I made a plan.

[FullyAlive]

I really wish certain people wouldn't see this but it's inevitable they will.

I made a plan a few weeks ago. I can't take living anymore. It gets worse with each day. Everyone says it'll get better, there are loads people worse off than you, and whether or not they're true and even if I sound selfish saying this I no longer fucking care my lifes gotten bad enough and yeah maybe there are some people who would like the benefits I have well they're welcome to them. I want to die.

The thing is first this plan was just to keep the suicidal thoughts away, to keep me sane. I told someone the other day that it was just my back up, in case counselling didn't work. Only problem is it's turned into something more than that, it's the only thing I'm living for. How messed up is that the only reason I'm living is so I can have the chance to die. I don't want counseling to work anymore, I don't want anything to work, I'd rather die, have the excuse I need to do it.

Now some of you may not believe me, others may not care. But to the other people I want your opinion I suppose, not help exactly because I've pretty much made up my mind. I just can't wait for these final weeks to be over, is that strange?

I've started the process collecting the stuff I need, planning out the day, thinking what I'll write in letters to the people I love. That's it I guess, I just needed to kind of tell someone? I'm not going to do it now, but I've made my plan and now I feel strangely at peace, knowing I've not got long.

And I also want to apologize, to certain people I've met on here and others who are unlikely to ever see this, I'm sorry that I intend to take the easy way out, but trust me it's a lot less easy than you think. But I hope others who are stronger than me, fight this, fight life, fight it all.

[bambino]

look, message me. hell message anyone on this site and talk to us.

life is never so hopeless, that the only option is killing yourself. You are strong. You can and will get through this. I know the pain, I do know the despair and the hurt. Worse than that, the numbness- but it does and will pass. There is too much to live for and you are so young. Think of all the things you could achieve, the career you could have, the friends, the life.

Think about your family and friends, imagine how devastated they would be- if you die a part of them will die too.

Please please do not go ahead with this. tell your family that you feel suicidal and need help. go to your doctor straight away, tell them how you feel and they will most likely organise a 'crisis team' and put you on anti-depressants. Do not carry the burden alone, its okay to have help, people to listen and support you.

Life is sacred, don't throw yours away. Think of why you have held on so long, just think of the reason and hold it in your mind and don't let go.

[Dimitri]

look, message me. hell message anyone on this site and talk to us.

life is never so hopeless, that the only option is killing yourself. You are strong. You can and will get through this. I know the pain, I do know the despair and the hurt. Worse than that, the numbness- but it does and will pass. There is too much to live for and you are so young. Think of all the things you could achieve, the career you could have, the friends, the life.

Think about your family and friends, imagine how devastated they would be- if you die a part of them will die too.

Please please do not go ahead with this. tell your family that you feel suicidal and need help. go to your doctor straight away, tell them how you feel and they will most likely organise a 'crisis team' and put you on anti-depressants. Do not carry the burden alone, its okay to have help, people to listen and support you.

Life is sacred, don't throw yours away. Think of why you have held on so long, just think of the reason and hold it in your mind and don't let go.
This is amazing.

First, I tried doign this same thing many years ago (five actually, and that crisis team really helped) but please hear me out first.

I was afraid to ask for help because I thought that admitting that you needed help showed that you were weak, but it is not a sign of weakness. Asking for help shows that you have acknowledged your limits and are willing to admitt it to others so that in return for asking for help you can extend your limits.

We are all here to help you and I am not going to lie, the thoughts come back every now and then but it when I ask for the help it comes to me so fast that I am almost knocked back off my feet. I have some rather amazing friends that I have grown up with and I am sure that you do too.

Please ask for the help......................I have a story to tell but if you want to hear it please drop me a PM and we can talk. Please think about it.

[FullyAlive]

I don't have anything to live for, I'm not going to get any good grades in my exams this year, so then I won't get my A levels then I won't get any career let alone one I want. I'm not pretty I have a tonne of ugly scars who'll love me like that?

Everybody says it'll get better, but it's been like this for months, months and months and nothings got better, it's got worse. So maybe it'll never get better, maybe this is what I deserve you don't know me, but if you did you'd agree this is nothing more than i deserve.

I do have help, I've been to my doctor she referred me for counseling because of my self harm. She makes me go see her, check up on me. But she won't give me pills, I'm not depressed and I'm only 16.

And thanks but my life is anything but sacred, the only reason I held on this long is because I had a plan. It was always not yet it'll mess up my plan. Even when all I could hear were people screaming at me to end it, I didn't I held on to my plan. I've got no other reason.

