Oh, shit. Something's wrong.

[Alexithymia]

Last night I came as close as I've ever to taking my own life. I never actually had an ATTEMPT, but I still scared myself. I had a note written. I felt like I was worthless. I was horrible at everything. And I was just... depressed. I knew no one would miss me. I knew everyone would be better off in the end. I knew that my friends wouldn't care; they'd just go off and make more.

Thankfully my friend was texting me at the time. I asked her to just keep on talking me for a while because I couldn't trust myself at all. I had a razor for cutting in the drawer next to me. All I had to do was run it across my wrists and everyone would be happier in the long run. However, my friend kept talking to me while I was writing the note. She was, obviously, afraid. When the note was written, I just closed my eyes, and only looked at the texts. It was hard. It was painful. And while this seems completely insane, for the first time ever, closing my eyes and actually trying to fall asleep was so incredibly difficult.

And in all of this, I've managed to realize ONE thing. I'm not less depressed. I'm numb. I don't feel depressed anymore, yeah, but I also don't feel happy. Angry. Greedy. Lustful. Anything at all. I've just blocked myself off from emotions completely because I couldn't handle it. I wish I could tell my mom this. I wish that she wouldn't make me go to counseling again because counseling was the thing that MADE me block off my emotions. It made me have to act happy, to just numb everything else. And the happiness eventually numbed too.

So... an update from me I guess. Just struggling with everything right now again. Hopefully some of it will go away after finals, but who knows. Maybe I'll just kill myself during the vacation we go on.

[EarthToBryan]

I know what you are feeling, I don't even feel numb, just nothing. It sucks way more than the brief period when I was numb. Just a thought, if you don't like feeling nothing, what makes you think that being dead will be any different. That is the BIG nothing. I don't think you found the right counselor, with the right counselor you can talk about anything you feel and just be yourself. That's the kind of person that can really help you. My suggestion is that you tell your mom you need to see a counselor and look around, talk to a bunch of different ones until you find one that you "click" with. You'll know him/her when you find her.

If you need someone to talk to in the mean time just shoot me a message, it doesn't need to be well written or relevant, just talk to me or a friend, like you did, if you ever feel like that again. *hugs* :yes:

[Magenta]

If you kill yourself, I swear I will bring back just to beat you. I say this in the most affectionate way possible. *ahem* (I'm nuts, I'm aware.)

I'm glad your friend was there. It's good to have someone there to keep you grounded. I've had nights like that. Heck, you've seen me through nights like that. If anyone would miss you, I know I would. You've helped me through a lot, Mark, and I don't take it lightly. You're an amazing guy. You have so much to live for.

I have notebooks filled with suicide notes. A note, however, is not an attempt. You wrote the note but you didn't do it and I'm so proud of you. I'm not sure what else to say other than that. I know you're numb now but the feelings will return. The happiness will come back. It takes time but slowly you'll regain it. I know you're like me and don't like therapy because it just isn't what works but, for now, maybe try to use it to your advantage somehow?

And don't worry about the emails. :hug: Message me when you can. Stay strong.

[Alexithymia]

Thanks. :) I did try and kill myself once, but I knew it wouldn't kill me. The urges seem to come at night, and I think it's because I realize I have to go to sleep and wake up to another shitty day. I just wish I could hide for a while. I feel like that would help me the most. Not because I feel week right now, but because I just want to get things in order. Tell my mind what is fact, and what is opinion. Because if I can separate the two, I might be a bit happier. I might not be the happiest thing on the world, but I won't be spiraling down to suicide.

[Magenta]

I've attempted twice in that sort of half-hearted-I-know-I-won't-die way but the intent was for death even if it wouldn't work.

You don't need to hide. :) The world is dark and frustrating place but there are people who love you and don't want you to hide away. If you ever need to just vent about stuff, you can send me emails anytime. Two more weeks and I'll be around much more often.

[Fiction]

Counselling did exactly the same to me, it made me feel "better" for a while, because I was pretending for my counselor, as well as for me. I don't really know the answer to how to solve that, I guess you just need to try and open up fully to your counselor, or at least someone.

The fact that you tried not to kill yourself shows that a huge part of you still wants to stay, that you still have hope and that you want to get better. Hold on to that, because that's strength. I know it doesn't seem like it but things will get better eventually, they have to. You just have to hold on until then.

As for no one caring, a lot more people would care for you than you think. Your friends would not just get over it and your parents certainly wouldn't. Your mum obviously cares for you a lot and wants you to get better. :hug:

[Nancy Boy]

Dont.

Theres so much to live for in this beautiful life :3