I'm scared

[Fiction]

Okay so i've almost fully relapsed. I say almost because i'm not there yet. I'm still eating more than I was at my worse. I'm still eating around 1000 calories a day, compared to about 500 at my worst.

I've lost 6lb in the last 6 days, i'm not even sure how i managed that. I still feel horrible though. Like i'm still 10lb what I was at my lowest. My aim has always been to get to 90lb. I'm 105lb at the moment and I was 95lb at my lowest. I'm 5"4. I'm not that skinny as you can see.

It scares me because I can't control my thoughts. Last night I was lying in bed and my head was planning how to start the 2468 diet. It kept planning it, including what I would eat each day and it scared me because I couldn't stop it. That sounds somewhat insane but I really couldn't.

I take photos.. so that I can see how much i've lost etc. I took one last night that scared me. It made me feel sick, my ribs where sticking out far too much, but I still don't feel that skinny. It doesn't feel like it was me. It can't be me, my weight doesn't match up to being skinny. Or is that just my disorder talking? I can never be sure anymore.

All this confusion, and not being able to control it is really scaring me. My boyfriend and one of my closest friends are trying to persuade me to get help. It scares me. I've told my counsellor about my eating problems before and he pretty much ignored it. Does that mean I don't have a problem? It scares me so much that i'm just making it up. That it's nothing really. I don't know. I don't want to be confused anymore.

Sorry that was a rant :/

[BrokenXPaperXDolls]

awwwww calm down and relax. i understand how u feel as iv been having round the same amount and despretly wanting to lose weight i think about it all the time and i havnt had a relapse in ages so its scary. you dont weigh alot for your height so please be carefull. your phycologist dont sound very good no offence. sorry im realy bad at cheering people up but im here if u wanna talk. you should listen to your boyfriend and friend they just want the best for you.

[Love.Hate]

Im going to be blunt about this, yes you do have a problem. Just because you had a sh*t counsellor that didn't notice the severity of your disorder doesn't mean that you dont have one. Aaron is right, you should really go and get help. You know how bad dieting is, and you dont need to diet! You proved that to yourself with the picture. Its not healthy to loose weight so dramatically, you are the skinny person you see in the picture. She is only going to get thinner, more frail, have bad skin, (even more heart problems) etc.. if you dont get help. Kathy its not worth it.

You are beautiful and dont need to change :heart:

[Fiction]

Thanks both of you, I just got my best friend to tell me I don't have an eating disorder, pretty sure I don't need help now but thanks anyway :)

[georgiamay]

Thanks both of you, I just got my best friend to tell me I don't have an eating disorder, pretty sure I don't need help now but thanks anyway :)

Kathy, we both know that you're just kidding yourself. You know that you have a problem. If you read a post like that from someone else, you'd tell them that they had a problem and needed help.

[Kaius]

Kath.. Well, I think Fran and Georgia said it all really. You know how much you mean to us, and we wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you if we didn't think we had cause to. I don't want to see you get worse, I really don't. Its horrible to watch.. It really is. I know i can't force you and you know I won't but I'd do anything for you to get some help.

[Fiction]

Kathy, we both know that you're just kidding yourself. You know that you have a problem. If you read a post like that from someone else, you'd tell them that they had a problem and needed help.

That's the thing though, I guess I know it's not normal but if my best friend can't see it, it's obviously not that bad? And I don't know I don't think i'd have ever be able to make myself that skinny, however hard I try i'd never end up really skinny, nowhere near anywhere dangerous so what's the point in getting help? Perhaps it isn't normal but it's probably just a phase that nothing will come of.

Kath.. Well, I think Fran and Georgia said it all really. You know how much you mean to us, and we wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you if we didn't think we had cause to. I don't want to see you get worse, I really don't. Its horrible to watch.. It really is. I know i can't force you and you know I won't but I'd do anything for you to get some help.

I know i'm sorry, but I don't know, you don't see what I eat, you don't know what I eat and I guess.. I don't know. Sorry :/

[FullyAlive]

That's the thing though, I guess I know it's not normal but if my best friend can't see it, it's obviously not that bad? And I don't know I don't think i'd have ever be able to make myself that skinny, however hard I try i'd never end up really skinny, nowhere near anywhere dangerous so what's the point in getting help? Perhaps it isn't normal but it's probably just a phase that nothing will come of.

You know this isn't a phase, it's been months sure you recovered for a while quite a long while actually but the thoughts were still there. Do you really honestly think that this is a phase? Cause it's a pretty long one let's be honest.

You don't think you can make yourself that skinny? Well that's a lie. You already are, you don't need to make yourself thinner. You already are getting to a dangerous point, you do need help. Please?
I love you but I need you to get help, remember our deal? I could print screen it if you don't!

I know you wish you that you didn't have an ED and still sometimes reckon you don't but deep down inside you know you do. You know you need some more support.

:hug: Xx

[Fiction]

Oh no Louise don't print screen it! ;)

Yeah i'm going on Friday, but i'm just saying I don't think I need it, i'm doing it because of our deal. :/

[Triceratops]

You need to seek help urgently. You do have a serious problem, and most counsellors (and just people in general) don't know shit about anything. Get yourself to a GP and ask them to refer you to a professional who actually knows what they're dealing with.

90 lbs isn't healthy and it's even unhealthier to aim for that. Major hair loss, bad skin, gross teeth, etc isn't pretty, and neither are protruding bones.

If you keep living in denial, then you're set to keep on digging yourself a deeper hole. Before you know it, all the physical and mental problems you're facing now will be over ten times worse in about a few years time.

[Fiction]

You need to seek help urgently. You do have a serious problem, and most counsellors (and just people in general) don't know shit about anything. Get yourself to a GP and ask them to refer you to a professional who actually knows what they're dealing with.

90 lbs isn't healthy and it's even unhealthier to aim for that. Major hair loss, bad skin, gross teeth, etc isn't pretty, and neither are protruding bones.

If you keep living in denial, then you're set to keep on digging yourself a deeper hole. Before you know it, all the physical and mental problems you're facing now will be over ten times worse in about a few years time.

I guess but I doubt i'll ever manage to get to 90lb, and I may have been 95lb once but i'm not anymore.

I'm going on Friday anyway, we'll see what they say.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[rissa-_-]

darling, from my point of view, you're skinny! you weigh less than me. sometimes i wish i could weigh 105. i'm almost there but i don't plan to lose anymore weight. so be happy about your weight :)

[Fiction]

darling, from my point of view, you're skinny! you weigh less than me. sometimes i wish i could weigh 105. i'm almost there but i don't plan to lose anymore weight. so be happy about your weight :)

It's hard to be happy about it when you know if you'd just stuck at it you could be 90 by now.. :/

[Love.Hate]

Yes Kath but 90 isnt healthy.

Im glad your going to get help, im proud of you for doing that.
Good luck and tell them everthing :) <3

[Fiction]

Thanks Fran :)