Fantasies of death and "real" trauma.

[Magenta]

I post here so often. I feel useless. If I were a human being worth something, I would be off the Internet and doing something with my life.

Christmas Eve, 2010, I was supposed to overdose. I had been planning for two months that I was going to die that night. The world would be rid of me in time for Christmas. I never did it. I never even tried. I thought there was still something worth living for. Instead, I spent Christmas day in the bathroom watching my arms bleed because the day started out in tears at 6am. That's a whole other story involving my dysfunctional step-family that never really wanted me.

January, this year, I sat in my dad's old Ford pick-up with a thumb tack. All I could think of was escape. I just wanted to leave forever. I wanted to just disappear. I tore my arm up. I was ready to spend hours on it if I had to in order to hit an artery. But I was stupid. I texted a friend to say goodbye. She phoned me and passed me over to a friend who phoned 911 to make sure I didn't keep going.

My parents decided to punish me because I wanted to die. My dad hates me friend for calling 911. He says that my friend had no right to interfere with our family.

I've been in an adolescent psychiatric ward twice since last August when I joined VT. I developed an eating disorder that prevents me from even thinking straight during the day. I spent a night cutting so much that I had 421 cuts from my shoulder to my wrist all within about ten minutes and that wasn't even with the intent today. I started cutting in August and already have thousands of scars.

I feel numb. I'm starting to think of how I should have done it so long ago. I don't know what to do. I've tried EVERYTHING. Distractions, professional help... I am never getting better. I'll never be skinny enough, I'll never be pretty. People will still be embarrassed by me.

I've tried therapists. Talking barely helps. You can talk and talk but you never feel any better. You just keep talking because it's the only thing that doesn't hurt. Then it does start to hurt. Things start crowding your head. It's just the past, nothing new, and you sound like a broken record. Everything becomes untriggered. Everything gets better around you but your dark place is permanent with the exception of feeling so high that you'll be trying relentlessly to fly until you crash and burn again.

I spent so much time almost expecting my life will get worse. I spend whole hours frozen in the spot, staring into the distance, having day dream/nightmares about being raped or molested. I have all these waking nightmares about horrible things. Then I go out with friends at night and wonder that if I were raped, would my misery be real? Would it compare to the other horror stories found online? I feel like I'm a fake. So my family has a history of addictions and mental illness. I inherited it plus some minor "trauma" as a kid that my mum says I made up but I can't remember the first thirteen years of my life and I'm only 16. So is anything real?

(Realize some of what I said seemed insensitive to people who have gone through these things. I don't want to be raped obviously but sometimes I feel like that would be what it would take to feel like I'm allowed to be this way... Doesn't make sense.)

I dabble with different labels to be less fake. Maybe I'm bipolar? Maybe I'm depressed? Maybe the people I act out are alter egos? I'm OCD, I have social anxiety... I beg for a diagnosis just to feel like I'm not lying and not just insane or worthless. If there's a name, I'm not a nobody that people just look at and think that she should go die in a gutter.

I feel sick. I ate a bowl of cereal and want to get rid of it. Partially because of my disgust with my body but also with the thoughts- the fantasies- of death I've been having. Will I ever go through with it? I don't know. How long will I torture myself in my own head out of my control until I do?

[Fairy]

Hi Jo,

I"m sorry to read that you're having to deal with so much.
And to see you feeling so poorly/hurt.

I personally have never really gotten to the point of having suicide thoughts or self-harm.
But I can only try and give you my opinion/insight about this.

Personally, I agree on therapists not always helping.
It may solve some issues but it cannot help you deal with future issues that might happen.
And that only makes you go back at 0 again, with the previous thoughts or experiences you have gone through.

I often thought about death aswell so it is definitely not weird to have fantasies or fears about it.
But the thing here is...
You have been given the chance to create a life, there's new born children that don't even get to see what the world is like or to open their eyes at all.
Some people don't even have the chance to choose to live or die, because they get diagnosed with a horrible disease like cancer or are part of a car accident etc.
I think you understand my point.