[anonymous53]

Louise, please don't take the easy way out. :hug: it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things WILL get better. I promise you that Louise. Keep up the small amount of hope you have left. People here on VT will miss you too much. :hug:
It's not worth it at all. Look at all you have left in life; you're so young. You can still have a husband or wife, and raise children and be with the ones you love. Suicide is never worth it.

Right now though Louise I think you need some immediate help. Have you considered going inpatient till you can become stable? These past few days I've seen you be feeling worse and worse. At least in a mental health facility you will be able to get a little help and be with those who want to see you get better.


Message me at any time. Night or day, I'll respond. If you need my IM adresses etc just let me know. They're all connected to my phone so I'll answer.

[Dimitri]

You're right! I do not know you but I beleive that all life is speacial and you were put on this Earth for a reason, what is it that you want to be when you grow up? You are 16, still young enough to raise your grades, I had some really bad grades my freshman/sophomore year but I am a pre-med student now, it can be done, you just have to want it enough.

I beleive no one should die like this, I beleive it should be with the person you married and 50+ years of marriage. I beleive that this has made you stronger and you need to keep fighting. I will not lie, the battle is over but the war is still ahead, everyhting will get worse before it gets better. Please take this time to reflect over the years and try to imagine how this is going to affect the people that you know and love.

We are all here to help, so please give us a chance.

[FullyAlive]

I've not considered inpatient no, I really don't think I need it. I'm not that bad not really not in comparison to others. Thank you Rob for caring. :hug:

And thanks Robert, but no I'm not young enough to raise my grades, I take my exams this year starting Monday and I'm just in no state to revise for them I can't concentrate. I don't know I really think I'll be doing the people I love a favour.

[anonymous53]

Louise. Grades are not everything. You don't need good grades. Yes you'll need grades to get into colleges usually, but my sister literally failed 3 of her 4 years of high school. She's now going to an Ivy League school. They take into consideration the circumstances one was under now.

[Kaius]

Louise, if you've planned and attempted to take your own life several times thats more than seriously enough to consider inpatient. You mean so much to so many people. Just think about it, if you were to do that what would those people do? I know a certain person that would definitely take it hard no matter what I did i know I wouldn't be able to help her with getting through that alone. Grades aren't the most important thing in the world. They really aren't, you can always go back and do them at a later date if need be, just dont throw all this away.

[MadManWithaBox]

Don't give up Louise. Never give up. Ever. No matter how hopeless it nay seem. It'll get better. I've been in a bad place since I was born, 18 years. But I still haven't given up. Why? I know it'll get better. It has to. And mess don't always help. I hate taking them. But anyway. Just give it time, it'll get better. It has to. Like Churchill said KBO, keep going.

[FullyAlive]

Rob it may be stupid but to me grades are everything it's the only thing I've ever been good at it's how I identify myself, without having that I'm even less than I am now.

And Aaron, I know who you're talking about, obviously. But before I ever do anything I'll come up with some way to make sure she'll be ok. There has to be something I can do. And also what if I don't want to go to hospital they'd try to fix me not only would they keep me alive they'd stop me cutting, they'd make me eat aswell.

And Matt, thanks. But seriously how do you know it'll get better? I've been waiting and waiting but nothings changed how can you be so certain?

[anonymous53]

Louise. Bad grades don't make you less of you :) I promise *hug*

Aaron is right, the hospital would probably help you a lot right now

[Scarface]

Louise,

I will not make the same promise that the people above have made because I myself have been in your shoes. I did not come to grips to tell anyone because I never had such a thing as VT or rather anyone that gave a shit about me enough to say that "this is not going to fix it", but I'm going to tell you right now that; This is not going to fix it. This is not going to turn your problems into roses and bloom for you to smile.

For every reason there is for me to kill myself, there is 2 for me to live. I won't promise that things are going to get better right away because I don't have a crystal ball to tell you what the future holds, but I will tell you that what you're doing right now, will not only ruin you completely, but will take you down and I know deep down in your heart of hearts that this isn't what you want to do. You want the help, but you're just not hearing the right answers. I don't know you at all, so I cannot and most likely would not sit here and make a list of things for you to live for because those are things that you know and things that should keep you living.

