rizeud
May 11th, 2011, 03:10 PM
Before I start, I'd like to say that I overthink things A LOT.
Some background information :
I am a 14 year old Asian teenage boy that goes to a white majority high school as a freshman. I'm known as the cool Asian nerd, or the Americanized-Asian. I try to fit in with all the majority of White people in my school by dressing like them, following trends, hanging out with them, etc. No offense, but like I said, I'm known as the Americanized Asian...compared to the other stereotypical Asians in my school (the slanty eyed, mushroom hair cut, glasses, tight pants, etc). However, I do follow the 'nerd' path. I get straight A's, I'm determined in my work, I'll focus on my work entirely before I goof off or anything. I guess I try pretty hard to 'fit in' and I already am.
I'm not so sure on this, but I'm been hearing stuff like I'm the hot, sexy Asian kid with the cool hair (spiked, full of gel, etc). Of course, this makes me happy, but also worsens the situation. Every morning, I spent time fixing my hair, dressing 'nice' and 'cool', and if I mess up, I do everything over. I guess this also gives me low self-esteem because I think of what others think of what I am wearing, etc.
When you first look and meet me, you will probably never think I'm depressed or anything. I have good grades, I look good, I have friends, I ALWAYS laugh and smile even to the dumbest and punniest jokes. I am also calm and chill most of the times. I usually don't participate in class and just listen to the teacher talking. If I'm sitting near friends, of course I'll talk to them. However, bringing it back to the calm thing..I appear calm on the outside, but inside my head and heart, they are filled with thoughts racing through each cell. Every single minute of every day, there is something going through my mind that ranges from being picked on, to big matters like why do we exist, etc.
Overthinking
Every single day I will be overthinking something, no matter what the reason is. For example, in class today, I was thinking about writing this thread on this forum and how I was going to organize everything. I was thinking about my depression for hours, then how I was going to explain it in the forum. Another example, I swim every week twice a week. I dread swimming because I'm lazy as hell and do not want to go. Yet when I finish swimming, I feel all relaxed and replenished and feel like I had a good workout. I'm forced to go, so every morning of the days I need to swim, I think about having to swim for the entire day. I think about having to get up and actually swim when I'm so exhausted in school. I think about having to swim when I have so much homework and stuff..I just keeping thinking.
Also, I overthink school a lot as well. Considering I am a 'nerd', as a freshman, I think about college, grades, GPA, scholarships like CRAZY. I'm on college forums, yahoo answers, this forum, for hours looking at how to prepare for college in high school and what to do like ECs. Then, I spent days and even weeks thinking about it. It's dumb, I know.
Another thing is that I watched the movie "It's Kind of A Funny Story", about the teenage boy who was depressed, went to a medical clinic, met friends and a hot, nice girl, ended up dating the girl, and understood his depression. This pretty much relates to me, but the whole girl thing, suicidal thing, meeting friends thing hasn't happened to me. Today, this movie was racing through my mind. I kept thinking how I was related to the main character, how this could happen to me, how hot Emma Roberts was, how I wanted to meet a girl just like her character, EVERYTHING.
OVERTHINKING IS TAKING OVER MY MIND.
Depression
This is where the sad part kicks in. Depression only appeared this year, freshman of high school. It appeared at random times, such as the middle of the year where I was thinking about life and how I wanted to be unique and live my life the fullest. Now, it's back. And its worse than ever. Over-thinking, low self-esteem, school has all led to this. I can't forget girls either...
I'm not entirely sure if its "depression" or not, but I feel like it is. I keep most of my "over-thinked" thoughts in my brain and heart. I never reveal it to anyone. If I'm thinking about life, its in my head. If I'm thinking about the kids that pick on me, it's in my head. Almost everything is created in my head, and stays in my head. I'm not much of an out-going party person; I stay at home during the weekends and after school and I'm on the computer online for at least 8 hours a day. Crazy right? I watch youtube videos, go on forums like these, go to wacky websites, just stuff. While I'm doing this however, I'm overthinking things... yeah, I should stop with the overthinking, and explain more about depression.
Back to depression, let me list some things that led to this stage.
- Grades, school, low-esteem, what people think of me.