I know this won't really help perhaps as it doesn't really make you feel better about yourself and your selfesteem either.
But it's just what I try to keep in mind myself, I remind myself why I am still alive.
And the people that love me and care about me, I'd never want to hurt them.

These days there's a lot of pressure on the ideal 'look'.
If you aren't skinny enough, don't fit in.
Too fat?Nope, don't fit in...
It's horrible and people don't realise how much it can put a person down and lower their selfesteem.
I just want you to know that you're such a wonderful girl, not only do you seem really sweet by reading some of your posts-
Seeing your Avatar right there, you're also really pretty.
You definitely have no reasons to consider yourself worthless or useless.
But I understand this is easier said than done.

It's just that I know you may have gone through a lot and people that make rude comments or anything.
But this doesn't mean they can just go and ruin/end your life?
It's not your fault that those people are rude and mean, don't care about how someone feels.

It's really hard to get out of this vicious circle once you're in it, and get rid of all those negative thoughts.
But just try to realise first of all that you, just like anyone else-
Deserve to have the oppertunity and create a life, deserve to be happy.
And definitely to be able and show what a beatiful and unique person you are.

We just cannot please everyone in this world, there will always be people that won't agree or will dislike us for some reason.
Life is indeed hard, but just remember that in my opinion-
Life goes on after you die, and it won't just get rid of the feelings you have.
Of course no one knows what happens after life but...I believe there is an afterlife.
And I doubt very much that everyone would be happier without you.

Far away from that, I'm sure of it.

Keep your chin up hon!!

[Magenta]

Thanks... I think. Now to get up and face another terrible day.

I think people wish I'd just get over all of this and whatever normal is. My mum always just says I was "sick" and I need to "get better".

[Fiction]

One thing that i've learnt is that we all change as we get older, we learn things and because we change so do our mentalities. I'm not trying to belittle or make what you're feeling insignificant because it's not. Anything that's bothering you is not insignificant, but maybe it is just a sort of "phase". Your mentality is bound to change at some point and that may involve you feeling better. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem, because we all change.

I know it's hard sometimes now, but you just have to keep going, never give up. I've heard you repeat it before but ima realliterate it, you don't fail until you give up. :)

[Magenta]

Thanks again, Kathy. It's so easy to repeat it to other people but when it comes to actually taking it to heart... I want to say I'm not trying, that I have given up, but I don't think that's true or I wouldn't still be here.

It's mostly VT keeping me here. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff but I'm one of the very few dealing with it that I know in person so there's still a degree of isolation.

But I guess I haven't failed yet. :)

[Alexithymia]

Jo -- first of all, I feel like shit for not replying to your emails. I promise I will try my best not to let that happen. I'll talk more to you about it later because I want this reply to be about your post.

The therapy thing struck me as the most prominent thing here. "Talking never helps." This is true. For me, talking doesn't do shit. It justs you rambling on and on. It might help you get a bit clearer, but it never helps you in the long run. Therapy actually just made me numb.

Psychiatric Wards are good for one thing and one thing only: keeping you alive. If you're suicidal, go. If it's something life-threatening, go. Just go if you need to. Otherwise, you're better off with friends.

The thing that most startles me is how your father hated your friend for trying to keep you alive. Does he hate you? Is he secretive? Because that's messed up. Period. There's nothing you can change, but he -should- realize otherwise.

That's all that I have. I may edit it in a few minutes, but my mind is a bit slow.

[Magenta]

My father... he loves me. But I don't know what to think of him. He kicked me out. My step-mum was concerned more about her own children being around me than my living there. I think he has just abandoned me. He wants to take me up north during the summer but I feel so distant and disconnected now.

I feel distant and disconnected from life. It's been three months since I was in the ward. It feels like weeks and years at the same time. I can't tell time anymore.

I never want to talk anymore. I feel like a broken record. My eating disorder, my cutting... When I do something stupid, I feel like I should tell someone but they have heard the same thing a million times before. I'm still a burden. Shouldn't I just disappear? Die? Why haven't I? Why am I still on this earth?

Why was I ever born if my first memory is of me telling my mother I wished I had never been born? :/