koeshia
May 24th, 2011, 06:38 AM
So I don’t know why I’m “depressed” I would say (not this does apply to the sexuality forum...). Back in 8th grade, I was seriously saddened. I apparently was bullied and made fun of… But I don’t remember that. In fact, I don’t remember much of 8th grade… I blocked out a lot of my memories from then…
In 9th grade, I started dressing in dark colors. I didn’t consider myself “emo” but I probably looked the part, in my dark shirts and jeans. And I started cutting myself. And I contemplated killing myself. Almost everyday. I would have done it, probably, if I were as brave as I consider myself today. But that’s another story. I really got over it because of some friends, one of whom I see on occasion and the other who I’ve shared all my classes with the past 2 years.
I guess it progressively got better. I’ve had setbacks and sometimes I feel like I’ve gone backwards in my progress, but overall it’s been better.
But the recently I attended a conference. I dated some people, and thought I liked others. But it wasn’t until this conference that I truly found someone that I liked. I’m a guy. And this other person was a “guy.” And it wasn’t any physical attraction that I had before with other guys and girls. Not saying that this person was ugly, but it was a really an emotional factor, not truly a physical one that led me to liking this person. Of course, this person lives hundreds of miles away. So on the second to last day of the conference, I felt the saddest I had ever felt since 9th grade. And this guy has a girlfriend whom he’s been with for over 2 years. They’ve weathered it through being thousands of miles apart for months on end and such and I guess that just made me feel even more sad.
I guess increasingly common this school year, I’ve had sporadic periods of sadness that so far I attribute to loneliness. I have wonderful friends I would say, two girls and one guy that I feel I can almost be myself with. I say almost because I haven’t told anybody that I like guys as well. I’ve kept that well secret I guess, even from myself. I knew I was like that for a while, but I haven’t admitted it until this year. And I would say I’m bi, but I’m increasingly leaning more heavily towards guys. And that’s making me sad. I have nothing against gay people—in fact, I’m friends with many. But I’m disliking this trend I guess because of society. My school is relatively gay friendly I would say. People do say “gay” and stuff in a manner that would be disapproved by many on this forum I assume, and I admit ashamedly, I do say that in that manner too to fit in… but overall, it’s a friendly environment. But I guess I’m not ready to say that to anyone, sometimes not even myself. And liking guys just exacerbates the problem because it makes me feel even more lonely. I see guys in my classrooms and I want to have a connection with them and such but… I just don’t know how. In my child years I feel like I knew how to make friends easily and without fear. But now it’s so hard making friends with guys. Some say you can’t choose your friends and that they choose you. Is that how the phrase goes? But anyways, yah… almost all of my good friends back in middle school and elementary school used to be guys. And I would hang out with them all the time. But now I really don’t hang out with anyone. And I only have one close guy friend. I see lots of guys in my school and they hang out all the time and stuff and I feel envious and sometimes I feel like those people in the movies who are uber dramatic and fall to their knees and stick their arms out and watch either silently or yelling really loudly as people walk away from them. And it’s not that I don’t try to put myself out. I do. Sometimes it works. And many times it ends awkwardly. And that’s what I’m afraid of. Awkward situations are the worst. And right before I go to sleep, my body like automatically tries to remember all the awkward moments that have ever happened. And it sucks. But yah… it just never feels right when I try making friends with guys.
And for the guys I do make friends with… all my friends always seem to fade away. I can blame lack of communication on my part I suppose, for switching schools always tends to make this sort of thing happen I presume. And when I think about friendships lost and friendships being reformed, I notice a distinct trade imbalance, where the amount lost is greater than the amount gained. Economics. It changed my way of thinking about things. And I have tried to rekindle these friendships. It just doesn’t seem to work. And for one of them my best friend from elementary school, they became friends with my ex-gf and when we broke up, decided to chose her over me… That’s another story, I know.
And I know I shouldn’t be complaining so much, especially when there are people whose family members have suffered tragic accidents or worse. And as a valedictorian, varsity sport player, full-ride college recipient, and coming from a relatively affluent family (there is a distinct lack of parallel structure here…), many would say that I have no real reason to be sad. There must be billions of people without anyone loving them at this moment in time. Is it selfish to be this way?
I know we all experience loneliness at times and we all have ways of dealing with it. I guess I deal with it by bottling it inside. I like to say (by like to say, I really hate to say it, but it’s the terminology that I use now) that I have a façade, and I’ve let nobody inside. Even in this post I’m sure I’m hiding stuff. I can tell from the way I’m talking… If I talk relatively academically, I know I’m hiding stuff… Yah.. I’ve told only 2 people about my cutting. Someone who I thought needed it and the other was the person who I share my classes with. And I’m not even sure the happiness I display is true or fake as well. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself. And perhaps (I overanalyze… I know T_T) these sporadic periods of sadness are just my emotions poking holes through my inner container of feelings. And I know people say it’s bad to hold ur feelings in, but I just don’t have anyone to talk to.
