Forest Rose
June 4th, 2011, 08:52 AM
I don't have an eating disorder, but I suppose that quite a few times I've been leaning towards disordered eating. When I was eleven I wasn't obsessed about food or calories or weight, but I remember skipping meals because I was upset and because it made me feel better and more in control of everything, and myself. When I was 12 I started "dieting" throwing away lunches at school and so on. I still never even weighed myself but started to truly hate myself, my personality and appearance at times.
When I was 13 I completely stopped eating in front of people. Now I still can't bring myself to eat with others. I started eating less, counting calories and weighing myself, but truthfully I never lost more than about 8lbs at a time, and always ended up gaining it back by going back to "normal" and eating more. It made me feel out of control, and I did make myself sick a few times but never regularly. I started self-harming by cutting, and in the autumn/winter 2010 again lost half a stone. I was underweight though, at the time. Eventually I yet again started eating more and gained weight until recently when I've started to lose again. I know it sounds incredibly silly, me here losing and then gaining, eating less and then eating normally. Not too long ago I overdosed several times and I don't feel in control of my mind or body or life without eating less and losing weight. I feel as if it's the only way to manage things. I'm not underweight now, 3lbs above "underweight". I've been eating less and exercising more, for instance I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday and probably won't for longer.
I'll be seeing CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) soon because of self-harm, suicide attempts and eating problems, although I don't really even think they are that. I'm tempted to just tell them that I'm eating completely normally now, and that there's no problem anymore, and that wouldn't even exactly be a lie. My inconsistency drives me crazy. I know that this time will be different, after everything that happened, suicide attempts, self-harm, and just the uncontrollable way that I generally feel.
I suppose I just want to ask your opinions although I don't have an eating disorder or even disordered eating, probably. I'm scared to post this, in a way, because I think that people will probably think I'm just stupid reading this. What do you think I should say to CAMHS?
When I was 13 I completely stopped eating in front of people. Now I still can't bring myself to eat with others. I started eating less, counting calories and weighing myself, but truthfully I never lost more than about 8lbs at a time, and always ended up gaining it back by going back to "normal" and eating more. It made me feel out of control, and I did make myself sick a few times but never regularly. I started self-harming by cutting, and in the autumn/winter 2010 again lost half a stone. I was underweight though, at the time. Eventually I yet again started eating more and gained weight until recently when I've started to lose again. I know it sounds incredibly silly, me here losing and then gaining, eating less and then eating normally. Not too long ago I overdosed several times and I don't feel in control of my mind or body or life without eating less and losing weight. I feel as if it's the only way to manage things. I'm not underweight now, 3lbs above "underweight". I've been eating less and exercising more, for instance I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday and probably won't for longer.
I'll be seeing CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) soon because of self-harm, suicide attempts and eating problems, although I don't really even think they are that. I'm tempted to just tell them that I'm eating completely normally now, and that there's no problem anymore, and that wouldn't even exactly be a lie. My inconsistency drives me crazy. I know that this time will be different, after everything that happened, suicide attempts, self-harm, and just the uncontrollable way that I generally feel.
I suppose I just want to ask your opinions although I don't have an eating disorder or even disordered eating, probably. I'm scared to post this, in a way, because I think that people will probably think I'm just stupid reading this. What do you think I should say to CAMHS?