Just stop for a second and think about this; what are you doing? Are you doing everything you can to fix this? I know there are things that just have you at this edge, but have you done everything you can? Have you put the effort in to living? You said it yourself "you're 16" hunny, if I could even have the time back that I lost at 16, at 16 I dropped out of high school, left my mothers house and was hooked on numerous drugs and was losing my one and only lover. Yet the reason I'm still here is to help people like you find the helping hand that I know you need to live. I may not be the one to tell you that I love you, but the other people in this thread and in your life will gladly tell you.

The choice is yours what you do with your life, but I know you'll make the right decision when the time comes. I hope you take every word I'm saying to heart, not to the tear. Not to the misfortune in your life. But just take the words I'm saying for me.

:cowboy:

[MadManWithaBox]

I know you'll get better because you have to believe. Cliche as it sounds, if you believe, it'll happen. Faith is of course, blind. But that's why it's faith. Things will get better because they have to.

[Triceratops]

I know you'll get better because you have to believe. Cliche as it sounds, if you believe, it'll happen. Faith is of course, blind. But that's why it's faith. Things will get better because they have to.

No offense, but I don't think a mental illness, or should I say a very distressed and dangerous state of mind, is as simple as this fairy tale you've depicted.

OP, I can relate to every part of that. It gets to a point where everything is meaningless and nothing matters to you anymore. What I can tell you is that it doesn't get any easier unless you get help. If I were alone in everything I've been through, I'd have been gone years ago. Please, talk to someone. You can't fight alone. :hug:

[MadManWithaBox]

I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.

[Triceratops]

I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.

Realised what I said came out a lot harsher than I wanted, oops. But yeah, if it works for you then cool, whatever.

[Scarface]

I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.

This is not a competition so I'd prefer it didn't become one, saying that you know more than someone when you have yet to walk a mile in their shoes is childish. Keep that to yourself because no one will ever truly know what everyone else has been through.

[Spook]

Louise, you will NOT be doing anyone a favor if you take your life. Think about all the people who care about you. Think about everyone who will miss you. Think about your friends, and us here on VT. You can't do this to yourself. I know how bad the idea of becoming an inpatient is, my sister and brother...both gone through it. My sister self harmed before, and she didn't think anybody would care if she died. She had dropped out of school, she was 17, she had no job, no money, no plans for a car, a house, a family. She is now living in Florida working in real estate with a steady boyfriend and she is living with grandparents. She is happy, has a good life. You can be all that too, but not if you do this. It will never solve anything. Lousie, I can't reach through the screen and stop you, or erase all your thoughts and plans. But I can tell you, people care. We care.


It's not the end.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Ronnie that was just yeah it really made me think about things and idk it just mean a lot. So really thanks.

Thanks Matt, I know I have to believe. But it's really fucking hard sometimes, I have little faith in anything let alone blind faith in something which seems so unlikely to happen.

And thanks Marcie, idk I would never say I had a mental illness or that I was in a dangerous state of mind. I'm just a little, idk upset right now. I'm not alone though, but I feel it. Thank you :hug:

EDIT: And also thanks Caitlin, i no I won't have a future or whatever but maybe I don't want one. And trust me on this one very few people will miss me it'll mainly be a great relief to most people they no longer have to deal with me.

[MadManWithaBox]

Of course it does. But of course, I missed out that faith is all good, but counselling will of course help a great deal. Tell them everything, no matter how shocking it may be.

[anonymous53]

Louise. Look at all of us that just posted on this thread. I'm sure we'll miss you. Also I'm sure your family and friends will miss you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

As Matt said, it might sound odd, but faith that things will get better can get you through the whole ordeal. That's why I'm here right now.

On a joking note: We here on VT love dealing with you :) :hug:

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Matt, and I know I should tell them everything but I can't only one person knows everything and she said I should tell someone but I can't. I can't.

Rob, thanks quite a few people posted although that might have been out of a moral need to. I'll try, try to get and hold onto some faith.

[MadManWithaBox]

But why? Louise these things are a two way street. You have to be willing to help yourself.

[FullyAlive]

Because it's too private well not private but I just can't tell anyone, telling that one person was a mistake I shouldn't have done that I can't tell others they wouldn't understand they'd think I was crazy.

[anonymous53]

Louise, for therapy to work you need to let it all out. As much as it hurts...you can't hold anything back. Well, I'll say for certain Louise I could have very easily ignored this post, but I posted because I don't want you to hurt yourself in any way. So I didn't do it just out of a moral need.


*edit*
Louise, everyone is crazy in their own way. I'm sure a therapist would understand and try very hard to help you.

