Rubber
May 27th, 2011, 09:50 PM
so recently i found out i have social anxiety. Infact, i didnt even know it existed before. i would go to my doctor for an offcial diagnosis, but because of my anxiety, i feel like i cant tell anyone and im really scared to. Anyways i think ive had it ever since i was in preschool. theres been MANY up's and down's to it during the years, but my early childhood was defintely the worst of it. Get ready cause its going to get reallly long
so in Preschool, all the teachers would worry about me. Why? because throughout the whole year i would not utter a single word, not make a single sound, not ask a single question. I think behind my backs my teachers talked to my mom about it. Anyways i wouldnt reli consider myself to have any friends back then. I mean i would have kids who my mom basically forced my to play with. But i was always silent and tried to have as little contact as possible. This cycle continued all the way until about 3rd grade. Yep. From Pre-k to 3rd grade i never uttered a word in school. When i finally did, my teacher made me go around the school saying "hi" to all my previous teachers. My kindergarden teacher was so happy she actually stood up on a table and started dancing in joy. So for the rest of elementary school i was still VERY shy. I got zero's in music class obviously because i didnt sing :(. i was shy, but not completely and was able to make a few friends.
The highlight of my social life, and low point at the same time, was middle school. I talked much more than i used to, but only to people i considered friends. Still barely to my techers, and dreaded disappoiting people, and when i did would feel bad about it for days. I STILL feel bad about almost messing up someones dumb middleschool relationship! Anyways i had a decent amount of friends and all was good in school. But once that bell rang, it was back to solitude. I reli did want to do things outside of school but was so afraid to just ask. It was just like a worse fear. So i only actually hung out with friends in middle school about 10-15 times i would say, for the whole three years. Yep, it was the best of times, it was the worse of times.
Now im in my sophmore year of HS, and i feel like im treading back into my elementary school days. Ive had so many ups and downs. Freshman year was VERY bad, and i was actually depressed for most of that year. Sophmore year my social life drastically improved. i finally got the courgae to ask to hang out with friends, and i started going to parties. For a few months i drank and smoked whenever i got the chance. There was just one problem. I was doing that for all the wrong reasons. During parties i felt so out of place i felt i HAD to do that stuff to even communicate or have fun. Eventually i got out of that trap before i got into deep, and ive been sober for several months. recently during my sobreity i went to a party and didnt do anything. I talked to about two ppl tht whole hour, pretended to be preoccupied with my ipod and phone, and just sat there watching beer pong. Eventually i just couldnt take it anymore cuz i felt ppl were judging me for not talking and just sitting and having a frightned expression on my face. I left and walked home, even forgetting about the friend i promised i wuld walk home with. i feel like im spiraling downward. First off, in half my classes, i have never raised my hand EVER. Just like in elementary. And when my teachers call on me, my heart litereally jumps up and i say some partially correct answer, even though i knew the right one. a few months ago i had an anxiety attack after giving a speech, and culdnt speak right or stop fidgeting for a few hours.
I just wish i could be myself and stop hiding. I want to one day not always think people are judging and watching me. I want to one day actually have some kind of intimate relationship. Ive only kissed a girl once, mainly because i an too scared to make any type of move ever. People try to be friends with me all the time, and basically throw themselves at me, but i always just turn away, and dont look them in the eye, because i cant. I missed out of so many opportunities because of this. Even right now im sitting at home alone when i could be at a party i was invited to. Im only in one club, even though i would like to be in more, and i just so want to be able to say "hi" to ppl in the hallway, and after i do it, not feel i did something wrong. Is anyone else like this? And how do they deal with this. Im really worried about mi future. How will i ever be able to do a college interview? A job interview? Talk to a girl and NOT be just friends? Thanks to those who read my whole post. Just getting this whole story out has made me feel sort of better actually.
so in Preschool, all the teachers would worry about me. Why? because throughout the whole year i would not utter a single word, not make a single sound, not ask a single question. I think behind my backs my teachers talked to my mom about it. Anyways i wouldnt reli consider myself to have any friends back then. I mean i would have kids who my mom basically forced my to play with. But i was always silent and tried to have as little contact as possible. This cycle continued all the way until about 3rd grade. Yep. From Pre-k to 3rd grade i never uttered a word in school. When i finally did, my teacher made me go around the school saying "hi" to all my previous teachers. My kindergarden teacher was so happy she actually stood up on a table and started dancing in joy. So for the rest of elementary school i was still VERY shy. I got zero's in music class obviously because i didnt sing :(. i was shy, but not completely and was able to make a few friends.
The highlight of my social life, and low point at the same time, was middle school. I talked much more than i used to, but only to people i considered friends. Still barely to my techers, and dreaded disappoiting people, and when i did would feel bad about it for days. I STILL feel bad about almost messing up someones dumb middleschool relationship! Anyways i had a decent amount of friends and all was good in school. But once that bell rang, it was back to solitude. I reli did want to do things outside of school but was so afraid to just ask. It was just like a worse fear. So i only actually hung out with friends in middle school about 10-15 times i would say, for the whole three years. Yep, it was the best of times, it was the worse of times.
Now im in my sophmore year of HS, and i feel like im treading back into my elementary school days. Ive had so many ups and downs. Freshman year was VERY bad, and i was actually depressed for most of that year. Sophmore year my social life drastically improved. i finally got the courgae to ask to hang out with friends, and i started going to parties. For a few months i drank and smoked whenever i got the chance. There was just one problem. I was doing that for all the wrong reasons. During parties i felt so out of place i felt i HAD to do that stuff to even communicate or have fun. Eventually i got out of that trap before i got into deep, and ive been sober for several months. recently during my sobreity i went to a party and didnt do anything. I talked to about two ppl tht whole hour, pretended to be preoccupied with my ipod and phone, and just sat there watching beer pong. Eventually i just couldnt take it anymore cuz i felt ppl were judging me for not talking and just sitting and having a frightned expression on my face. I left and walked home, even forgetting about the friend i promised i wuld walk home with. i feel like im spiraling downward. First off, in half my classes, i have never raised my hand EVER. Just like in elementary. And when my teachers call on me, my heart litereally jumps up and i say some partially correct answer, even though i knew the right one. a few months ago i had an anxiety attack after giving a speech, and culdnt speak right or stop fidgeting for a few hours.
I just wish i could be myself and stop hiding. I want to one day not always think people are judging and watching me. I want to one day actually have some kind of intimate relationship. Ive only kissed a girl once, mainly because i an too scared to make any type of move ever. People try to be friends with me all the time, and basically throw themselves at me, but i always just turn away, and dont look them in the eye, because i cant. I missed out of so many opportunities because of this. Even right now im sitting at home alone when i could be at a party i was invited to. Im only in one club, even though i would like to be in more, and i just so want to be able to say "hi" to ppl in the hallway, and after i do it, not feel i did something wrong. Is anyone else like this? And how do they deal with this. Im really worried about mi future. How will i ever be able to do a college interview? A job interview? Talk to a girl and NOT be just friends? Thanks to those who read my whole post. Just getting this whole story out has made me feel sort of better actually.