Been through so much... I'm freaking out. Can barely breath.

[Magenta]

I've been through so much that I'm only recently figuring out what is really going on. I've been through so many stages of trying to find ways to cope and feeling different ways but there are some consistencies and they're starting to take their toll.

I categorized my feelings by colours and names. Literally, I named the "parts of myself". They're all me, I know this, but I have to have organization. I need things so that I can refer to them later. If I don't I go insane. I panic and can't think straight. So many things have to be certain ways or I panic. God, it takes such a toll. Sometimes I'm not even aware of WHAT needs to be a certain way just that it does, whatever it is.

My moods have been so strange. I'm sick of the cycling. I'm sick of spending anywhere from three days to several weeks so low I want to die. Where everything is miserable and can't get any worse. The times where I stay curled in my bed, sleep too much and don't want to get up because life is not worth living, no one likes me and I'm worthless. My "Depression" playlist on my iPod comforts me and it's not even happy music. This is Victoria. (I once tried to change my name to Victoria when I was really depressed so it seems suitable.) I'm Victoria when I'm like this. I'm still me but that is the name that suits me better. Again, organization. Has to be that way. That's what I'm like now. I want to slice my body into little bits and hope the pain bleeds away. This is my "blue" phase.

And I don't know when I'll wake up as Jocelyn. Jocelyn, my birth name, the happy girl every knows and likes. The girl who jumps around and is hyperactive and cheerful and over-productive WITHOUT acting like I do in my blue Victoria phases. I feel like I can do anything. Like I can save the world. I spend a couple days (not usually more than three but I lose track of time so maybe a week?) thinking of ways to raise awareness for things, planning to start charity campaigns, planning my future career, overachieving in class and going out of my way to do everything for people. I'm "white" and ready to face the world and recover... but I know what's coming. It happens every time. I start planning insanely but never execute my plans because I crash into the blue. I cut while happy and white because it makes the crashes easier. I FORCE myself to be upset and sad because maybe the crashes will be okay.

The depression comes more often. I'm blue most of the time. The whites are scary because that's not how I am. I'm not used to being Jocelyn. I know when I'm Jocelyn I will inevitably crash again. I've always been like this. When I was younger, before everything spiraled out of control, I spent days thinking life was wonderful then days hating myself. I know I won't get better because I've always been like this.

But then I wonder if I'm making this all up. I don't have much memory of things. If anything, my memories are "snapshots" my mind has put together to fill in the blanks. Is any of this what's really what's going on or just another coping mechanism? More obsessive organization? Place my moods all in one clump, then cycle to the next clump, then sometimes fall into the second most often (after the blue) "grey" clumps where I'm happy and productive yet the depression still lurks at the back of my mind until I feel sort of numb and I'm not sure how I should be feeling so I move through the day as best I can, not sure how I should be acting according to my indecisive feelings.

God, I'm so confused. I see my psych next Tuesday. I want to talk to her so badly. It'll be my first meeting with her. But I can't stand this. I can't stand knowing I'm never going to be better and I'm crazy. I can't stand knowing how unstable I am and just as I get better, I inevitably crash again. My relationship with my boyfriend is on and off (currently off) because I always cycle through my moods and can't hold up our relationship long enough with all of this. I can rarely control my moods. I can try to force myself to be white and maybe it will last for a half hour or maybe I can enjoy something for a bit but it sinks so quickly. When I'm white, I can make myself sad but the optimism is always there. One dominates the other. I can't keep my mind straight.

Lately, I'm not sure how I should be feeling. It's a mix of blue and grey. I'm trying to push away any extreme feelings and just focus on LIVING.

I want to give up. I want to just surrender to moving through each interval of five minutes as best I can. I can't just die. I wouldn't be able to. But I want to give up.

...that was long.

[anonymous53]

Relax. You said you see the psych soon. Maybe they can help you. Like you said. Just focus on living. Just when you see the psych be completely open with them :) You can do it.