: This is simple. Two kids pick on me at school, verbally only. They do it to annoy the shit out of me, knowing I can't do anything. I ignore them, and they also spread some dumb cheating on tests rumor about me to other people. From what I noticed, the other people don't care since they cheat too. But like I said, I'm a straight A student, I don't want people to think I cheat for these grades, but whatever, I explained more in my other thread. Anyways, EVERY SINGLE DAY in this one class, they call me 'the cheater' and call my name out and stuff. I ignore them, they stop. They pretend I'm not there and just talk about me, etc. I OVERTHINK THIS A LOT TOO, THIS GOES THROUGH MY HEAD LIKE EVERY TEN MINUTES.
- Friend I like (Girl) : Sarah
Friend of Sarah : Jill
I've become close friends with Sarah over the year, and we've started texting, fb chatting, talking in school crazily for the past 3 months. One day, Jill asks me if I liked Sarah. I say yes, and Jill tells me that all her friends believe that we will be a cute couple. Now, I already thought that Sarah liked me and everything, and that we will have a great chance, and if I asked, she would probably say yes. Jill then suggests I ask her out. I tell Jill to get some answers from me first, so Jill asks Sarah if she likes me. Sarah says NO, she thinks of us as friends. AND she has known that I liked her because I made it pretty obvious. Yet, she continued to talk, text, "flirt" (poke me, touch me, start conversations a lot) with me. Yeah, I was crushed, and thought it would be really awkward now knowing that she doesn't like me, and she KNOWS I like her. So recently, we started talking and texting each other less and less, I have a feeling she knows I asked Jill to ask her and stuff. She's not acting normal as she was before, and idk, its just confusing. And like I said above, I OVERTHINK THIS A LOT. THIS RACES THROUGH MY MIND EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE.
So basically, I OVER THINK THINGS WAY TO MUCH, THOUGHTS RACE THROUGH MY HEAD LIKE A BULLET AND THIS LEADS TO DEPRESSION SOMEHOW. I'M SAD, MOODY, QUIET AND ALL WRAPPED UP IN A BLANKET BECAUSE OF ALL THIS CRAP. I WANT TO STOP. I WANT TO FREE MY MIND. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED.
this is only the beginning..help please? anyone..
this is mad confusing to explain, its all in my head. UGHHHH!
Some background information :
I am a 14 year old Asian teenage boy that goes to a white majority high school as a freshman. I'm known as the cool Asian nerd, or the Americanized-Asian. I try to fit in with all the majority of White people in my school by dressing like them, following trends, hanging out with them, etc. No offense, but like I said, I'm known as the Americanized Asian...compared to the other stereotypical Asians in my school (the slanty eyed, mushroom hair cut, glasses, tight pants, etc). However, I do follow the 'nerd' path. I get straight A's, I'm determined in my work, I'll focus on my work entirely before I goof off or anything. I guess I try pretty hard to 'fit in' and I already am.
I'm not so sure on this, but I'm been hearing stuff like I'm the hot, sexy Asian kid with the cool hair (spiked, full of gel, etc). Of course, this makes me happy, but also worsens the situation. Every morning, I spent time fixing my hair, dressing 'nice' and 'cool', and if I mess up, I do everything over. I guess this also gives me low self-esteem because I think of what others think of what I am wearing, etc.
When you first look and meet me, you will probably never think I'm depressed or anything. I have good grades, I look good, I have friends, I ALWAYS laugh and smile even to the dumbest and punniest jokes. I am also calm and chill most of the times. I usually don't participate in class and just listen to the teacher talking. If I'm sitting near friends, of course I'll talk to them. However, bringing it back to the calm thing..I appear calm on the outside, but inside my head and heart, they are filled with thoughts racing through each cell. Every single minute of every day, there is something going through my mind that ranges from being picked on, to big matters like why do we exist, etc.
Overthinking
Every single day I will be overthinking something, no matter what the reason is. For example, in class today, I was thinking about writing this thread on this forum and how I was going to organize everything. I was thinking about my depression for hours, then how I was going to explain it in the forum. Another example, I swim every week twice a week. I dread swimming because I'm lazy as hell and do not want to go. Yet when I finish swimming, I feel all relaxed and replenished and feel like I had a good workout. I'm forced to go, so every morning of the days I need to swim, I think about having to swim for the entire day. I think about having to get up and actually swim when I'm so exhausted in school. I think about having to swim when I have so much homework and stuff..I just keeping thinking.
