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[deadpie]

I've convinced myself sucking dick and getting fucked is not only the only thing i'm good at but the only reason I'm alive. He's gotten so fucking badly inside my head I can't even think straight now. I'm becoming the fucking man that ruined my life. I'm turning into something that I cannot stop and I'm going to hurt people eventually. I've tried everything to convince myself, but it doesn't matter. He was right about everything he said because it's all happening.

It's just I didn't expect myself to be this fucking weak. There's so many times I've felt like I can really just say fuck you and move on from what he's done, but you just can't. He's going to be in my fucking brain for the rest of my life no matter how much I hate it.

I'm better off dead before I go out fucking raping and hurting people. Maybe the car crash is important for me. Maybe it's meant to happen so I don't become this monster. Maybe I have to choose to either kill myself, die from the car crash, or just become the very thing I hate. Either way I fucking lose.

[tpzy94]

dude cheer up you have bad days and you have good days just count this as a bad day or bad month itll get all better cause if you quit youll let your family and friends down and nobody likes a quitter juss focus on whatever you feel is important

[Syvelocin]

You have a choice in who you become. There is a sort of predisposition in abuse victims to do the same thing themselves, but if you catch it while you're still aware of it, it won't happen. Of course you're going to have similarities to him. There's always something we pick up from who we live with, or interact with extensively, and we can do fuck all about it. But we can't let ourselves also inherit the actions we regret of them.

My aunt is my mum's twin sister. They don't look exactly alike, they are very easy to tell apart even to people outside the family, but they have similar facial features, similar traits. I look like my mum, so automatically, I bear extreme likeness to my aunt as well. There's that, on top of what I picked up from living with her. She raised me from three to eight, after all, and beat me from three to eight. My mum says I'm developing her mentality, her sense of humour, her attitude towards life. She'll catch me on some of my facial expressions, that look the same as hers. And the icing on the cake, is that I find my lifestyle choices and decisions are ending up looking like hers too. I hate it. I do everything to prevent it. She was an alcoholic, I will not touch any hard liquor because of it. I will also never have kids running around the house, just in case I become like her.

You have to be the bigger person, you know. You can't let it run it's course. You see yourself turning into him, you've got to slap it away and say that you're taking the other path. Because you're coming to that fork in the road, you have to be prepared to be able to say that, so when you do get there, you are ready to choose.

Yeah, he's going to be there. He's going to be in your head far after he dies. My blood father is still with me, everyone who has brought me harm over the last nineteen years is still fucking with me. Take the good qualities, take advantage of them, and throw away the bad so it can't touch you. You're above him, you're not going to resort to what he did, because you have the power to change and set your destiny still, unlike him.

[deadpie]

You have a choice in who you become. There is a sort of predisposition in abuse victims to do the same thing themselves, but if you catch it while you're still aware of it, it won't happen. Of course you're going to have similarities to him. There's always something we pick up from who we live with, or interact with extensively, and we can do fuck all about it. But we can't let ourselves also inherit the actions we regret of them.

My aunt is my mum's twin sister. They don't look exactly alike, they are very easy to tell apart even to people outside the family, but they have similar facial features, similar traits. I look like my mum, so automatically, I bear extreme likeness to my aunt as well. There's that, on top of what I picked up from living with her. She raised me from three to eight, after all, and beat me from three to eight. My mum says I'm developing her mentality, her sense of humour, her attitude towards life. She'll catch me on some of my facial expressions, that look the same as hers. And the icing on the cake, is that I find my lifestyle choices and decisions are ending up looking like hers too. I hate it. I do everything to prevent it. She was an alcoholic, I will not touch any hard liquor because of it. I will also never have kids running around the house, just in case I become like her.

You have to be the bigger person, you know. You can't let it run it's course. You see yourself turning into him, you've got to slap it away and say that you're taking the other path. Because you're coming to that fork in the road, you have to be prepared to be able to say that, so when you do get there, you are ready to choose.

