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Magenta
May 16th, 2011, 03:06 PM
...that I have to lose weight. A lot of it. I absolutely must. Everyday, I look in the mirror and I see how tight my clothes have gotten. I see the numbers on the scale go up, up, up. 115, 120, 125, 130... I have to get to 100. I can't keep going to the fridge and hear my thoughts screaming: "You're getting so fat!!!"

Every time I eat, I know the calories are adding up, even if I don't know the exact numbers. I've had maybe 1000 today and it makes me cringe.

I'm scared. I was doing okay. I had been eating normally but I felt the guilt every minute. A friend once told me I had an eating disorder. I didn't believe her. Now I do. There are days when everything revolves around not eating or eating the least amount of calories possible. There are days where it's just a massive binge and then I have to starve to get rid of it. I have to get out on my bike or go for a run and I have to overwork myself because I have to make up for the binging.

Now I've injured my foot and I can't run. I'm tempted to go for a run anyway no matter how much it hurts. I'm completely collapsing again into the whole eating disorder and self harm addiction thing.

Just a rant, I guess.

EDIT: My dad recently bought me these chocolate things. I really want to eat them but I know I should just throw them out. If I eat them, I can't eat for a day at all. I've tried to purge but I just can't do it.
HandheldOutlaw
May 16th, 2011, 05:40 PM
I'm really sorry about all of this, and I hope you feel better soon.
I completely understand all of the pressure you feel. I am currently in recovery, and trying so hard not to relapse. It's difficult, but you can do it. We're all here for you. <3 take care.
Magenta
May 16th, 2011, 07:38 PM
I feel sick after I eat. I feel like I'm gaining weight as I swallow. My chest hurts right now and all I can think is that I have to eat less. I don't even know how those are related. I ate a bunch of my chocolates and I'm scared to check the scale. I've been having panic attacks all evening. :(
Love.Hate
May 17th, 2011, 04:30 AM
I feel sick after I eat. I feel like I'm gaining weight as I swallow. My chest hurts right now and all I can think is that I have to eat less. I don't even know how those are related. I ate a bunch of my chocolates and I'm scared to check the scale. I've been having panic attacks all evening. :(

I know what this feels like. What about not checking the scales?

You know all the risks with purging.. so im not going to moan at you. But its really no good. You will loose weight, but then gain in straight away by just having a normal day of eating. Your body will go into starvation mode and reserve everything you eat and turn it into fat.

If you want to loose weight do it the healthy way. Like running, as you mentioned that :)

A goal of 100 is low you do realise, how tall are you?

Be careful and loose it the right way.
Magenta
May 17th, 2011, 06:05 AM
I'm 5'6". It's not that low.
Spook
May 17th, 2011, 08:38 AM
Go to this website. This is where I went when I was worried about my weight. It calculates if you are a healthy weight by a combination of your height and weight.

http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/obesity/l/bl_amifat_quiz.htm
User Deleted
May 17th, 2011, 09:25 AM
I'm 5'6". It's not that low.

I'm like 5'7 ish and weigh 160 lbs. Either I'm obese, or 100 lbs is light. I know I'm fat but 60 lbs is a major difference.
Magenta
May 17th, 2011, 10:56 AM
Today, I've planned that I will have had about 540 calories all day. Maybe 600. That's all I can handle.
Fiction
May 17th, 2011, 11:29 AM
100lb and 5" 6 is very low Jo. I'm 5"4 and I weigh 105lb and I'm underweight according to my BMI, so you at that weight would be very low.

Take a picture of yourself, I don't know I find it easier to see what other people see when i'm looking from the outside, it might make you realise how skinny you really are.
Magenta
May 17th, 2011, 03:17 PM
I'm trying to look at it from a my perspective when I'm trying to give someone else advice on this forum but I just can't seem to think about it the same way for myself. I definitely ate more than 600 (less than 1000 hopefully) today and I'm already starting to feel sick.

I have pictures from when I was skinny. I can't take any other photos and see them in a good light anymore. :/

I'm just so ready to give up with trying to be healthy. The control over my eating and the feeling accomplished when I've not eaten more than my daily calorie quota feels better than not having any control over anything. Sadly, my only controls are self-destructive.