What's the point?

[Magenta]

Why am I still here? Why am I feeling better? And even more importantly, why am I hurting myself because I feel better? I shouldn't be having happy moments. I like my depressed moments. They are me. They are who I am. I'm not meant to be happy. If I was, I'd stop fucking up everything and making a complete arse of myself with people I care about.

I can get my blade. I promised I'd stop cutting my arms because my school's summer uniform shows them but my legs are fine. I haven't cut for awhile. I didn't keep track but my last cuts are fully healed. It's been too long and part of me says that's not okay. The same part that says eating again isn't okay. Mostly mentioning that because my ED is sort of like SH as well as the typical ED reasons.

I'm home alone all night. I keep panicking. I just want to cut. Not sure why I'm posting anyway. I'm going to even if people say not to... Ranting, I guess?

Edit: Scared now. Cut deep on my thigh and in the back of my lower leg I keep feeling this bubbling/muscle spasm/twitching feeling. Coincidence? Leg is feeling a bit numb and twitchy.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

i have no advise but if you ever want to vent some more pm me or email me

[Love.Hate]

You deserve to feel happy again, you can feel good and not feel depressed. I know what it's like.. I never wanted to feel happy, I enjoyed the sadness if that makes sense? You need to realise you deserve this. You can eat and not feel guilty. You are allowed to be happy! I think it's just a shock to the system to feel good, but it's okay. Don't take it out on yourself.

I'm worried about you, what is your leg like now? Are you okay?

[Magenta]

Thanks, Alice. :)

Fran, it stopped bleeding for awhile and I had a bandage on it but even after an hour last night, it was bleeding a bit overnight (not enough to soak through though, little drops) and I just got up and tried to get in the shower but it's bleeding again now. Only part of it though D:

[Love.Hate]

Oh god.. Keep applying pressure yeah?

Always here if you want to talk, hope your okay xx

[Magenta]

Yeah. I finally took my shower and I think it stopped for good now. Hopefully.

Thanks. <3

[Love.Hate]

Phew thank goodness I was getting worried. Take care of it :)

Your welcome<3

[Blujay]

I think I know what you mean, about being unable to accept feeling happy...

Maybe it's because sorrow is a familiar feeling, it's what you know how to handle? You don't remember what it's like to be happy and you'd rather have something familiar...? Or another thought: if you let yourself be happy, you'll fall down even harder than you did the first time and it'll be even more painful? Just pondering.

I'm glad your leg is okay now. Make sure to keep it clean from infection. Be careful of your achilles. >:

[Magenta]

Yeah. It's definitely stopped now but I'll keep an eye on it. I realized why it was bleeding so much: it's nearly 1/8 of an inch wide... A friend is saying that if it starts really bleeding again, I should walk over to the hospital (I live around the corner from one) or call 911. Hopefully I won't need to.

And Jay, basically everything you said is how I feel I think.

[Love.Hate]

Well make sure you do.

You are allowed to feel happy you know, it's not a crime. Are you speaking to anyone about how you feel?

[Magenta]

I have a new therapist but I don't want to go. I've seen three others and therapy just doesn't work for me. I don't get anything out of it. *shrugs* All the people are nice, I talked to them all so it wasn't a connection problem. I just never come out of a session with anything. Even after eight or nine or whatever, it's just an hour of talking to someone and once I leave it's back to getting through the day.

When I'm okay, I am almost VERY okay. Thing is, after a few days, I crash and I crash hard. I'm not meant to be happy. If I was, my mood wouldn't be like a roller coaster. On my good days, I see into the future, I know what I want to do with my life, I overachieve to get there but then suddenly it's like everything has stopped and it's back to wondering why I'm on this planet if I'll never amount to anything. I think I cut when I'm happy because if I can make myself sadder, then the crash won't be as hard. When I'm happy, I still have sad moments but it's so easy to push past them that cutting almost forces them back.

[Love.Hate]

I think I get you. The cutting makes the crash back down easier to cope with?

I know what you mean about therapy it never really helped me I just felt I was talking to some stranger who is paid to listen so doesn't really give a shit. But you might as well go to this new therapist you never know they might actually help?

[Magenta]

It wasn't even that they're just paid to do it. I honestly believe they care or they'd have a different job. It's just that I walk out and my life is still up and down. There's nothing to talk about anymore. There's no actual events triggering these flips in mood every so often. I'm just like that. There's only so much I can say before that's it- they think I'm okay. The only time I ever got something out of therapy was when someone in the hospital told me this:

"I get you. You act like everything is okay because that's how life works for you. You can talk to people but eventually they stop listening because your state of mind won't go away through just talking. You act because it is easier than talking."