Maybe you should lay off extra stress factors so you can just handle yourself.

[Magenta]

I try. I prolly shouldn't worry about my ex-boyfriend as much as I do except I really love him. However, that is it's own whole issue.

Lying in bed, shaking. My blade is in it's case under my bed. I keep fantasizing about taking it to my wrists for good but I know I won't do it. Still, I can almost feel it. I'm so tired but my mind is racing too much. I wish it was already next Tuesday.

I don't feel much confidence in my psych though. They won't diagnose me. They say I'm too young but I'm almost 16. I don't want a label but if it has a name, it can be treated. Currently I'm on medications that don't work. My last psych said it was just a depression and it would go away, stuffed me with pills, told my parents they were bad parents and closed his notes on me. He kicked me out of a session once while I was trying to get him to answer my questions. I don't hold much hope for this new one who works with my old one.

I can't seem to calm down. My whole body hurts right now. No one I know is online to help me which is why I'm posting here.

[anonymous53]

...That psych is absolutely horrible.... I'd suggest the one here, but I think coming to the United States would be a pain just for a psych.
I hate the ones that just try to stuff you with pills and send you on your way. Maybe this one will try harder.

Cutting isn't worth it :) :hug:
If you want to PM message me.

[Alexithymia]

It -was- long, but it was also explanatory.

See your psych. Talk to your psych. Talk about everything. Have they told you that you don't have DID? Well, then okay. Another for of a dissociative disorder might be possible.

You might also want to see about bipolar disorder. While normally the cycles are shorter (about a week, I think?) they can be a few weeks. From what I know.

Also, calm down. Another thing that it could be is just hormonal imbalance. I've heard it could happen in the teen ages, but not sure.

I'm not sure what else to say at the moment, but I hope this helps a bit.

[Magenta]

I'm not sure why I'm freaking out so much. At first it was because no one I knew was online but I see you got my email. No one will tell me what is wrong with me. I'm just feeling so little control now. I'm letting my head do whatever it wants. I'm still pretty high functioning on the outside but on the inside I'm a mess.

I know it's not DID. Jocelyn and Victoria are just a good way for me to organize things. At first I thought they might be other people but they're both me. It just makes it easier for me to keep the organization so I don't panic. Just sometimes I associate better to one name in types of situations.

My head hurts so much right now.

Also, while hormones do play a part in everything (which is why I don't blame you for mentioning it), I don't think that really is playing a huge factor right now.

[Alexithymia]

Mmk. I'm not the best expert on psychological stuff, so you -should- talk to your psych about this. Until then, just try and remain calm.

Whenever it feels like it's getting -too- chaotic in your mind, take a breather. Just close your eyes sort out the big stuff and the little stuff can just go into the back of your mind. If you're in school, ask to go to the bathroom or nurse.

If your thoughts are racing, try this instead. It's what I do. :) Calm down, and follow the biggest thought. (The one that keeps on coming back.) Think about that, and only that. Other thoughts might pop into your head, but unless they're vital to thinking about (meaning you couldn't just substitute something), don't worry about them.

You've probably heard both of these before, but I just want to make sure. While you can't specifically get tested for a disorder at this age, the psychs can help with anxiety if that's a problem.

I hope this helped, and if you -ever- need me, you have my email.

[Magenta]

Everything right now is absolutely wonderful. I remember being upset last night and for the last week or so but I can't remember why. I've spent the entire day seeing everything as being absolutely perfect. Seriously, I want to run around and tell everyone how great things are. And if they don't agree, I sort of want to bite their heads off. o__o

Little part of my brain is thinking "Fuck...".

Now I'm going to go bounce around in a strange state of bliss I can't seem to shake.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

the nights are harder than the days i can't give more advise but i want you to know im still here for you and i'm still your friend jojo

[Syvelocin]

The part I'm going to draw more comparisons from my own life from is probably the part you're most confused on (I'm guessing. Oddly, this always seems to be the case...)

