I feel numb.

[1_21Guns]

I thought I was getting better. I thought it was going. I thought I was finally going to be okay soon. I thought leaving school would help because I wouldn't have to face everything every single day.
Then I started to feel empty. I snapped at my mum earlier for no reason, my friend looked at me somewhat startled by the moodswing. I feel like I'm playing out an act, like my whole lifes part of a show. I don't even feel like me at times. I feel like I've just been trapped inside a weakened body, like I don't belong where I am.
Now? I don't feel anything. My face is in a fixed expression. Ruby lines are flickering on my arms, hallucinations from my mind. I don't know what to feel, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I just feel empty, I feel numb. I feel like nothing.
I feel like I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve anyone. I felt so happy a few hours ago, and that's the part I don't understand. 4 hours ago I was a compeltely different person to how I am now. Now I'm just a blank expression covering a broken down girl. I've lost a lot, but more than anything, I've lost myself.
I want the pills. I want the alcohol. I want the blade. I want to starve. I don't want to be 'me' anymore. I don't even know what's wrong with me.
My urges come and go within seconds. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, what I'm even thinking. Everythings a haze, a blur. I don't know how to care about anything, especially myself. I just want to escape everything, this place, my mind, my body. Just, everything.

[Love.Hate]

What will escaping do? Nothing.
You deserve your life. We are all put on this earth to live our life. Now live yours. I know what that numb feelings like. But you won't feel like it forever. I have learnt in life you have to have your downs to go back up again. You can pick yourself back up, because you are strong and you deserve to get better. You will get better, things will get better.

[georgiamay]

Nat :hug:

Everyone falls like this from time to time, it doesn't mean that you'll feel this way forever. We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves back up again.
I know how horrible that numb feeling is, and I also know that one day you won't feel like this anymore, and you'll be free. Things will always get better. If this is you hitting rock bottom, then the only way you can go is up.
You will fall back into this every now and then, but you'll learn to push through it and come out at the other end in the process.

You know where I am yeah? :hug3:

[1_21Guns]

thanks guys, I know, 1 hour after I posted that I was all happy again, my heads just starting to hurt with all this