Magenta
May 22nd, 2011, 10:01 PM
Another mental crisis post. God, I'm so weak and pathetic. This is ridiculous. I promise after this, I won't post anymore.
I no longer like Sam and it hurts. I still have his watch. He let me keep it so I'd feel better. All I feel is hurt.
Let me explain.
I met Sam a year ago. It took awhile to admit we liked each other and we went out on and off. He is now my ex-boyfriend. For awhile, I liked Ben, a close friend. I told him even though he had a girlfriend simply because it hurt too much to keep it a secret and obviously I was rejected. I went back to Sam and, shortly after, Ben and I got into a huge fight and didn't speak.
Recently, Ben came back into my life. The feelings for Sam faded. I haven't seen him since I got out of the psych ward. I can't. He seems less and less understanding. Ben and my best friend encouraged me to see him one more time but I decided not to.
Instead, I like Ben again. A lot. He's dating a different girl so obviously I won't tell him again. I was humiliated the first time and won't go through that again. I'm scared that I'm leaving behind Sam's love (he told me he'd always wait for me even if maybe it's not true) and I'm making a mistake. But Sam has never touched me other than a brief kiss or hug. Ben has spent nights on msn helping me with first aid when I cut, curled up and held me for at least half an hour when I broke down and sobbed at his house and genuinely checks up on me. Sam is wonderful in different ways but... I'm so torn.
The reason I posted this here is because I honestly wonder why I'm living. People may think it's silly to be this upset over two boys. But I need the physical affection. Most people shy away from me as if I'm crazy and it makes me feel worthless. I've never told Sam that's how he sometimes makes me feel. I don't know why this is happening. I shouldn't be contemplating why I'm living and be ready to break down in tears at any moment over this. But sometimes it feels like these little things are all my life is worth anymore. I get so jealous seeing my best friend with her girlfriend or Ben with his girlfriend. Having someone like that... This post is so silly but I can just feel all of my happiness slipping away.
This is going to cause me to spiral and relapse into everything. God, it seems so fucking stupid yet it's so important. I can't deal with this depression anymore. I can't take it. I've had my serious highs but I can't take these lows anymore. I can't do it. What's the point of liking someone so much if I hate myself and keep fucking up? I want someone to love me so badly. I don't love myself, they don't love me, I hate myself more.
Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself.
EDIT: I'm actually very scared about any replies I'm going to get on this. People saying this doesn't qualify as a mental crisis, calling my superficial, that I only need a boyfriend to feel wanted (for the record, I put more effort into other people than myself so if I "like" someone, I'm dead serious), that I'm a bitch, etc. Rather terrified. It was hard enough posting this. I feel like it's- I'm - a waste of space.
I no longer like Sam and it hurts. I still have his watch. He let me keep it so I'd feel better. All I feel is hurt.
Let me explain.
I met Sam a year ago. It took awhile to admit we liked each other and we went out on and off. He is now my ex-boyfriend. For awhile, I liked Ben, a close friend. I told him even though he had a girlfriend simply because it hurt too much to keep it a secret and obviously I was rejected. I went back to Sam and, shortly after, Ben and I got into a huge fight and didn't speak.
Recently, Ben came back into my life. The feelings for Sam faded. I haven't seen him since I got out of the psych ward. I can't. He seems less and less understanding. Ben and my best friend encouraged me to see him one more time but I decided not to.
Instead, I like Ben again. A lot. He's dating a different girl so obviously I won't tell him again. I was humiliated the first time and won't go through that again. I'm scared that I'm leaving behind Sam's love (he told me he'd always wait for me even if maybe it's not true) and I'm making a mistake. But Sam has never touched me other than a brief kiss or hug. Ben has spent nights on msn helping me with first aid when I cut, curled up and held me for at least half an hour when I broke down and sobbed at his house and genuinely checks up on me. Sam is wonderful in different ways but... I'm so torn.
The reason I posted this here is because I honestly wonder why I'm living. People may think it's silly to be this upset over two boys. But I need the physical affection. Most people shy away from me as if I'm crazy and it makes me feel worthless. I've never told Sam that's how he sometimes makes me feel. I don't know why this is happening. I shouldn't be contemplating why I'm living and be ready to break down in tears at any moment over this. But sometimes it feels like these little things are all my life is worth anymore. I get so jealous seeing my best friend with her girlfriend or Ben with his girlfriend. Having someone like that... This post is so silly but I can just feel all of my happiness slipping away.
This is going to cause me to spiral and relapse into everything. God, it seems so fucking stupid yet it's so important. I can't deal with this depression anymore. I can't take it. I've had my serious highs but I can't take these lows anymore. I can't do it. What's the point of liking someone so much if I hate myself and keep fucking up? I want someone to love me so badly. I don't love myself, they don't love me, I hate myself more.
Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself.
EDIT: I'm actually very scared about any replies I'm going to get on this. People saying this doesn't qualify as a mental crisis, calling my superficial, that I only need a boyfriend to feel wanted (for the record, I put more effort into other people than myself so if I "like" someone, I'm dead serious), that I'm a bitch, etc. Rather terrified. It was hard enough posting this. I feel like it's- I'm - a waste of space.