What about my best friends? Well I know two of them are against gay marriage cuz they’ve admitted it, even if they have gay friends. I think they try to ignore that part of the person. Selective vision, just like how parents ignore their child’s sexuality (Not talking about me there. It’s from a TV show). And the other.. I just don’t talk about that sort of stuff with him. And I guess I just wish I had friends that I’ve had for a long time and not these short-length friendships which I know won’t last. And although these 3 current best friends will be going to the same college as me (a first :O), I doubt that I’ll ever reach a point in our friendship where I’ll feel comfortable enough to tell them. Not that we haven’t shared heartfelt moments before over exes and breakups. But this is a different sort of topic.
I know people say telling people that you’re gay or bi or w/e makes it easier. But I just don’t see how that works. Especially since I find myself attracted to straight guys only >.>. I read an article that said if you find urself attracted to straight guys, then you’re secretly a homophobe (if you’re a guy, of course). Totally not true. Well maybe it is. I don’t know.
I just watched Shelter, the 2007 movie (when I should have been doing my hw). It’s about a guy who has this on and off again gf and then he finds this guy who he sort of gets together with. And his family, best friend, and ex-gf somehow find out he’s gay without him telling them. It’s a really wonderful movie. But it’s way too clean-cut. And the ending is too perfect I guess.
I feel like I’m waiting for that someone to whisk me away from this loneliness. But as a pessimist on the inside and an optimist on the outside, I know this ain’t gonna happen. At least anytime soon. Or maybe it will. At least I’m hoping. I wouldn’t even know how I would search for this person, for those people who say don’t wait for something and that I should actively search for who/whatever I want. I do feel like I’m wasting my life just waiting around for something magical to happen. And at the same time I feel like I’m pretending to myself and the world when I date girls that I don’t like. Like my last gf. It was really more a matter of convenience… and I still looked at other guys and some girls at the same time… I’m a bad person.
I’m sorry about the rambling nature of this post. I guess I just had to get all my feelings out. I’ve spent an hour on this post… I don’t even care if people don’t respond because… I guess, it just feels good to put this out. And I didn’t really know where to post this… but I felt that the sexuality forum was the best place to go. I guess it really isn’t depression per se but just a giant melting pot of sexuality, confusion, loneliness, etc. There’s other stuff I haven’t talked about… but If I wrote anymore I would have to publish this in a book haha. Yah… not really funny actually.
P.S. And wow… I’ve written 4x more on this than on my research paper due tomorrow. I am pro T_T.
In 9th grade, I started dressing in dark colors. I didn’t consider myself “emo” but I probably looked the part, in my dark shirts and jeans. And I started cutting myself. And I contemplated killing myself. Almost everyday. I would have done it, probably, if I were as brave as I consider myself today. But that’s another story. I really got over it because of some friends, one of whom I see on occasion and the other who I’ve shared all my classes with the past 2 years.
I guess it progressively got better. I’ve had setbacks and sometimes I feel like I’ve gone backwards in my progress, but overall it’s been better.
But the recently I attended a conference. I dated some people, and thought I liked others. But it wasn’t until this conference that I truly found someone that I liked. I’m a guy. And this other person was a “guy.” And it wasn’t any physical attraction that I had before with other guys and girls. Not saying that this person was ugly, but it was a really an emotional factor, not truly a physical one that led me to liking this person. Of course, this person lives hundreds of miles away. So on the second to last day of the conference, I felt the saddest I had ever felt since 9th grade. And this guy has a girlfriend whom he’s been with for over 2 years. They’ve weathered it through being thousands of miles apart for months on end and such and I guess that just made me feel even more sad.
I guess increasingly common this school year, I’ve had sporadic periods of sadness that so far I attribute to loneliness. I have wonderful friends I would say, two girls and one guy that I feel I can almost be myself with. I say almost because I haven’t told anybody that I like guys as well. I’ve kept that well secret I guess, even from myself. I knew I was like that for a while, but I haven’t admitted it until this year. And I would say I’m bi, but I’m increasingly leaning more heavily towards guys. And that’s making me sad. I have nothing against gay people—in fact, I’m friends with many. But I’m disliking this trend I guess because of society. My school is relatively gay friendly I would say. People do say “gay” and stuff in a manner that would be disapproved by many on this forum I assume, and I admit ashamedly, I do say that in that manner too to fit in… but overall, it’s a friendly environment. But I guess I’m not ready to say that to anyone, sometimes not even myself. And liking guys just exacerbates the problem because it makes me feel even more lonely. I see guys in my classrooms and I want to have a connection with them and such but… I just don’t know how. In my child years I feel like I knew how to make friends easily and without fear. But now it’s so hard making friends with guys. Some say you can’t choose your friends and that they choose you. Is that how the phrase goes? But anyways, yah… almost all of my good friends back in middle school and elementary school used to be guys. And I would hang out with them all the time. But now I really don’t hang out with anyone. And I only have one close guy friend. I see lots of guys in my school and they hang out all the time and stuff and I feel envious and sometimes I feel like those people in the movies who are uber dramatic and fall to their knees and stick their arms out and watch either silently or yelling really loudly as people walk away from them. And it’s not that I don’t try to put myself out. I do. Sometimes it works. And many times it ends awkwardly. And that’s what I’m afraid of. Awkward situations are the worst. And right before I go to sleep, my body like automatically tries to remember all the awkward moments that have ever happened. And it sucks. But yah… it just never feels right when I try making friends with guys.
