Hateful Hitting.

[Indecision]

So it's been, er, just over a week since I last cut now.
And I guess i'm over cutting. I know, people'll say it's too soon to say, but I really am.

And I've had a good few days, actually. Won some Cross Country, met up with some old and new friends, everything's been good. Apart from when i'm alone.

When i'm alone I think of the past. All the conversations i've had with people, and how much of a bitch I was. I never want to be reminded of it, but for no random reason, I was going through all my old texts and chat messages from January-November. I made myself cry. I hate myself. I was so big headed, sucking in compliments like some compliment-sucking thing. And I hate myself now. I hate going out the house unless I look the littlest bit okay i.e Hair straightened, make-up to cover up all the sadness, good clothes. And this makes me sound two faced, but I hate going out otherwise. I hate my family seeing me in the morning. It makes me want to cry. If I met myself along the street I would be my own worst enemy. Wow.

Anyway, back to point. I was looking at how much of a bitch I was. I was riding my pony out the other day and I dismounted sat in the grass and in complete tears I was hitting myself, hitting myself so hard it bruised. Hitting myself 'cause I can't believe how horrible I am to people. How i'm so un-appreciative I am for people. I hit myself so hard I've bruised both my hand and badly bruised my leg. Now how am I supposed to get over this!? :(

[Fiction]

I've done similar. I managed to destroy all the ligaments in one of my wrists about a year ago from hitting it, and when I've ran away from hospital and school I almost always ended up hitting myself or hitting myself against things, so you're not the only one who does this.

I guess for me once the situation I was in was over I stopped. After my overdose things got a lot worse and this caused me to do a lot of these things. I guess you just have to think it all out. Once you've thought of something for long enough you stop thinking about it, you do get over things it just takes time.

Basically what i'm saying is give yourself time, this may just be a process you have to go through in order to get better eventually. :)

[Spook]

I've rewritten this post 3 times...I just can't find the words. I was going to say...It's going to get better, just stop hurting yourself...shit like that. But after saying that to about a billion people on VT in the self harm section and seeing them just get worse, I don't know what to say...well, let's start off...from the beginning.

Birth. This is the beginning. God brought you to the world. If he didn't want you here...you wouldn't be here. Everyone is on Earth for a reason.

Self harm. I know...you think that you are a horrible person, and you think have done so many wrongs, and you cut to ease the pain, but look. You're. Still. Here. You are still with us, Katie, you are alive for a reason. You have a purpose. You don't deserve the pain you inflict, because, truthfully, you are NOT a bad person, and I don't know how you could ever think that. You are beautiful...a beautiful person. If you talk to people...all of your friends...all of the people you had talked to...and explain to them about what you were going through, you can build back your relationships.

Like I have said so many times before, it's easier said than done. But we're gonna do it anyways. First of all, you should contact the people you love. You need to show them the true side of you, unpained. They do not want to see you get hurt, either.

Self harm is never the answer. You were given life...a body...the most precious, priceless gift you can ever get. Why would you want to hurt that gift?

~Animal Luverrr (Caitlin)