I feel like a failure.

[FullyAlive]

Ok so I was/am suicidal. And basically as it happened I got help, I ended up with the school knowing, but it turned out ok I went to see my doctor. I have a lot of people checking up on me now. It gets really irritating my mum checks up on my. The assistant head at school checks up on me. The doctor checks up on me. I understand why but it's frustrating.

Anyway each day they ask how I am, I'm the same living but wanting to die, taking it day by day. But I'm starting to feel like a failure. Each day I've gone a little longer and I've not attempted I'm not dead. I genuinely wanted too still do, I've got everything planned and I know how I'd do it. But since people found out I'm holding on, the guilt speeches got to me. Except now I feel like everyone thinks I was lying, I was never serious, they'll think I was just attention seeking. But I wasn't I'm not. I'm genuinely suicidal and I know I have help. And deep down I know I don't want to die I want change. But I feel like I'm attention seeking like I'm a failure if I don't die. If I don't even seriously attempt.

I'm sorry this might not even make sense but I'm just rambling I suppose.

[MadManWithaBox]

Unfortunately Louise, that's just how they'll be. If they think there's danger, they'll keep checking. It's because they care. Help might take time. In fact it will. But you're not a failure by not killing yourself, you're a winner by carrying on and getting through it.

[Dimitri]

Hey Louise,
It is like something I have told a friend before and I have been told before, "you're only a failure if you beleive that, and by beleiving that you're not a failure, because you accomplished something to get there, now you just need to get on with it and acheive!"

[Magenta]

Aw Louise. :hug: I don't think anyone thinks you're doing it for attention. If they do, they don't really understand but you can't blame them. You're not a failure for not attempting. It's great you haven't. And now that you have the help, there's a lower chance of ever trying to kill yourself.

Stay strong. :)

[Fiction]

Louise I know exactly how you feel, exactly how I feel about my eating disorder. You know how long you spent persuading me I wasn't a fake, that it was real. Just because you haven't seriously attempted doesn't mean it was nothing. In fact you have attempted, and you know you have even if they don't.

Seriously attempting will not make anything any better, for you or for anyone else. It'll give you even less freedom and mean they check up even more, on top of that there's always the risk that it'll go too far, and as you said deep down you don't want that, and I know i'd be devastated if that happened, and I mean that.

Love you :hug:

[Extreme586]

When I start to feel bad about myself, I think about things like suicide, but after a while of reasoning with myself I understand that there are just too many things that are important to me. I think that's what you should do whenever you start to feel that way, think of something that makes you want to keep living.

Right now there is one person, who I am not great friends with, but have known for about a year now. He can put a smile on my face in the worst of days, and whenever I get down on myself I usually just look back on all that has happened between us and it brings me right back up again.

As for people thinking you just want attention, just know that people who have probably never felt this way before are going to think that because they just don't truly understand what your going through. Just remember that people care about you and your worth too much to lose. :)

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Matt, I know they have to check on me and I'll just have to deal. And I suppose you're right I'll have won when if I get through this alive, and hopefully by then it'll feel like winning too?

And thanks Robert I'll remember that and hopefully I can apply it eventually.

And Jo thank you, I didn't know that if I don't do it now I probably won't so that's news to me .

Kathy, I know I spent ages but you know how it is it's different when it's yourself. I just feel like I have to prove it our I'll have let someone down. I don't know what I've done in various attempts makes me feel even more like a failure, over dosing on so little how was I ever pathetic enough to think that would kill me. I should of done proper research so I still feel like I failed because I didn't. I love you too :hug3:

And Extreme thanks, I do at the moment have a few people who are important enough to me to make me hold on. As I said at the moment I lack intent and I'm going to try keep it that way.

[Fiction]

Kathy, I know I spent ages but you know how it is it's different when it's yourself. I just feel like I have to prove it our I'll have let someone down. I don't know what I've done in various attempts makes me feel even more like a failure, over dosing on so little how was I ever pathetic enough to think that would kill me. I should of done proper research so I still feel like I failed because I didn't. I love you too :hug3:

I know it's different when it's yourself but just listen to yourself for a second okay?

By staying strong through this and not doing anything you've made me proud, the total opposite of letting me down. I've seen what you're going through and how hard it's been for you and you're still here, still fighting and still trying to get better and that's incredibly strong. You're not a failure and no one will think that. Keep going Louise, you know i'm always here for you.

[Dimitri]

And thanks Robert I'll remember that and hopefully I can apply it eventually.
Hang in there and I know you will be able to do amazing things in the future because unlike many people who say, "I know what you mean" just think, you do know and you can help because you knew.