Im giving up, the war is lost.

[MadManWithaBox]

Last mental crisis post, I know I've made a lot recently. As many of you, I have cancer. And at first, I thought I was going to due. Then I got told my surivial odds are 90-10 in my favour. So I decided to fight. Then this morning, I got told it's actually less. 40-60 odds of me living. And I left the hospital. I was on the bus home. And u decided. This is it. I'm broken, I'm done. You can't win every war. And this one I'm bound to lose. So I'm giving up. Surrendering. I'm not going to cut myself. I'm not going to actively attempt suicide. In just going to hopefully, die in peace. I can't handle the treatment, only to fail.

It's just, I can't deal with the uncertainity. I'd rather leave this my life in my own terms. How bad is dying anyway? It's just... Crossing between two worlds. I'm catholic, I believe in the afterlife.

I'd rather spend my time doing things I'd like to do, than being sick, and weak, and dying anyway.

I'm not leaving much behind anyway. I mean my mum might miss me. My sister will. My friend will. But time heals all wounds, they'll forget eventually.

It's been constant fighting, for my 18 years of life. My dad. My mum. My family. The protestants in boarding school. Irish people that dont like British people. Americans who don't like British people. Chavs on my estate. And the experiences. My dad stabbing me. My dad beating me. My dad spending 11 years telling me how useless I was, and to lick my own blood off the floor. Getting raped. Beaten up. Everything else. They made me a better person. But I'm glad to leave it behind.

And thank you, all of you.

[Love.Hate]

They will never forget you Matt. They are still pretty big odds you know, why dont you try and fight it? Your not going to nessecarily die. Your chances are still quite high. Matt you have over come so much, you can beat this. You just have to believe its possible. Im not giving up on you yet, neither is anyone on here. So you shouldnt give up upon yourself. Your only 18, you have so much potential, you just dont realise it.

You need to look at the postitives, reasons to live. Not the reasons to say goodbye. I know fighting this will make you ill, but the outcome will be worth it. Matt dont give up!

I know you want to leave this crap all behind, but you have hardly lived. You deserve the best. Please hang on and dont wish yourself away just yet :heart:

[Triceratops]

Matt, I can't possibly imagine what you're going through, and I think it's safe to say that barely anyone else here does either.

Now, I think it's best to enjoy the time you have left and spend this remaining time wisely. No cutting, no depression. It's time to forget all the shit that's going on and just try to make the last months of your life the best months of your life. In this case I think you're willing to do whatever you can to have the best for yourself. I don't know your religious beliefs in full detail, but if they're anything similar to mine then afterlife is a hundred times better than life on earth. Honestly if this were me, I'd happily be leaving these wretched things behind and look forward to a new life in a better place.

Then again, there is ALWAYS that possibility that you might survive. Just hang in there and stay postive. I know it's easier said than done, but it will help a whole lot.

I wish you all the best Matt!

[MadManWithaBox]

If I don't take the treatment, I definitely die. But at 40% chance of surivial, I'm not doing it. Why fight this, with those odds. Like Marcie said, I want to have fun. Not spend my time in a hospital, or taking these pills just being sick.

[Love.Hate]

But thats still a chance. Why give up?

If your sure that you really dont want to fight this then please live your life to the best of your ability. Enjoy every last moment :heart:

[bleedoutlove]

Please don't give up, so many people need you, as Fran said you've overcome so much and you can beat this - I promise.

[Weeping]

What kind of cancer is it?

[MadManWithaBox]

Brain cancer.

[Love.Hate]

:(

*hug*

Take care Matt<3

[Weeping]

Oh.. ):

Well.. what Fran said..
If your sure that you really dont want to fight this then please live your life to the best of your ability. Enjoy every last moment :heart:

And I really wish you would take that chance, and get well..
I'm bad at this.. ._.

:hug:

[MadManWithaBox]

If it was more than 40%, I'd try, I would. I'm not a coward, it's just. Nobody can fight forever. Even Winston Churchill couldn't. And I can't.

[EarthToBryan]

Every post I have seen you make has been well thought out, influential and from a perspective of wisdom. I admire all that you have accomplished; overcoming abuse and a really rough past. You have a better chance than many, many people are ever given. To see you give up is very sad to me, when I hear that you have a reasonable chance at a full life. To give you some perspective, lung cancer has about a 15% survival rate. About 7% in liver cancer. For pancreatic cancer the survival rate is about 5%.
"Well clearly your life sucks now. And thats never good. But things always get better. Friends can come and go. Trust has to be forged, and eventually, you'll find people you feel comfortable trusting. Suicide is from experience, never the answer. You want to end it now? You'll look back at this in 2, or 3 years time, and think to yourself, god I was stupid."
Sound familiar? They are words that resonated with me and you have inspired me, with those and many others. If you are going to give up then I am happy to have had you influence my life through your posts, but I hope you reconsider this. You have a chance, a better chance than many are offered and I hope to god that you at least try. You are an awesome person and the would would be a worse place without you.

[MadManWithaBox]

I did say that :( but 40% is hardly good. And I've got to go back tomorrow, probably be even worse.

[Nevermore]

Dearest Matt,
You've helped me a lot on this site, more then you know. Just being there and talking to you really cheered me up, and I wanted you to know that. I'm so sorry that you've gone through all that. Even though I don't know you that well, I can say I love you, and I love talking to you, and if this computer wasn't seperating us right now, I'd reach out and give you the biggest hug possible because no one deserves to go through anything you've went through. You're an amazing person, regardless to whether you'll admit it or not you are amazing, strong, and just a great person. I pray that you'll get through this. I know you will I have hope, and I understand that you don't want to get sick. But no matter what the outcome is Matt stay strong, stay brave. <3 Because you'll get through this no matter what happens. Whether tomorrow you're going to die, or next week, it doesn't matter. You'll get through this. And don't if you need someone to talk to I"m here for you. <3 Don't ever forget us. I'll never forget you, and I can promise you that. Matt you've made an impact on my life. Honestly you have. You're so brave and strong. You've put up with a lot over the years and survived! Now I'm praying you survive this too. <3333 Matt I love you stay strong. <3

[Love.Hate]

I'll never forget you, and I can promise you that. Matt you've made an impact on my life. Honestly you have. You're so brave and strong. You've put up with a lot over the years and survived! Now I'm praying you survive this too. <3333 Matt I love you stay strong. <3

This!

You have helped so many people Matt, and you mean the world to us.
Never forget that! <3

[EarthToBryan]

This!

You have helped so many people Matt, and you mean the world to us.
Never forget that! <3

I hope that after all you have gone through to get here, you will give treatment a go.

How did the doctor go yesterday?

[MadManWithaBox]

I didn't go =( I know it was stupid. But I panicked, and I couldn't face going in.

[RadiantBlood]

I don't know you well, but I respect your decision. Just remember to be strong, and to have fun with whatever time you have left. Brain cancer sucks. But i'm praying for you, that whatever time you have left you will enjoy.

Be strong Matt :) you can do it

[EarthToBryan]

If you have made your final decision, which is yours alone to make, I respect that. All of us here are going to miss you, Matt. I hope you can make the absolute most out of the time you have left.
I remembered that one of my favorite webcomic writers had recently done something that related to this that I hope can make you smile a bit- http://theoatmeal.com/blog/cancer
Brain cancer is a freaking terrible thing, but I hope with all my heart that you can get through it like you did everything else.