Also, I overthink school a lot as well. Considering I am a 'nerd', as a freshman, I think about college, grades, GPA, scholarships like CRAZY. I'm on college forums, yahoo answers, this forum, for hours looking at how to prepare for college in high school and what to do like ECs. Then, I spent days and even weeks thinking about it. It's dumb, I know.
Another thing is that I watched the movie "It's Kind of A Funny Story", about the teenage boy who was depressed, went to a medical clinic, met friends and a hot, nice girl, ended up dating the girl, and understood his depression. This pretty much relates to me, but the whole girl thing, suicidal thing, meeting friends thing hasn't happened to me. Today, this movie was racing through my mind. I kept thinking how I was related to the main character, how this could happen to me, how hot Emma Roberts was, how I wanted to meet a girl just like her character, EVERYTHING.
OVERTHINKING IS TAKING OVER MY MIND.
Depression
This is where the sad part kicks in. Depression only appeared this year, freshman of high school. It appeared at random times, such as the middle of the year where I was thinking about life and how I wanted to be unique and live my life the fullest. Now, it's back. And its worse than ever. Over-thinking, low self-esteem, school has all led to this. I can't forget girls either...
I'm not entirely sure if its "depression" or not, but I feel like it is. I keep most of my "over-thinked" thoughts in my brain and heart. I never reveal it to anyone. If I'm thinking about life, its in my head. If I'm thinking about the kids that pick on me, it's in my head. Almost everything is created in my head, and stays in my head. I'm not much of an out-going party person; I stay at home during the weekends and after school and I'm on the computer online for at least 8 hours a day. Crazy right? I watch youtube videos, go on forums like these, go to wacky websites, just stuff. While I'm doing this however, I'm overthinking things... yeah, I should stop with the overthinking, and explain more about depression.
Back to depression, let me list some things that led to this stage.
- Grades, school, low-esteem, what people think of me.
: This is simple. Two kids pick on me at school, verbally only. They do it to annoy the shit out of me, knowing I can't do anything. I ignore them, and they also spread some dumb cheating on tests rumor about me to other people. From what I noticed, the other people don't care since they cheat too. But like I said, I'm a straight A student, I don't want people to think I cheat for these grades, but whatever, I explained more in my other thread. Anyways, EVERY SINGLE DAY in this one class, they call me 'the cheater' and call my name out and stuff. I ignore them, they stop. They pretend I'm not there and just talk about me, etc. I OVERTHINK THIS A LOT TOO, THIS GOES THROUGH MY HEAD LIKE EVERY TEN MINUTES.
- Friend I like (Girl) : Sarah
Friend of Sarah : Jill
I've become close friends with Sarah over the year, and we've started texting, fb chatting, talking in school crazily for the past 3 months. One day, Jill asks me if I liked Sarah. I say yes, and Jill tells me that all her friends believe that we will be a cute couple. Now, I already thought that Sarah liked me and everything, and that we will have a great chance, and if I asked, she would probably say yes. Jill then suggests I ask her out. I tell Jill to get some answers from me first, so Jill asks Sarah if she likes me. Sarah says NO, she thinks of us as friends. AND she has known that I liked her because I made it pretty obvious. Yet, she continued to talk, text, "flirt" (poke me, touch me, start conversations a lot) with me. Yeah, I was crushed, and thought it would be really awkward now knowing that she doesn't like me, and she KNOWS I like her. So recently, we started talking and texting each other less and less, I have a feeling she knows I asked Jill to ask her and stuff. She's not acting normal as she was before, and idk, its just confusing. And like I said above, I OVERTHINK THIS A LOT. THIS RACES THROUGH MY MIND EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE.
So basically, I OVER THINK THINGS WAY TO MUCH, THOUGHTS RACE THROUGH MY HEAD LIKE A BULLET AND THIS LEADS TO DEPRESSION SOMEHOW. I'M SAD, MOODY, QUIET AND ALL WRAPPED UP IN A BLANKET BECAUSE OF ALL THIS CRAP. I WANT TO STOP. I WANT TO FREE MY MIND. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED.
this is only the beginning..help please? anyone..
this is mad confusing to explain, its all in my head. UGHHHH!