Or something like that. People think that talking will make me better. My parents get so angry because my therapy doesn't help. I'm seeing my new psychiatrist soon. I'm so confused. I don't understand how this is just depression like they say. It doesn't feel like it, especially on my hyper-productive days which can last for three or four days. It just feels like a never ending cycle I've had my whole life that just talking has never helped.

[Love.Hate]

Im no doctor, but isnt rapid mood changes a symptom of something else.. like bipolar? Because i dont think depression highs and lows are like what your describing.. but i think it differs from person to person to be honest.
Talking my problems out has never helped me at all.. Recently i have found out that running as fast i can helps.. even though i hate exercise it gets me away from everything, maybe you could try doing something practical. Talking just seems like you go in.. talk.. come out and nothing has changed.

I like that quote it makes alot of sense :)

[Magenta]

It cycles every few days so it's not totally rapid but yeah. I want to talk to my psych. I see her next week, I think.

[Syvelocin]

Rapid cycling is usually a sign of BPD. Bipolar disorder usually is more of manic and depressive phases, varying from a couple days to a month or more.

[Magenta]

For me, the good, overly productive, insanely happy times last a couple days, then a couple days of serious depression, then I go back to feeling so optimistic I wonder why I was depressed and then I crash.

[Syvelocin]

I think that really borders both conditions. I'd take a look at the other symptoms of both, see which one matches you better, and talk to a professional about it.

[Magenta]

My cycling really isn't all that rapid. But I'll talk to my psych. I'm just so tired of feeling on the good days like I can do anything and I can finally control my life then falling into a pit where my mind has taken over and I can't control how I'm going to feel in a few days to a week.

[Love.Hate]

Yeah it's a good idea to talk to them. Hope it helps :)

[Magenta]

I'm dangerously close to a repeat of last night. All I want to do is slash my leg open. I'm so tired of pushing my ex boyfriend away who still cares about me tons because I can't function like a normal human being. I'm sick of all this. I want it to end. I'm so sick of it.

Why can't I be fucking normal?

I'm sick of curling up in bed at night knowing that I could want to die or try to save the world in the morning depending on whether or not I've been high or low for the past week. I'm sick of not wanting to see people because I could be good one day then be meant to see them after I crash and be too ashamed to go. Or want to see them for comfort when I'm low and be go insanely high the next day that I just want to hide for the next few days because I'm too scared of being like that.

FML.

[Love.Hate]

Nobody is normal. You have to remember that.
I know what its like, wanting to be "normal" and feeling like your never good enough.

Don't push him away? If he is trying to help you then he must care for you.. So why not let him help?

Well why dont you tell your friends.. or if they already know they will understand why you dont want to go out, they will help you feel less ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed about.. everyones got their problems.. I hope you stayed strong.

Always here ok? :)

[Magenta]

I made it through last night somehow.

Thing is, I'm so torn. I love him, I really do. I don't want to be the crazy girl he's trying to take care of but really can't. I don't want him to be my security blanket even if he is one of the few people I can trust. I don't want to be a burden. I want more than anything to be normal and not push him away for his own well-being.

I keep thinking about how much I want to end it. People are leaving me because they can't handle me. No one can and no one has helped me. The professional help has done nothing. I'm some nut case that doesn't deserve to be helped.

[Love.Hate]

I keep thinking about how much I want to end it. People are leaving me because they can't handle me. No one can and no one has helped me. The professional help has done nothing. I'm some nut case that doesn't deserve to be helped.

To start off with, your not a burden.

Everyone deserves to be helped, your not some "nut case". What will ending it solve? nothing. You will bring more pain to everyone around you. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.. find something to live for, find your light. I know mine has been small things.. so im continually looking forward to something.. Birthday.. Prom.. Rihanna concert etc.. You just need to find your thing. It could be as simple as a person.. someone that you want to live for, that you know they can not live without you.

Professional help is quite a tricky subject. If you find the right help, it will really transform your life. But everyone has their own ways of helping. I always prefered my school counsellor to the psychologist for example because she could realate to me. She would let me get my anger out by throwing things.. tearing things up etc.. There is someone out there that can help you. You just have to find them.