I've never deliberately named different parts of me. They were always other people. But each one, I envied. I wanted to be like them. For instance, I had one who was two years older than me. At the time, I was really into the Japanese culture. And this girl was a beautiful, graceful, Japanese girl. I was into everything about it. I started learning the language, I watched movies, I tried any of the food I could. But there was this girl that was a part of me, who I pretended to be sometimes, who I called Sayuri.

None of the stuff I experience now is quite like that. Now, I just imagine other people who will be there for me, unlike a lot of people in my life. So I've created dozens of people, who provided myself with a social life when I was being a total hermit, revelling in my self-loathing and depression.

But it isn't DID. And professionals have made that mistake with me in the past. Because I would purposefully remove myself from the person I was pretending to be, so it looked a lot like it, but the blackouts I experienced didn't match up. You don't have DID.

You'll be surprised though, alter-egos and alternate realities are more common than you'd imagine. They'll vary in intensity, from just a game to play to pass the time, stage personas, putting on the full mask and acting like them though knowing very well it isn't real and not having a dependency on it, and immersing yourself in it, sometimes getting confused to what parts are real and what parts are fake. Not quite full psychosis, but as my psychologist says, "flirting with psychosis." If they feel real enough, but they don't completely think for themselves without your input, I'd probably call what you experience alter-egos. That's what it sounds like to me at least.

The only thing is the organization, that leads me to think it might be purely for that reason. I don't quite do that, like I said, with naming the different parts, but there are a lot of things that just need to be under my control otherwise I feel vulnerable, or I completely lose it. It's a bit of a predicament. I have to control the situations I'm in, control arguments. Control every part of my life. Some things are a little less guarded, but others, it's disaster when my control is taken away from me. Oddly enough, I feel that's why I like hospitals though. I have no control in there.

Anyway. As for your doctor, I'd probably see him one more time just to see how it goes. First sessions can be a little unsatisfying sometimes, I've found. But he doesn't sound perfect.

Now, they're not going to diagnose you, Jo. Anxiety disorder might be up for grabs. Maybe disociative disorders they'd be okay with as well. But personality and mood disorders, probably not. Know that. I believe what that concerns is the highs and lows? BPD is difficult to diagnose, because a lot of teenagers have the symptoms without having the disorder. BPD is most often diagnosed in older patients, when they outgrow the teenage mindsets and behaviours. Same with bipolar disorder, except kids are often diagnosed as well, but most doctors WILL NOT diagnose a kid bipolar unless they have a bipolar parent, as I'm told. That's why my psychologist is quite set on my bipolar disorder, and seems to think that while I show some signs of schizophrenia, that I'm not, because my mum is bipolar.

Honestly though, Jo, that last post sounds a LOT like full mania. I would very much advise looking for a different doctor who could give a second opinion. Describe it exactly how you did in that post.

That was, as well, long. I don't think I've written that much as an advice, response post o.O

[Magenta]

Haha. That was a "Rith Response". :P Your responses on my posts are always rather long but it helps.

And I did get diagnosed with social anxiety disorder as well as generalized anxiety.

My last psych, I've seen many times since February and while I was an inpatient. He honestly said it was just depression. But I rarely paid attention to the highs. I thought it was just because I was unused to feeling happy because I'd been so obsessed with the depression. I once had a really bad three day high where I literally could not feel ANYTHING other than complete utter joy. I thought it was a medication side effect.

I've been mood-swingy for awhile. For the last couple years, I've always been depressed or really happy for no reason, intriggered. I was talking to my ex last night and he was trying to figure out why being this "high" bothered me. On one hand, I don't care because I want to bounce around and dance and he likes this side of me more than the depressed one but at the same time, it's freaky because between when I fell asleep Sunday night and around when I got up, nothing surrounding me changed.

