Numb (maybe triggering)

[BrokenXPaperXDolls]

Please dont read if you are depressed and would find the topic of suicide and suicidle feelings triggering as i would hate anything i write to do something bad to someone. this isnt a suicide note but if u find this to still be against the rules then feel free to take it down.


I have already writen this post but deleted it by accident so here it is agian but im having trouble writing it again so what i write may not make much sense sorry.

about a year ago i attempted suicide by overdose. when i was doing it the only things i was worrying about was that i was going to die fat and that i maybe should have put on some nicer PJs however crazy that sounds. before hand i tried calling two diffrent suicide hotlines but as soon as u hear the person at the other end i hung up. mainly i struggle talking to people i dont know and i didnt want to inconvenience them. for example every time i post something here on VT i always panick that someone might take offence to what i have wriiten or that it might be missunderstood as well as sounding stupid.

around the time before overdosing i remember times when i had sat in my room and tried to strangle myself with things and crying when i couldnt make it work. when i had actually overdosed i sat there popping pills and woundering how long it was gonna take to kill me and i was perepered and ready to die but i was found and taken to a hospital. i hard to explain but when you have prepered for dying and waiting for it and to be snatched away like that leaves you empty. i was calm the whole time and before gettign found out i had a sense if feeling free.

At the moment the only things that keep me from trying to kill myself are the face that i would be costing my family money and that i would be a burden to them, more that i am when alive. i feel the same as i did around the time i tried to commit suicide and it scares me yet i feel calm and numb at the same time.

To be honest im teriffied of going to college and i keep thinking that maybe i might be dead or killed myself by then. im scared of the future i think and before anyone says try talking to my phsycologist i cant as we dont get alond and she is constantly insulting me and to be honest she makes me feel like a bad person and she scares me.

Im going to be left alone today for some time and my mind keeps telling me that i should take this opportunity. But i dont want my twin finding me though which is the only thing stopping me, yet i know that soon i probably wont care. what would it matter though i mean everyone dies and i would just be doing it on my terms and not having to go through the pain of life.

I dont know why i am wanting to post this but i am and i hope no one finds this upsetting or hates me for it:(

At the moment cutting is the only thing thats keeping me this calm and i know i cant stop. maybe it will get me through this but i dont know. i hate having to rely on my cutting though but the anti-depressents im on dont work. and i have been on them for along time so i know they dont and even though im on a high dosige and stuff.

im gonna stop writting know as i have said more than my first attempt at posting before deleting that by accident. sorry im kind off nervous and dont want to be an inconveniance to anyone on here.

sorry for not making much sense:(

[kittylou]

Paula, let it out when you need to - it is great that you managed to get it out *hug* You never need to apologise for posting here. I am sure it is what these forums are for.

How are you doing now? How did you manage the time alone?

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but the best thing you can do right now is try to talk to someone about what is going on. There are a lot of people out there who want to help you - you aren't a burden at all. We all struggle at times, and all need help with different things. It does not make us less worthy.

I was in a similar spot to you - I didn't want to bother people with my issues as I didn't see them as important. All I wanted to do was die so that people didn't have to deal with me any more, and I tried more than once but always got caught out. But over time things slowly changed. I managed to get away from some of the things that were making me depressed and find a decent therapist who supported me no matter what.

The main thing I can suggest is to talk and get it out in any way you can - whether that be posting on the forums here, talking to someone at a hotline or finding a new psychologist who you can talk to. A psychologist is there to help you through things and support you. I suggest if you feel that she is not helping then you really look at talking to someone else as it really can help if you find soemone you connect with.

And if you ever want to talk please always feel free to contact me. I can't promise to have all the answers but I'm always happy to listen.

[BrokenXPaperXDolls]

Paula, let it out when you need to - it is great that you managed to get it out *hug* You never need to apologise for posting here. I am sure it is what these forums are for.

How are you doing now? How did you manage the time alone?

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but the best thing you can do right now is try to talk to someone about what is going on. There are a lot of people out there who want to help you - you aren't a burden at all. We all struggle at times, and all need help with different things. It does not make us less worthy.

I was in a similar spot to you - I didn't want to bother people with my issues as I didn't see them as important. All I wanted to do was die so that people didn't have to deal with me any more, and I tried more than once but always got caught out. But over time things slowly changed. I managed to get away from some of the things that were making me depressed and find a decent therapist who supported me no matter what.

The main thing I can suggest is to talk and get it out in any way you can - whether that be posting on the forums here, talking to someone at a hotline or finding a new psychologist who you can talk to. A psychologist is there to help you through things and support you. I suggest if you feel that she is not helping then you really look at talking to someone else as it really can help if you find soemone you connect with.

And if you ever want to talk please always feel free to contact me. I can't promise to have all the answers but I'm always happy to listen.



Thanks:) ditto and if u need to u can contact me whenever :D