sorry for posting again

[bambino]

feel like im monopolizing the forum ):
but my phones dead, I have no credit, can't find the charger- its the only place I have peoples numbers on, so i cant contact anyone. like i usually would if im freaking out

I haven't been out for a few weeks now i think, with the exception of counselling/doctors which was stressful enough. Now my parents have promised I'll go to a rugby game with hundreds of people [my cousin is playing and wants family to come watch] I love my cousin and I want to be there and not disappoint him but the thought of being around so many people makes me literally want to throw up.
My friend was meant to come with me for support but shes just rang to say shes going to have a night in, leaving me pretty much hyperventilating. Also feeling angry: why do i rely on anyone
i hate being so needy...i hate being constantly disappointed. its like no matter what anyone does for me its never enough.
i already lost a few friends recently, because of my 'issues' they just distanced themselves. one of my bestfriends wont even talk to me, doesnt want to deal with my moodswings anymore. got a girlfriend, whos stunning. no wonder he'd rather look at her. god my face is just offensive

im sorry for ranting. i havent done my revision, my courseworks due monday and I'm having trouble making myself concentrate. stress stress stress

god i just want to punish myself for being so fricking useless WHY am i so useless.

[FullyAlive]

It doesn't matter how many threads you make we all want to help you.
You aren't useless, and you certainly don't want to punish yourself not really.
Is there anyway to get out of the rugby match, or maybe you could agree with your parents that you only go to half of it? Tell them how you need the time to do work and can't afford to go to a match you don't have any particular interest in.
:hug:

[bambino]

I can get out of the match if I wanted. I just know I will feel so guilty for disappointing my cousin and parents I'll sit at home hating myself
and yet if I go I'll be having panick attacks and hating myself for offending people with my looks! its always like this.
thank you for the hug :)

[FullyAlive]

I think it might do you good to get out a bit, but if its going to result in panic attacks then don't that wouldn't be good. At the end of the day you need to decide what is best for you, would going to the match help you, you know getting out and socialising? Or is it too much too soon.
Lol anytime.

[bambino]

if I'm around people I just know they'll stare because I'm funny looking, and i hate being so repulsive, i just cant help it- i cant change my face or my bone structure. UGHHH.
i try and stay as clean as possible, to make up for being ..vulgar looking. probably a bit much.
i want to get out but i know ill just freak out, rush to the toilets and self harm. then again, i self harm at home.
i know that sounds weird...people tell me I look okay but I dont think so.

[FullyAlive]

I understand, but you can't let things like how you think you look (not how you look because im 99% certain you don't look like that). If you think it would be safer for you to stay at home do that, but one day you need to build up your confidence and go out with friends/family and maybe if you are ready you could start that with this match.
You could take elastic bands or something should you get the urge?

[bambino]

im 99% sure I'm ugly and i feel like if i let myself believe im not, it would be even worse?
kidding myself im not when everyone else can see it plainly. I mean I know I have BDD, but that doesnt mean I'm not ugly. It just means im obsessive compulsive about it.

not long ago i tried to convince myself it was in my head then 'He' went out with an extremely pretty girl. brunette short, basically me but with a nice face. You know 'Him' 'the guy' 'childhood sweetheart' 'the main love of your life' etc. and doesn't want a single thing to do with me.

..yeah and that kinda brought me back down to earth and ive been so angry at myself since, sooo frustrated i could cry. Like how could i set myself up to get hurt like that?! i was so stupid and i'm not going to let myself forget how pathetic and ugly i am, so in future i will never be hurt that badly again. I cant believe I was even surprised when it happened.

i just cant face it but thank you for trying to persaude me. i will stay at home and try and make myself concentrate on all this revision, ill wear a rubber band- i havent tried that before

[auto_bodyqueen]

we are here to help and support you so don't friek out
if you need anybody to talk to u can message any of us or even me if you would like.
i know how u feel and what u are going through.

[bambino]

thank you justin, I'm glad you understand xx

[anonymous53]

Well, we're here to help. So don't worry about posting a lot. :P

As for the rugby game, I see why you don't want to disappoint your cousin, but if it's upsetting you this much to just think about going; you might be best to just stay home. If you hate being needy of other people, rely on yourself. You can do it :)

If your avatar is a picture of you you are far from ugly. Don't worry about it. As for your best friend ignoring you...well...that's kinda messed up.

[bambino]

@Rob

Yes my profile pic is me, but it was a particularly good angle and you can't see what a mess my face is.

I am trying to rely on myself, I know I can do it I've done it in the past- just not in the best mind set to be left alone right now...I drive my friends crazy because if I get the slightest suspicion they're annoyed with me, or don't want to be with me- I completely isolate myself.
Yes, my bestfriend [well I thought he was] says I'm unhealthy. We used to date. We broke up because of my BDD, and now hes dating the girl I used to always compare myself to. So he said its better for me if we don't talk, now he's snide to me when I try and speak to him, or he ignores me. I cant make him out to completely be a villian, I think I probably have borderline personality disorder so I'm a nightmare to be in a relationship with.

I'm feeling a bit calmer at the moment. So thanks guys (:

[anonymous53]

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit calmer :) Eh, don't worry everyone has their problems :) You'll find the right guy/girl eventually. This best friend doesn't seem like he was much of a friend either. Same here about the isolate thing. I don't like being hurt so I block everything out.

[bambino]

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit calmer :) Eh, don't worry everyone has their problems :) You'll find the right guy/girl eventually. This best friend doesn't seem like he was much of a friend either. Same here about the isolate thing. I don't like being hurt so I block everything out.

yes, glad you understand.
think its just easier to block everything out..shut everyone out than to keep on being disappointed..