And for the guys I do make friends with… all my friends always seem to fade away. I can blame lack of communication on my part I suppose, for switching schools always tends to make this sort of thing happen I presume. And when I think about friendships lost and friendships being reformed, I notice a distinct trade imbalance, where the amount lost is greater than the amount gained. Economics. It changed my way of thinking about things. And I have tried to rekindle these friendships. It just doesn’t seem to work. And for one of them my best friend from elementary school, they became friends with my ex-gf and when we broke up, decided to chose her over me… That’s another story, I know.
And I know I shouldn’t be complaining so much, especially when there are people whose family members have suffered tragic accidents or worse. And as a valedictorian, varsity sport player, full-ride college recipient, and coming from a relatively affluent family (there is a distinct lack of parallel structure here…), many would say that I have no real reason to be sad. There must be billions of people without anyone loving them at this moment in time. Is it selfish to be this way?
I know we all experience loneliness at times and we all have ways of dealing with it. I guess I deal with it by bottling it inside. I like to say (by like to say, I really hate to say it, but it’s the terminology that I use now) that I have a façade, and I’ve let nobody inside. Even in this post I’m sure I’m hiding stuff. I can tell from the way I’m talking… If I talk relatively academically, I know I’m hiding stuff… Yah.. I’ve told only 2 people about my cutting. Someone who I thought needed it and the other was the person who I share my classes with. And I’m not even sure the happiness I display is true or fake as well. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself. And perhaps (I overanalyze… I know T_T) these sporadic periods of sadness are just my emotions poking holes through my inner container of feelings. And I know people say it’s bad to hold ur feelings in, but I just don’t have anyone to talk to.
What about my best friends? Well I know two of them are against gay marriage cuz they’ve admitted it, even if they have gay friends. I think they try to ignore that part of the person. Selective vision, just like how parents ignore their child’s sexuality (Not talking about me there. It’s from a TV show). And the other.. I just don’t talk about that sort of stuff with him. And I guess I just wish I had friends that I’ve had for a long time and not these short-length friendships which I know won’t last. And although these 3 current best friends will be going to the same college as me (a first :O), I doubt that I’ll ever reach a point in our friendship where I’ll feel comfortable enough to tell them. Not that we haven’t shared heartfelt moments before over exes and breakups. But this is a different sort of topic.
I know people say telling people that you’re gay or bi or w/e makes it easier. But I just don’t see how that works. Especially since I find myself attracted to straight guys only >.>. I read an article that said if you find urself attracted to straight guys, then you’re secretly a homophobe (if you’re a guy, of course). Totally not true. Well maybe it is. I don’t know.
I just watched Shelter, the 2007 movie (when I should have been doing my hw). It’s about a guy who has this on and off again gf and then he finds this guy who he sort of gets together with. And his family, best friend, and ex-gf somehow find out he’s gay without him telling them. It’s a really wonderful movie. But it’s way too clean-cut. And the ending is too perfect I guess.
I feel like I’m waiting for that someone to whisk me away from this loneliness. But as a pessimist on the inside and an optimist on the outside, I know this ain’t gonna happen. At least anytime soon. Or maybe it will. At least I’m hoping. I wouldn’t even know how I would search for this person, for those people who say don’t wait for something and that I should actively search for who/whatever I want. I do feel like I’m wasting my life just waiting around for something magical to happen. And at the same time I feel like I’m pretending to myself and the world when I date girls that I don’t like. Like my last gf. It was really more a matter of convenience… and I still looked at other guys and some girls at the same time… I’m a bad person.
I’m sorry about the rambling nature of this post. I guess I just had to get all my feelings out. I’ve spent an hour on this post… I don’t even care if people don’t respond because… I guess, it just feels good to put this out. And I didn’t really know where to post this… but I felt that the sexuality forum was the best place to go. I guess it really isn’t depression per se but just a giant melting pot of sexuality, confusion, loneliness, etc. There’s other stuff I haven’t talked about… but If I wrote anymore I would have to publish this in a book haha. Yah… not really funny actually.
P.S. And wow… I’ve written 4x more on this than on my research paper due tomorrow. I am pro T_T.