[Spook]

Louise, if we don't know you're gonna be safe, we're gonna start a "WE LOVE LOUISE" petition.

--Animal Luverrr
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Thats not enough spaces for everybody. ^_^

[MadManWithaBox]

They won't think it's crazy. They're trained for this, they'll understand, no matter what it is.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Rob and I'm sure you're right I'm sure they would want to help. And thanks for not ignoring me.

Thanks Caitlin that's sweet.

And thanks Matt but you don't understand they will think I'm crazy probably because I am. The doctor guessed the other day but I lied, and she looked pleased.

[MadManWithaBox]

But you can't help unless you tell them. Maybe they'll be momentarily shocked. But their goal is to help you.

[FullyAlive]

I'm sorry but I won't. I won't let them judge me, make notes about me. And anyway if I did go through with my plan I wouldn't have enough time for them to help me even if they wanted too.

[MadManWithaBox]

But you deserve better than this Louise. I know you do. Talking is the first part of that

[Dimitri]

They will not judge you, honestly they would not have become a therapist if they did not want to help people and they will want to help you.

[FullyAlive]

I really don't if you knew me you'd see that I don't, I deserve this and a lot more. And talking idk I just see it as a sign of weakness I don't want to be weak.

[anonymous53]

It's not a sign of weakness. My dad used to try to pound into my head emotions and talking about emotions is weak. No, it's not weak. It requires you to be strong to talk about your emotions.

[FullyAlive]

But I can do this on my own. I don't need people. I don't need help. I'm strong I can do it.

[MadManWithaBox]

If have these kind of plans, then clearly you can't. You don't have to do it alone. Even Churchill couldn't do it alone.

[JunkBondTrader]

I agree with Matt.

Louise, you are clearly going through hell right now. But at the same time you're refusing to admit that anything's wrong. It is my opinion that for you to feel this way is more than a clear sign that something's very wrong indeed.

Please, before you make up your mind, just try getting some help with this. They won't judge, they're trained not to. Yeah, I won't lie, it could be a pointless and distressing waste of time. But it could also do wonders for you. If you feel you have nothing to lose, why not just try?

[Fiction]

Louise you have no fucking idea how much I would miss you. You're honestly one of my best friends. It's not the end, because we need to have so many more walks around that random lakes getting scared by swans before you go anywhere. One day you'll look back at this, and remember how strong you where to get through this. One day when it's better because it WILL get better.

Your life is going to change. You can't stop it changing, and it'll change for the better. If you go now you'll never see that happen.

Oh and just saying in reference to your previous comments, if you went there's no way you could make sure that i'd be ok.

Love you xxx

[dreamsofsomeday]

Things do get better. Eventually.
I was terribly suicidal for two years. Miraculously, I got better and began appreciating life and realizing how lucky I am to be alive. When I did start to feel better, I realized that I could have easily been dead then if I had gone through with any of the plans I had made.
Healing takes time. Tons of it. But it is possible for everyone, including you.
Things get easier after a while. Time fades away pain. It heals us.
You may be denying that you need help, because you feel that needing it is an indication that you're weak (or maybe you don't, I don't know.) And you don't want to be weak. But it definitely does not make you weak. At all. You also realize that there are people who have it a ton worse than you, but that doesn't mean you don't have it bad enough to get help.
Therapists deal with tons and tons of things and have definitely seen way worse, so don't think they'll think you're crazy. They don't judge people like that. You definitely need to get help, though, because you sound like you are in a very bad spot right now. Therapists definitely know what they are doing, and they can be a massive help to you. They are very educated in mental health and can help you heal.
You CAN get through this. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made it this far. There must be a very good reason you are still here. I don't know if you are religious, but God definitely has a plan for you. You are strong. You've already been through so much and are still here. You can do this. <3

[User Deleted]

Think of the biggest, most precious thing in your life, put in words, then work your heart out for it, and forget everything else right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rlw7qPxaLw8&feature=player_embedded

(This is some of the best advice I've heard for suicide, hope it helps)

[georgiamay]

Louise :hug:

If you went through with this, you have no idea how much I'd miss you. We haven't even met yet, how I never meet you? :eek:
You're not even a quatre of the way through your life yet, and you want to just throw it all away? You have no way of seeing the future. Things might seem hopeless now, but in the future things could be different, very different. If you went, you'd miss out on so much. And I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I'd be okay if you went.

