EarthToBryan
June 1st, 2011, 07:52 PM
For as long as I can remember I have been apathetic about everything. I don't have a hobby that I am passionate about (except for learning/reading), I have never have a girlfriend, I don't have close friends (never really have), I don't play sports, etc. I don't really care for anything or anyone, if you readers watch the show Dexter, Dexter is a spitting image of me, minus the homicidal tendencies.
I feel like I am very empty, no personality, so I just kind of follow everyone else's lead in social situations and take on parts of their personality for a while, until I am back alone. I know that people are the one thing in life that can make you happy, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute to them. I want to make close friends, hell even a best friend or girlfriend, but I feel so apathetic towards doing anything. The conflict of emotions within me has really stressed me out for a long time. I think that the main reason for my lack of social abilities is the fact that I was isolated in the woods for months at a time, with only my family to talk to back when I lived in Michigan. The only person I talked to under 45 for about 6 months at a time was my brother, who is very insensitive and generally mean, but can make best friends in a matter of a month or two.
I don't really have too many emotions, I have noticed that when I do become emotional that I come back to neutral much faster than other people. I have become cynical and step back and look at things from a objective perspective whenever I need to make a Decision (not that I ever MAKE the decision, that might upset someone or maybe expose my emptiness. I just want the interaction to end as painlessly as possible) I have become so preoccupied in trying to avoid upsetting people, or causing conflict that I don't mention things people inadvertently do that might be a bit uncomfortable. A good example is that today I was at the DMV, sitting down in the chairs near the line, and a lady moved in front of me (she didn't notice she was cutting me). Instead of telling her I was in line, or whatever someone is supposed to do, I just let her and a few other people cut me. Whenever I leave or enter a building I hold the door for my mom or dad and then I am so unable to upset someone that I end up holding the door for 5 minutes, trapped there until the flow of people stops.
This overwhelming sense of apathy towards life, inability to put myself into situations where people might get upset and the nothingness that I am (or have become, I don't know which) have really been dragging me down. I feel apathetic now towards the only thing I have ever been passionate about, school. I love learning with a passion but now my eyes un-focus and I feel a wave of hopelessness rush through me whenever I have to do anything, even things I used to love to do, mainly reading. I feel numb and hollow. I just want to melt into a puddle and never have anyone bother me again. :(
What is it that is different with me, why can't I just be happy and have stupid hobbies or get passionately in a crush with someone or get caught up in my spur of the moment emotions? I don't want to be some primal jerk, like most of the people I know, and I don't want to be ignorant, but it seems like that is the only way to be happy.
I feel like I am very empty, no personality, so I just kind of follow everyone else's lead in social situations and take on parts of their personality for a while, until I am back alone. I know that people are the one thing in life that can make you happy, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute to them. I want to make close friends, hell even a best friend or girlfriend, but I feel so apathetic towards doing anything. The conflict of emotions within me has really stressed me out for a long time. I think that the main reason for my lack of social abilities is the fact that I was isolated in the woods for months at a time, with only my family to talk to back when I lived in Michigan. The only person I talked to under 45 for about 6 months at a time was my brother, who is very insensitive and generally mean, but can make best friends in a matter of a month or two.
I don't really have too many emotions, I have noticed that when I do become emotional that I come back to neutral much faster than other people. I have become cynical and step back and look at things from a objective perspective whenever I need to make a Decision (not that I ever MAKE the decision, that might upset someone or maybe expose my emptiness. I just want the interaction to end as painlessly as possible) I have become so preoccupied in trying to avoid upsetting people, or causing conflict that I don't mention things people inadvertently do that might be a bit uncomfortable. A good example is that today I was at the DMV, sitting down in the chairs near the line, and a lady moved in front of me (she didn't notice she was cutting me). Instead of telling her I was in line, or whatever someone is supposed to do, I just let her and a few other people cut me. Whenever I leave or enter a building I hold the door for my mom or dad and then I am so unable to upset someone that I end up holding the door for 5 minutes, trapped there until the flow of people stops.
This overwhelming sense of apathy towards life, inability to put myself into situations where people might get upset and the nothingness that I am (or have become, I don't know which) have really been dragging me down. I feel apathetic now towards the only thing I have ever been passionate about, school. I love learning with a passion but now my eyes un-focus and I feel a wave of hopelessness rush through me whenever I have to do anything, even things I used to love to do, mainly reading. I feel numb and hollow. I just want to melt into a puddle and never have anyone bother me again. :(
What is it that is different with me, why can't I just be happy and have stupid hobbies or get passionately in a crush with someone or get caught up in my spur of the moment emotions? I don't want to be some primal jerk, like most of the people I know, and I don't want to be ignorant, but it seems like that is the only way to be happy.