Opinions? :what:

[Dunce]

Ok well the other day I decided that I would go to the doctor. I have always been way too afraid to go, and deep down when I made this decision I knew I'd change my mind, and I have.

For the past few years I've been in a really bad place, I'm not going to go into it now, I wasn't diagnosed but I felt really depressed. It started out as numbness, racing thoughts and being distant. But after about a year and a half it turned into just complete despair. Nothing was really happening in my life to trigger it, I just wasnt finding happiness anywhere. I wanted to die.

In the past few month I've been better. I'm not really myself again, but I've been happy enough. But I have this anxiety paranoia thing that has been getting in the way.

I get this feeling of dread. Like I'm going to die. The whole world seems so evil to me, I'm not ranting, it's actually really scaring me.
For example, If I hear something on the news about a murderer who killed his family I become convinced that it's going to happen to me. First, I feel extremely upset, hearing stories like that really cut me deep. They stay with me. But then I become really paranoid that it'll happen to me.
It keeps me up at night, I feel like dying, I dont eat, I'm distant for days or maybe weeks after.

It's not just stories like this that bother me though. Thinking about the future has a similar affect on me. So do conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories freak me out, not because I believe them, but because Im really paranoid. I feel afraid for myself and the whole world. Like I have the fear and despair of the whole world on my shoulders.

This all sounds really stupid, but I've had panic attacks and everything. I just cant function. I feel like I'm going crazy, I honestly act like a mental patient when I'm alone, It's torture.

Anyway, last weekend was particularly difficult. This has been going on a while, but it only REALLY got in the way of my life last weekend. I think last weekend I had a mental breakdown, and everything got 100 times worse. It was awful. The stuff I described I have felt for ages, but I'm mostly describing it from what I felt that weekend. It was triggered by a sudden confrontation with death.

I have always been especially afraid of death. Everyone is. But this really bothered me. The fear made me physically sick, and I stayed home from school because of it. And this fear of death made everything seem so sinister and gloomy and dire.

^^^^ Ok because Of all this I decided to go to the GP, just in case. I have alot of the early symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia, but I'm not going to diagnose myself, and I know it could be anything else, I just want help.

So last night my mood really lifted. I dont know why, suddenly I just let go of all the fear I felt last weekend. The fear that was literally eating me away. Guys, I was afraid to leave my house. But now I'm fine, I had a sudden realisation that I cant stop death, and If I dont fear it then it wont be scary. I just got over it.

I dont know whether I should still go to the doc. Like, before last weekend all this anxiety type stuff was there, but nothing Id go to the doctor about, you know? So if I'm back to normal now, what's the point?
I didn't think I'd get over it, but I did. People are telling me that I should go, that it doesnt matter if its over now, but it matters that it happened in the first place.

I'm afraid that if I do go things will get worse again from talking about them. I'm afraid they'll put me on meds that will only bottle up the problem and eat up my personality, plus I'll become immune and crash later in life. Also, I'm afraid I'll just get over it, and realise that what happened was only an anxious paranoid phase I had. Then another problem will come along and Ill be so used to seeking help I'll just get therapy or something instead of dealing with it myself.

The thing that made me want to go doc is gone, but the rest is still here maybe?
I'm so confused.

[kittylou]

I would still talk to your doctor - there are some physical illnesses that can lead to those kinds of symotoms, and even if it is psychological it is something that needs to be dealt with if it can impact your life that much that you don't want to leave the house.

If you can, and I know it's hard, I would still keep the appointment and talk to your doctor about how you were feeling and what (if anything) changed before/when you began to feel better again. Doctors shouldn't put you on medications for no reason and you can always discuss with them what they are putting you on and why.

Seeking out some professional counselling help may be of benefit too if it is making you that anxious. Counsellors aren't there to manage all your problems for you but help you to put in techniques to manage them yourself so you shouldn't need to worry about not being able to cope in the future. They will probably help you with anxiety management and possibly mindfulness exercises. (If you don't know what these are but want to just let me know and I can give you some websites to look at).

[Fiction]

I used to be really paranoid like that when I was younger. To the point where I used to be most of every night crying, but I was very young and I did grow out of it, i'm not sure if at age 17 the same thing would happen.

I think you should go and see the doctors though, it won't do any harm it might just mean that you have some help. If it turns out you don't need help well you won't get it, but if you do then at least you've got it... if that makes any sense.