georgiamay
May 27th, 2011, 05:41 PM
My therapist has said to me a few times that she wants to "help me get better." The truth is, I don't even know what's wrong with me. There must be something wrong with me, otherwise I wouldn't need to get better, or to "recover," if there's nothing to recover from.
Even if there is something wrong with me, I think I've hit a wall. I was starting to get better, my self harm was becoming less frequent, and they weren't as deep as they used to be. This week I've done it twice, which is a bit of a set back for me, considering I've managed 2 weeks for a while now. And the second time I did it this week, I wouldn't stop, even though I felt satisfied, I'd got my release, I wasn't freaking out, I was calm. But I wouldn't stop until I went deep enough. It was weird, I'm not sure how to explain why I wanted to go deeper. I felt pathetic, like I wasn't doing it properly, so I did, and now it's definitely going to scar. I want to do it again. I've said it before, but I want to just lose it. I don't want to stay under control anymore, my self harm keeps me in control of myself, but I don't want that. I could just do some crazy shit on my arms, that would be like losing control.
My eating has fucked up this week. I've lost about 5 or 6 pounds (The scales broke again :|), but today I just binged and binged and binged. I didn't purge though, which I'm starting to regret now, I don't even want to think about the amount of calories I've eaten.
How can I get better if there isn't anything specifically wrong with me? I haven't been diagnosed with anything, I don't have an eating disorder. My eating habits may be fucked up, but they haven't been going on long enough to count, and it's not exactly consistant either.
I just want to give up. Not to give up as in to kill myself, but to give up as in to go off the rails. I don't give a shit about my future, or what my family will think, I just want to do fuck all with my life.
But that's not true, I do care about my future. But I can't see myself getting there, I can't see myself actually being successful, I just see myself fucking it all up and developing a drinking problem, which wouldn't surprise me.
I don't want to "lose it," but it's so tempting just to see what would happen if I did, what it would feel like.
I don't even know what's going on inside my head, but I know I don't like it. I don't like the fact that all I can think about is how peaceful death must be, and how much I just want to die. I'd never do it, I don't want to kill myself, but I can't be bothered to live anymore. How pathetic and whiney does that sound?
My therapist told me I was strong once, and I laughed. How can I be strong? She thinks I've "been through a lot," but so have a lot of people, and most of them manage to face the problem, rather than hide from it by hurting themselves. That is effectively what I'm doing, I'm hiding from the problem because I'm too much of a coward to face it. I know how stupid it is of me to do it, but it always seems like a good idea. Right now, it seems like a pretty good idea. I've already done it twice this week, and already I'm getting to the stage where whenever I look at something all I can think about is the damage I could do with it.
I don't see how I can get better. I don't even know what's wrong with me, if there is anything wrong with me at all, but why would I need to get better if there's nothing wrong? I'm just going round in circles now. I can tell I might end up dissociating at some point tonight, and that probably won't end well.
Sorry, thought I'd get some of it out before I did something stupid.
Even if there is something wrong with me, I think I've hit a wall. I was starting to get better, my self harm was becoming less frequent, and they weren't as deep as they used to be. This week I've done it twice, which is a bit of a set back for me, considering I've managed 2 weeks for a while now. And the second time I did it this week, I wouldn't stop, even though I felt satisfied, I'd got my release, I wasn't freaking out, I was calm. But I wouldn't stop until I went deep enough. It was weird, I'm not sure how to explain why I wanted to go deeper. I felt pathetic, like I wasn't doing it properly, so I did, and now it's definitely going to scar. I want to do it again. I've said it before, but I want to just lose it. I don't want to stay under control anymore, my self harm keeps me in control of myself, but I don't want that. I could just do some crazy shit on my arms, that would be like losing control.
My eating has fucked up this week. I've lost about 5 or 6 pounds (The scales broke again :|), but today I just binged and binged and binged. I didn't purge though, which I'm starting to regret now, I don't even want to think about the amount of calories I've eaten.
How can I get better if there isn't anything specifically wrong with me? I haven't been diagnosed with anything, I don't have an eating disorder. My eating habits may be fucked up, but they haven't been going on long enough to count, and it's not exactly consistant either.
I just want to give up. Not to give up as in to kill myself, but to give up as in to go off the rails. I don't give a shit about my future, or what my family will think, I just want to do fuck all with my life.
But that's not true, I do care about my future. But I can't see myself getting there, I can't see myself actually being successful, I just see myself fucking it all up and developing a drinking problem, which wouldn't surprise me.
I don't want to "lose it," but it's so tempting just to see what would happen if I did, what it would feel like.
I don't even know what's going on inside my head, but I know I don't like it. I don't like the fact that all I can think about is how peaceful death must be, and how much I just want to die. I'd never do it, I don't want to kill myself, but I can't be bothered to live anymore. How pathetic and whiney does that sound?
My therapist told me I was strong once, and I laughed. How can I be strong? She thinks I've "been through a lot," but so have a lot of people, and most of them manage to face the problem, rather than hide from it by hurting themselves. That is effectively what I'm doing, I'm hiding from the problem because I'm too much of a coward to face it. I know how stupid it is of me to do it, but it always seems like a good idea. Right now, it seems like a pretty good idea. I've already done it twice this week, and already I'm getting to the stage where whenever I look at something all I can think about is the damage I could do with it.
I don't see how I can get better. I don't even know what's wrong with me, if there is anything wrong with me at all, but why would I need to get better if there's nothing wrong? I'm just going round in circles now. I can tell I might end up dissociating at some point tonight, and that probably won't end well.
Sorry, thought I'd get some of it out before I did something stupid.