[FullyAlive]

Sorry this is such a long reply. :/

If have these kind of plans, then clearly you can't. You don't have to do it alone.
But I want to do it alone, I don’t want to rely on people because those people always leave, no doing it alone is what is best for me.

I agree with Matt.
Louise, you are clearly going through hell right now. But at the same time you're refusing to admit that anything's wrong.
I don’t refuse to admit anything is wrong it’s just I know what is wrong and that’s just me, nothing else it’s just me. I’m the problem now and I always will be.

]Louise you have no fucking idea how much I would miss you. You're honestly one of my best friends
I’m sorry that you will miss me, but I wouldn’t change it, I’ve loved getting to know you, and I’d hate it if you weren’t in my life so even if it’s selfish I’d rather you missed me than I didn’t know you at all. I promise you I’ll try, I’ll try to still be here to see you again.

One day you'll look back at this, and remember how strong you where to get through this.
Sometimes I want that, I hope that one day I’ll wake up, be “better” and be proud of myself but in reality I don’t think that’s going to happen.

There must be a very good reason you are still here. I don't know if you are religious, but God definitely has a plan for you.
No I’ve never believed in God, and even if I had I wouldn’t anymore not with everything he has done to me. I don’t believe there is anything out there at all. That’s why death would be good, I highly doubt there is anything after life and that’s what I want, nothing. If there is an afterlife I’m going to be highly disappointed.

And Joe i watched the video, thanks for sharing it.

If you went through with this, you have no idea how much I'd miss you. We haven't even met yet, how I never meet you? :eek: And I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I'd be okay if you went.
I’m sorry, the last thing I want is to cause anybody pain, or make anybody miss me but I guess having lived there was never anyway I could make this decision and hurt no one. You don’t sound selfish far from it, it is me who’s selfish I just want to give up. And I’m sorry.

You say things will be different and you are all right, but no one really knows if they’ll be good different. And what if I’m not brave enough to find out.

[bambino]

Hun, im trying to come up with solutions here. We all are, let us help you.
How you're feeling obviously isn't helped by looming GCSE exams.
Even if you do not do as well as you want, if you tell an adult about the difficulties you're having the exam board will give you extra consideration. Also you could get extra time in exams. On top of this, if you don't do well enough to get into college [which is usually 5 passes including Maths and English]
then you can re-sit your GCSE's, its possible you can go to an insititution that allows you to re-sit, a college, or even stay on another year at school.

I performed badly in my GCSEs, but got into college, I dropped out after two months and was suicidal. I told the college about my difficulties and they said I was welcome to try again next year; at the time I firmly believed I was never going to go back.
Afterwards I didn't leave the house for 4 months and had frequent counselling which was challenging. Eventually I returned to college part time and I re-sat the GCSE's that I'd failed.
I re-applied for my A levels last year and they were so understanding. I'm now almost 2 years older than my classmates, and I will be older than most when I go to university; but I couldn't care less I'm so pleased to have a second chance.

I'm having a bad patch again right now and haven't attended college for a month or so. I had a chat with my senior tutor, explained I was struggling and now my teachers are sending work home and I'll go in for my exams while I get back on my feet.

Really Louise, if you tell people and are open, and I'm not going to say its all fun and games- tbh it may be one of the most difficult things you ever do-explaining to teachers, doctors and your family- and not everyone will understand, but honestly screw them. The majority only want to help, I have had amazing support all because I bit the bullet and opened up, let myself be vulnerable and accepted help.

I sincerely urge you to do the same. Theres a way for you to re-sit your GCSEs, still go to college and achieve whatever you want. I can promise that. Would you at least try and speak to your teachers and family about your concerns? before you make any final decisions. You might find it really takes the pressure off.

[FullyAlive]

How do i say this without sounding really up myself? I don't think there is a way. When i say i'm failing, i mean i'm not getting A's. I know its stupid and i'm about 90% certain i can get C's in everything without revising, without doing anything. But that's not good enough for me, i can't re-sit. I'm a perfectionist i guess thats yet another reason i self harm. For me to be happy i need B's preferably A's.

But i've been slipping recently in everything because i can't be bothered anymore, all of this exams, work everything is so i can have a future when i'm not certain i want one of those anymore.

Whats the point in worrying if i don't want to make september, i don't want to still be around when i should be starting A levels. So why am i bothered by my GCSEs i really don't know.

But thanks, i'm glad you got back on your feet, and everything worked out for you.

