (among others), butterfly tattoos, necklaces and rings and dresses in virulent shades of colours (up to and including 3 pairs of purple jeans), I don't get called out in the street or the like. In fact, most people are really surprised when I tell them.

Can I ask how you suddenly lost interest in the opposite sex and came to stop labeling yourself as heterosexual? I'm just interested since I really haven't heard of that happening.

Thanks for the advice on the things to wear too. Makes me more comfortable in getting them since they're just things I enjoy a lot.

-------

After considering the responses I got, which really did help clear my mind, and thinking about this, I think that a lot of the reasons behind my lack of interest in the other sex is because I was trying to force heterosexuality upon myself.

Fear of admitting that I didn't like women as much as everyone else let on (you know, how a lot of males talk about "hot" women) just led to a drive to be attracted to females out of insecurity. Now that I don't have that, I'm much more honest about what I really like, and it certainly may be that I am entering a platonic phase with the opposite sex.

I'm not sure if I'll go about experimenting. After all, I still have this girl that I want to start a relationship with and it feels like cheating to be experimenting with people when I already want to be with her. I'll also tell her about the other aspects of my sexuality and just hope for the best. I hope she understands.

Still, I feel so much more at ease now knowing other people have gone through this and reading what other people have to say about it.

Thanks again for the responses!

[AllThatYouDreamed]

TBH you strike me as bi, and really not "OK" with it. Like Sylver said, stop forcing attraction. It's pointless to try to make yourself into anyone - gender nonwithstanding.
But this comes down to "no one can tell you your sexuality, you need to figure it out for yourself"

[Parlement]

1. I would consider you bisexual, yes. Liking a few guys is enough, after all, you aren't going to like everybody you see in this world.

2. I would think yes. I think you're focusing to much on your sexuality. Just let it come to you. If you occasionaly find a man attractive, good for you. But don't go somewhere searching for men you find attractive to determine your sexuality. The same with women.

3. You're lack in the opposite sex could just be, as said above, you're focusing to much on same sex. You still find women attractive, you're just putting to much of the male figure into your brain to repond to "I like both women, and men" Focus on women for awhile, you'll find that you like certain things about them, too.

4. Just come right out with it. If they don't like for who you are, then they aren't one of the people you should be in a relationship with. And yes, I know that is more easy said than done.

5. As with your current relationship, come clean. It seems like she likes you so far for who you are, so I don't understand what telling her the entire truth would hurt. Like I said above, if she doesn't accept you for who you are, she's not the person you want to be in a relationship with anyway.

Good luck! All this coming from a bisexual man, BTW. :P

[Mewp]

Can I ask how you suddenly lost interest in the opposite sex and came to stop labeling yourself as heterosexual? I'm just interested since I really haven't heard of that happening.

Thanks for the advice on the things to wear too. Makes me more comfortable in getting them since they're just things I enjoy a lot.

Actually, I got absolutely hammered at a party and ended up in bed with another guy. Really enjoyed it, too. :lol:

It just wasn't something I'd honestly considered: I mean, I'd joked about it and been like - 'Yeah, if I had to, I'd tap that', but it simply hadn't seemed a viable option.

Also, I was happily hetrosexual, with multiple girlfriends up to that point. After I got past the fact that same sex attraction was nominally 'unusual' (like, I felt really strange the first time I watched gay porn - despite everything), I figured I preferred other guys.

I stopped kidding myself after about 6 months when I realised that given the option, I'd still rather screw around with other men. This was exacerbated last year when I started going clubbing, seeing the 'gay scene' in the city where I went to Uni. :P

Also; wear whatever the hell you want. One of the joys of figuring myself out is that I don't have to be concerned with the impression of masculinity I portray; being able to wear bright colours, gloves and dye my hair pink or purple is wicked fun.

After considering the responses I got, which really did help clear my mind, and thinking about this, I think that a lot of the reasons behind my lack of interest in the other sex is because I was trying to force heterosexuality upon myself.

This also played a big part in it. Even subconciously.

... I'm much more honest about what I really like, and it certainly may be that I am entering a platonic phase with the opposite sex.

I find this to be the case for myself, also - I have a bunch of close female friends, who I love spending time with; but don't look at them in a sexual manner. Frankly, I think this is why gay guys get a lot of girlfriends; the lack of sexual tension in social interaction means that you can be more open and honest with each other.


I'm not sure if I'll go about experimenting. After all, I still have this girl that I want to start a relationship with and it feels like cheating to be experimenting with people when I already want to be with her. I'll also tell her about the other aspects of my sexuality and just hope for the best. I hope she understands.

Still, I feel so much more at ease now knowing other people have gone through this and reading what other people have to say about it.

Thanks again for the responses!

No problem. I always like subverting people towards the international homosexual/communist/jewish agenda. :wub:

[Parlement]

Wow. That's some great advice from Mewp.

[Jawbreaker]

Just an update then: yesterday went along pretty great. I took the advice everyone gave and as suggested, I took sometime to look at women, but without the stress of feeling like I should like them or anything like that, I had a good time. I still found some pretty cute. Then I spent my night talking to a friend of mine (the same one who was supportive as I was trying to make sense of my sexuality) about cute boys. It was really fun. I wasn't even disturbed when yet another friend of mine sent me a softcore picture of a naked woman for fun and I didn't really get an erotic reaction. All in all, I wasn't freaked out or worried about it anymore and found myself just...finding everything I liked about both sexes when I wasn't worried about it.

Oh and to explain why I was (well still am a bit) anxious to tell my (possible) girlfriend...it's really that she may not have bargained for all of this. After all, I was more or less presenting myself as a heterosexual and she's...I guess pretty detached from discussion about sex and all that. More, I have no idea how she'll feel about it or anything and she's been one of the few people I've really ever had a deep, meaningful connection with so I feel really worried about putting her off; after all, I can understand if she prefers more "masculine" men or whatever may be the case (she may not like that I would like to get a hummingbird tattoo or something of the like). But now that I'm more comfortable with where I stand, I don't feel that worried about talking about it.

I've also decided that I will get the stuff I like and not be worried about what everyone else says.

So, thanks to everyone for their time and effort! It helped so much! :)

[Parlement]

That's all good news.