Hi...

[Forever]

I don't really know how this works so I'm just going to start with an introduction/why I'm posting in this part of the forum...

I've been cutting and suicidal for a little over three years now. I've been cutting on and off during that time, but in the past few months I started drinking instead of cutting. Ran out of alcohol, and in a few weeks I started cutting again, deeper then before. :|

I have amazing friends, right now, but not in the past. When I was little, someone was playing a joke on me and locked me in the laundry room in the basement with all the lights off. When I was a little younger than when that happened, this boy a few years older then me beat me with a baseball bat. But that's not why I got into depression and started cutting. I started cutting for a stupid reason, probably. I lost the guy I thought I was in love with, and that I was with for two years. But that's not the reason I cut now. I cut now because I'm not good enough for anyone. My parents are always disappointed in me even though I have six A's in school and two B's. Half of my family doesn't approve of me because I don't have a religion. The other half I'm just not good enough for in general, every little thing I try to do good is never good enough, so I really don't know what to do.

I want to just die, but would it be selfish? I have friends now that say they care about me, but would it be selfish of me to kill myself and leave them, or is it selfish of them to make me stay here when I'm forever stuck in this same mood?

I'm trying not to sound like a selfish person here, and I know a lot has happened to a lot of other people, but I really just want to die.

Ahh shoot, I started rambling and this was only supposed to be an introduction sort of lol. Well, um, that's kind of who I am. Nice to meet whoever's here. :)

[anonymous53]

Welcome to VT.
Well, as everyone here is gonna tell you. Killing yourself isn't worth it. Quite a few of us have tried before. It's a permanent fix to a temporary problem.
Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you have any other coping methods besides cutting? Such as burning incense, going for a run, singing, drawingg, writing, talking or dancing?
If there is anything worth living for in your life latch on to it and hold on :) Things will get better.

Is there anyone you can go to for help like an adult to talk to and get things solved with? Such as a school counselor.

[Fiction]

Welcome to VT :)

Over those 3 years, have you wanted to kill yourself everyday? Have there been some days where you've felt like life was worth it? Because i'm guessing there has been somewhere. Most people don't really want to die, they just want to stop feeling how they are feeling, and there are other ways to do that. As Rob said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Are you getting any help? If not maybe you should try and get some councelling or something to help you to stop feeling like this. Is there someone at school you can go and talk to? I know the thought of getting help is scary, but it's better to ask for help now than get it in the worst way possible. My parents found out about my self harm when I ended up in hospital after overdosing.

As for self harm, it's something to stop when you're ready. Stopping too early is not good for you, trying to do that is one of the things that lead me to attempt. I guess the thing to do is to make sure you're safe, especially if you are going deeper than before. Make sure you clean your wounds and whatever you use to cut with.

I'm always here if you want to talk :)

[Forever]

I'm actually involved in a lot of things, I write music on the piano and I'm in a running club, but nothing really seems to replace cutting. Thank you, though.

I haven't ever gone to an adult for help, you're right about the idea being scary, I've always had a hard time talking about my feelings to the people around me because I've had a lot of bad experiences with sharing stuff when I was younger. There is one teacher at my school I think I might be able to go to, but she's not a counselor or anything and like a lot of people finding about about my cutting scares me. Then he'll tell my parents and my mom will give me that disappointed look and my dad will yell at my mom for not bringing me up right... Thank you for like offering to speak to me and stuff though, and I'm going to talk to my trusted teacher more, maybe not tell her about me so much yet though. But thank you.

[anonymous53]

Well talking is a step in the right direction :)
Yeah, telling is really scary.. I didn't really have a choice in the matter when our counselor found out. :hug: With that teacher doesn't matter if they're a counselor, that way when you're ready you can get some help :)
As Kat said, I'm always here to talk as well.

[Fiction]

If you tell that teacher then it'll perhaps get you real help. As for parents, mine where idiots about it all too, I guess at the end of the day whether they're idiots or not all that matters is you're getting help. Most parents find out eventually if their child is self harming long term, it's better for it to come from you and to be earlier when you can be more easily helped.

[Forest Rose]

Hi, I'm quite new here too and VT really does seem like a great place. :)
I can relate a lot to the self-harm and suicidal feelings, and I'm sorry that you're going through all of that. It's great that you're involved in a lot of things though, don't give up and remember that there are things to live for and ways to get help.

I hope that you can talk to the teacher you trust, and she might be able to help you or at least listen. It is true though that you need to tell somebody about feeling this way and the truth it that your parents probably will find out sooner or later, especially if you end up acting on the suicidal thoughts, and it's better surely for them to find out before it's too late? :( Could you write a letter to anybody asking for help?

But for now you can talk to us, and try to talk to your trusted teacher or a school nurse.