[bambino]

my goodness louise! if you can pass thats better than most, half of 16 year olds in the UK don't even leave school with 5 passes!

I do understand the perfectionism. Its a bitch. But GCSEs arent even considered by universities anymore, if thats what you're worried about. Having a perfect record? A levels are all that count.
it is difficult when you have no motivation, but you probably havent fallen as far behind as you think. We often exaggerate negative things and lose perspective on the reality of things. I think the reality is you're a very smart girl with a great life ahead of her who's being extremely hard on herself.
it sounds like youre placing A LOT of importance on a set of exams that realistically, don't define you, are not a measure of you as a person, they don't accurately measure intelligence at all!

Haha I wouldnt say things worked out entirely hun, but I wanted to show you there's always hope and a way around.
i really think you should open up to a friend, family member, doctor about how you're feeling.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks i already have two GCSE's only 3 more to go. But i don't know its not just school that makes me like this, i don't know what it is. But i think if school was all it was i could do it. But it's not it's all the other crap too. And for me the thought of it all just being over, done with, finished, well thats just too tempting. It sounds a whole lot better than life.
I have opened up, my doctor knows i cut myself. The rest i can do by myself.

[bambino]

im sure you havent told your doctor about planning to kill yourself
they could organise a crisis team to help you, put you on meds, speed up your counselling
aren't you willing to try this first? exhaust all avenues of making yourself feel better before you do anything drastic

[FullyAlive]

Well know i haven't told her like out right, but i'm pretty sure she knows maybe not that i've planned to do it but certainly that i've thought about it. She took my mobile number the other day, made me promise to go home and revise, don't go anywhere until she'd phoned me, i'm pretty sure she thought she needed to check up on me.

I don't know maybe i want to try it, but it'll take so long and i really can't take months and months more of feeling this, say i don't die, feeling like this'll break me. I won't be the same.

[bambino]

it will not take long. if you tell your doctor about 'the plan' they will prescribe anti-depressants straight away, they will have to keep a constant eye on you to ensure you don't hurt yourself and always be on hand for support
they will organise a crisis team as quickly as possible.

Feeling like this, is a temporary mindset, no matter how long we experience depression there will always be small moments of light we need to cling onto.

You're right hun, you won't be the same- you will be so much stronger for experiencing this and getting through it.

[FullyAlive]

She said i'm 16, she won't describe pills, and i'm not depressed anyway so that wouldn't help. I'd rather people didn't keep a constant eye on me, i self harm i hurt myself regularly and i'd rather not be stopped. It's already a bad enough atmosphere between me and people when i buy items i could in theory use to cut with, i don't want to have to watch peoples expressions when i buy tablets too.

I hear that a lot "you'll be stronger" well what if i don't want to be stronger what if i just want to stop hurting? I don't mind being weak, never reaching my full potential or whatever so long as it stops and i don't hurt anymore.

[bambino]

if she won't prescribe pills, a pyschiatrist will. I know 16-17 year old on anti-depressants; so it is possible.
I firmly believe you are depressed, I have a hard time admitting it to myself, but filling out check lists in the doctors office I rated mod-severe depression. Have you asked yourself what actually qualifys to making you depressed?
>not having interest in things you previously did
>not being able to find enjoyment in things
>not caring about the future or seeing yourself with one
>having thoughts to harm yourself
>feelings of worthlessness and being a failure
>thoughts life is not worth living and you'd be better off dead

sound familiar? :/
maybe if you accepted that you were suffering with a mental illness, not just 'you'- it would be easier for you to get help.

[FullyAlive]

I don't want to be depressed, its a lot easier to just be me.
Just because those happen to be the symptoms for depression, it doesn't mean i have it that uld just be me and my personality could be like someone who is depressed except i'm not.

[bambino]

im really sorry you feel like that , I do think youre in denial and no offence meant at all! just a difference of opinion
but of course remember we all want you to be happy and get through this, we're just trying to remind you never to give up.
heres my slightly embarassing addy from when I was 14 if you ever need to talk:
[email protected]
OR
[email protected] [which i use for email]

are you still set on your plan?

[FullyAlive]

Thanks, i'm not sure. I thought about moving it forward which i know goes against all the advice given. But i don't think i can get everything by then and sort everything out so i may have to stick to the original plan.
But that's ok it gives me a few weeks, no one needs to be worried not that i'm suggesting you would be. Two people know the date and they don't seem concerned, ok thats a lie they were concerned but not like immediatly worried so no one else needs to be either.