Yeah, he's going to be there. He's going to be in your head far after he dies. My blood father is still with me, everyone who has brought me harm over the last nineteen years is still fucking with me. Take the good qualities, take advantage of them, and throw away the bad so it can't touch you. You're above him, you're not going to resort to what he did, because you have the power to change and set your destiny still, unlike him.

Thanks for the post and help. I guess what the problem is that I don't know how to take the extra path. Every path I take has a bad side to it. It's harder for me to just block things off and walk away like it's no big deal when it went on four years of my childhood. And the shit that went on.

I've already gone too far for me to turn around and go down a "better" path, nor do I really feel like I am capable of such a thing. The fact that I spend hours looking at pictures of dead people online and laugh at them should say something. There's this thing growing inside of me that just won't go away. Like one of the lyrics in an Eyedea song, "Sometimes when a person goes that far they're never coming back". It's true. I've already gone the extra mile and dug a grave five times my size. There's no way to get out and there's no one to toss a rope down to pull me up.

Everything I've tried to help, be it music, sports, art, writing, all that bullshit never worked. It was just there and all of those things made me feel worse about myself. Then I just remember him telling me what I was made for, what I'm actually good at, and it's true. I've made money doing it. I've been told I'm the best fuck from people. With the hobbies I tried to use as tools to help me? Nobody said I was good at those things. They might of said it but they never really meant it.

I fantasize about torturing people almost every hour of the day and I dwell on these fantasies. There's no way for me to just knock them off like they're not there. No pills, 'tools', self medicating, any of that has or will work.

dude cheer up you have bad days and you have good days just count this as a bad day or bad month itll get all better cause if you quit youll let your family and friends down and nobody likes a quitter juss focus on whatever you feel is important

No, I literally don't even remember the last time I had a day that went good without me feeling bad at all. Every month of my life for as long as I remember has been garbage. My family is dysfunctional and garbage. My garbage friends have either left me or don't really care in the first place. And who's nobody as in everybody? Who's everyone in this stupid world that gets to decide if I can kill myself or not. They don't know me. They never will get what I've gone through and what I think. There's nothing important in my life and my life is not going anywhere. It never has.

[Syvelocin]

If you can't head it off, when you're actually faced with the decision, you know, "I'm going to do this to this person," you have to be able to say that you aren't. Use anything as motivation. "I don't want to turn into my father." "I don't want to go to jail." Or whatever you can come up with. If you can't change your thoughts, you have to control your actions based on those thoughts.

I don't believe that it's all that your good for. I barely know you, but I know one thing: you know far more about music than a lot of people do. More than I do, more than at least 90% of teenagers. You're good at that. I know that one for a fact. I'm sure there has to be something else there that you're good at, I just wouldn't be able to tell you.

I really hate to say this part to you, but how much treatment have you tried? Because I think having a go at CBT couldn't hurt. To learn to control those thoughts.

[auto_bodyqueen]

try and be strong
thats all i can say

[ShatteredWings]

Tim, I don't have a lot to say.

But you're a strong man. You've made it this far, despite your past. you're a fucking amazing artist.

Regarding the thoughts of murdering people, while mine aren't quite as constant, don't let them fester if you can. Let it out. I frequently write short little shit about killing (and I do have a longer one that's probably 3 pages).
But some people do deserve to die. PM me if you want more detailed opinion on that.

Do you really want to die, or do you just only see it as your only option.
Because statstics can go fuck themselves.
there's always a way out.

[Josiah7]

Sorry to hear about that Mate, you sound like your in a tough spot. The only thing I can suggest is try and seek help. Weather its a friend or Professional. I know it may suck, but try and stay tough and don't go over to suicide - its not worth it. Stay Strong.

If you want to vent or want someone to talk to - Im here for you, have had a friend go through what you are going through. Im here all you have to do is ask. Stay Strong :)

[User4rmKy]

Hey there. I tried to send you a private message; however, I don't have enough posts to do it. Is it possible for me to contact you some other way? I could just post on this forum...but one-on-one seems so much more comfortable.