I'm angry I can't get a diagnosis. Usually I'd be upset and feeling like I'm not worth knowing what's wrong, but now I'm just mad. I know something's wrong. My parents know something's wrong. My parents are on my side and don't think it's right not to diagnose someone because of age. When I was young, I was growing way too fast and I acted more like an older kid than my age. I still do. All my friends are adults- I can't function around teenagers. The doctor said it was likely something where my brain is telling me I'm two years older (so currently 18) than I really am (I don't know the details, I was maybe 5). A psychiatrist likely wouldn't care but it frustrates me. I am NOT a kid.

I am seeing the outpatient psych, a completely new one. I am writing exactly how I feel down in a notebook then I will give it to her.

[Syvelocin]

I'm angry I can't get a diagnosis. Usually I'd be upset and feeling like I'm not worth knowing what's wrong, but now I'm just mad. I know something's wrong. My parents know something's wrong. My parents are on my side and don't think it's right not to diagnose someone because of age. When I was young, I was growing way too fast and I acted more like an older kid than my age. I still do. All my friends are adults- I can't function around teenagers. The doctor said it was likely something where my brain is telling me I'm two years older (so currently 18) than I really am (I don't know the details, I was maybe 5). A psychiatrist likely wouldn't care but it frustrates me. I am NOT a kid.

I am seeing the outpatient psych, a completely new one. I am writing exactly how I feel down in a notebook then I will give it to her.

Professionals, like all treatment as well as meds, therapies, etc. take a lot of trial and error to find the one that works for you. And when you meet him/her, you'll know you've found the right one. You have to find one who is also on your side. Maybe someone who can relate to you a bit. There are many, many, many professionals out there, you just have to keep trying them.

Having gone through almost a year of psych classes, I do understand why doctors would be reluctant to diagnose kids. But since you really experience this, I think it's a matter of finding the professional who IS on your side, and sees there's more to it than meets the eye.

And, I like that. "Rith Response." :P

[Magenta]

Okay. Thanks, Rith. I'll give the new one a chance. *hugs*

[JunkBondTrader]

I thought it was just because I was unused to feeling happy because I'd been so obsessed with the depression. I once had a really bad three day high where I literally could not feel ANYTHING other than complete utter joy. I thought it was a medication side effect.

This does actually happen. It's a mental state called euthymia common in chronically depressed people in which they're so unused to not being depressed that they succumb to something which is often mistaken for a hypomanic episode.

But, from what you've said, this isn't euthymia. Your highs are much too frequent. It is frustrating not having a diagnosis but as Rith said, doctors are often unwilling to diagnose a lot of things in people under a certain age and frankly, they have their reasons. Once something's been diagnosed, especially when it comes to psychiatric conditions, it follows you around for the rest of your life. They just want to make sure.

That said, your current shrink sounds extremely unhelpful. See the new one, and keep positive about it because it really could help you out. Few things are totally untreatable and once you get into the mindset in which you think you'll never get better, you get into a negative cycle, and, in my experience, that's when things invariably get worse. I'm a depressive and a drinker. But the time when I really hit rock bottom, started drinking uncontrollably, was when I was told by a psychiatrist that I was dependent on alcohol.

I'm not accusing you of being an alcoholic here, not at all, I'm not even suggesting you drink. But I'd like to make clear that although they're totally unrelated conditions, the mentality surrounding them is very much the same. So, although it's hard, keep in mind that you're not incurable, things can be done to help, even if you have to wait a couple of years for a diagnosis and in that time, if things really get tough, tell someone, just spill it all out and if worst comes to worst, they can help you out when you need it most.

Sorry for the wall of text. I know I'm late on this too. Just wanted to add my two cents.

Hope all works out. :)

[Magenta]

Thank you, Felix. It's good to hear everyone's take, late or not.

I've decided for sure to keep a daily journal just of things that could help my new psych. Seeing as she works in the same ward as my last one, she will have my file but this may speed things up, whatever "things" may be. :)

Thanks for the support. It means a ton to hear from people.